Was adopted or Is adopted – which is right?

09 Feb

Since I came on-line I’ve read countless comments by adoptive parents who don’t want their child defined by adoption and being adopted (oh the horrors). Positive Adoption Language supports that being defined by being adopted is a very bad thing with Is Adopted being bad and Was Adopted being good or positive, it was just an event after all.

So let’s say all that is true (it really isn’t) but let’s pretend being adopted is once and done and we can go through life being just regular folk, except that we really can’t thanks to adoption, adoptive parents and adoption agencies who like to hold up all those famous adoptees as proof that adoption is good.

So how do they square ‘was adopted’ but promote still famous adoptees?

Why do I bring this up? Because I’m sifting through a mega-list of adoptees being promoted on an adoption site, names I’m familiar with, some I’m not, some that are indeed adopted, some who aren’t, but hey, who needs accuracy. One day I’ll have gone through the entire list and will post it like the last time.

In the meantime one of the lessons I’ve learned in life is that you can’t have something both ways and if it is ‘was adopted’ then you need to stop posting those famous adoptee lists.

Or you could simply recognise that we were adopted (legal event) and we will always be adopted (life) and give up the silliness of trying to pretend being adopted isn’t part of what makes us who we are, the same as everything else in our life. I promise it’s far more comfortable accepting all that makes you, you, than pretending we are just like other people who were raised in their biological families are, we aren’t, we have two sets of parents, biological and adoptive – make peace with that, it’s really not that hard.

Sorry for dropping off the face of the earth – what’s up with you?



Posted by on February 9, 2020 in Adoption


Tags: , , , , , ,

15 responses to “Was adopted or Is adopted – which is right?

  1. Laksh

    February 9, 2020 at 6:08 pm

    I have no idea why we wrangle so much with the concept of adoption. My children are adopted. They will always be adopted. They always will deal with being children of two sets of parents. This is their truth. They seem to be doing okay with handling their truth. Is it hard at times? Yes. It also is all they know. I feel having these conversations seem pointless but I can see a small change amongst the circles I am in.

    Liked by 3 people

    • TAO

      February 9, 2020 at 6:12 pm

      Exactly Laksh, it’s the people who weren’t adopted that struggle with it and want to make it so sanitized – just deal with the what is.

      Liked by 4 people

  2. maryleesdream

    February 9, 2020 at 9:58 pm

    I am adopted. I was adopted. I will always be adopted. I have to live with that. Why pretend it’s anything different?

    Liked by 3 people

  3. beth62

    February 10, 2020 at 1:46 pm

    If you fell off of the face of earth, where did you land? Was it an abrupt fall, or did you sort of slide off? Or did the military escort you away from the edge, lock you up and wash your brain of any memories of what you saw near the edge?
    My flat earth loving friends are dying to know, not that they’d believe you, us, but they still want to know 😉 …I had a very long mind wrenching senseless weekend!!


    • TAO

      February 10, 2020 at 2:00 pm

      You made me laugh but I’ll never give up my love for old sayings, never going to happen. Cheers!


      • beth62

        February 10, 2020 at 2:54 pm

        Good!! LOL
        I feel like I fell off the butt of the earth after listening to how flat and fake it all is over the weekend.

        Liked by 1 person

        • TAO

          February 10, 2020 at 5:22 pm

          Can’t believe people think the earth is flat, just can’t, how do they explain the oceans not draining when they reach the edge?


          • beth62

            February 11, 2020 at 4:00 am

            Well, what I hear is… that’s when the military needs to wash your brain of what really happens at the edge, if they know you’ve seen it. I guess they’d say that you must have seen it, if that’s what you think would happen to the oceans. A typical implant, sometimes they use the captured by aliens experience to erase it. It’s not something most people can handle seeing, I hear. It’s best not to think on it much, or worry about it. Everybody is super nice on flat earth, that’s what matters.

            Yeah, it was a really lonnnnggggggg weekend! But always good to see a friend, and a new perspective 😂
            I guess old simple and basic denial explains how it can be done.

            Liked by 1 person

  4. beth62

    February 10, 2020 at 2:50 pm

    Is ‘was adopted’ an effort in hopes that all involved will forget?
    It must be easier for the not adopted to forget? I know it’s possible, I’ve had several instances where my Adopted family members forgot, or at least had to remember that I am not blood kin to them, or their parent, sibling, cousin, grandma, regardless of how similar we look or act.

    If forgetting is the desired outcome for an Adoptee, I’ve failed miserably. I barely pass at pretending to forget for others.

    Is there a new Adoption class to take? Forgetting and Pretending 101? Classes other than Being Adopted 101, 201…601? I’ve taken those, and still, I’ve never been able to forget.
    I don’t see how the lists will help me forget.

    Is pushing lists of awesome adoptees (to those that aren’t awesome and on the lists yet, but could be if they try hard enough!) isn’t that like forgetting to pretend?

    Or are the lists like the list of “facts” that the flat earthers push when trying to hold tight to their beliefs and convince others to forget what they think they know?

    Forget she was Adopted /Remember she is Adopted / Remember she was Adopted / Forget she is Adopted?
    You don’t have to choose just one.
    But if you insist on choosing, despite the facts of all, stick with it! Or you’ll be far too confusing, and that is simply not fair to any Adoptee. In fact, I’ve seen many run to the edge and jump, due to exactly that.

    It’s so much easier for me to accept and remember she Was Adopted and she Is Adopted, since I can’t seem to forget these facts. No pretending needed.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

    February 10, 2020 at 7:14 pm

    Adopter (also adopter): The person adopting another

    Adopted Person: A person who has been legally adopted by one or two parents.
    Segen’s Medical Dictionary. © 2012 Farlex, Inc.

    Legal definition of Adoptee: A person who is adopted.
    Merriam Webster

    Amputee: one who has had a limb amputated.
    Merriam Webster

    The word amputee serves the medical field because the brief word describes a medical condition. The word “adoptee” serves the adoption community in the same manner. However, I often use the words “adopted person” because it is more respectful of personhood (my opinion).

    A person cannot exist without a woman nurturing her person-to-be for ten lunar months. (Note: A lunar month in pregnancy is four weeks or 28 days, meaning that pregnancy lasts ten months rather than the conventional concept of nine.)

    The mother-to-be becomes a mother when her baby is born. She is the baby’s natural mother. Adoption should not annihilate her natural-mother status. When she loses her baby to adoption, she becomes an amputee in the sense that she has lost a part of her self. The adopted person is also an amputee in the sense of losing a part of self! (Amputee and adoptee have the same number of letters!) We should not forget the personhood of the “adoptee” or the personhood of the child’s natural mother.

    Personhood definition: The state or fact of being an individual or having human characteristics and feelings.

    Does it strike anyone as ironic that the adoption community often shortens the word “birthmother” to BM? To flush her (dispose of her) does not really cease her existence.

    The amended birth certificate is an example of how the adoption community forgets we are persons; we are humans with FEELINGS.

    Liked by 1 person

    • legitimatebastard

      February 11, 2020 at 4:19 pm

      Thank you for that accurate list of definitions!

      The “BM” abbreviation is very insulting. Adoptive parents have gone off the rails with their insistence that adoption is a one-time event and that means that adopted people are no longer adopted.

      Funny thing, I left my husband in the summer of 1993, filed for divorce, and we went to court in late 1995. The divorce decree was not signed and filed until either January or February 1996. I have remained unmarried since the divorce, but I must indicate my marital status on legal forms: Single, Married, Divorced. I hate checking the “Divorced” box, but my legal status has been “Divorced” since either when we were in court in 1995 or when the papers were signed by the judge and filed in 1996.

      Am I Divorced? Was I Divorced?

      Am I Adopted? Was I Adopted? The Final Order of Adoption was signed by the judge on January 14, 1957, when I was a year and one week old. I was adopted on that day, and, according to the Final Order of Adoption, my name was changed from Doris Sippel to Joan Wheeler. But my legal birth certificate was in the name of Doris Sippel because the Registrar in Albany, New York, USA, did not revoke, seal, and replace my birth certificate until March 4, 1957 when he created a new, amended birth certificate for me in the name of Joan Wheeler.

      Yes, adoption was a one time legal event in court, but the legal process of changing my name took an additional three months.

      I am still adopted now, 63 years after that court date in 1957.

      Living life as an adopted person is a special category of adoption psychology. Adopted people are unique. We do not suffer from a split personality, but our split selves were imposed upon us by the legal system. Our split selves are not imagined, nor is this severe mental illness. It is normal and natural to suffer the consequences of a lifetime of a myriad of psychological problems because of the permanent and artificial separation from our natural parents and extended families, and to be forced into living lies set up by the pretend facade of being born to people who did not conceive nor birth us. We are not of their blood, yet their nurturing (good or bad or in between) has profound impacts on us.

      One more thing: I did not change my name when I got married because adoption changed my name without my consent.

      I legally changed my name back to my name of birth in 2016.

      I won a partial victory in New York State Supreme Court in 2019 when I agreed to a compromise. The court did not unseal and reinstate my original birth certificate and annul my amended birth certificate and replace it with an adoption certification as I requested. The court did annul Joan Wheeler’s amended birth certificate and replaced it with a new amended birth certificate in my name of Doris Sippel, replacing the names of my adopters with the names of my natural parents. The legal goal was to have all of my identity documents aligning with one another after I legally changed my name back to my name of birth (Social Security, driver’s license, passport, etc).

      My adopters did not sire nor birth me. I succeeded in reinstating my natural parents on my legal birth certificate – where their names belong.

      My adopters’ names are on my Final Order of Adoption – a legal contract signed January 14, 1957. This is where their names belong.

      I’ve been saying this since 1974 when I was found by siblings my adoptive parents never wanted me to know: we must stop the cycle of lies. Revoking and sealing a human child’s medical record of live birth should be a crime. Creating a false birth certificate in the new name that the adopters pick for the child, and them placing their names on this amended birth certificate should be a crime. This is identity theft at its most basic level. We must stop the laws that continue this farce.

      Telling the truth is something that many adoptive parents do not want to do. That is why they insist on telling us that we WERE adopted.

      Liked by 2 people

    • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

      February 11, 2020 at 7:14 pm

      My post of Feb. 10 has an error. It should read:
      Adopter (also AdoptOR)

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Nara

    February 11, 2020 at 3:45 pm

    I say both. I was adopted (event, past participle). I’m adopted (identity, adjective). Don’t get why people get their knickers in a twist about it (adopted, british 😂).

    Liked by 2 people

    • TAO

      February 12, 2020 at 12:55 am

      Me too, and I say knickers in a knot which I probably heard from one of my grandma’s as they both immigrated from England to Canada – if true, old sayings sometimes get newer verbiage. Cheers Nara

      Liked by 2 people

  7. beth62

    February 17, 2020 at 3:09 pm

    What do all of the people on that survivors list really have in common, if not Adoption?

    Liked by 1 person


Tell me your thoughts, but please be nice...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: