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Morning Thoughts

29 Jan

Adoptee’s speak of the trauma they’ve lived through and adoptive parents respond with I’m sorry you’ve had a bad experience, not all adoptee’s feel that way.

Adoptive parents speak of the trauma that happens even for newborn adoptions, adoptive parents respond with yes, yes, yes.

Adoptive parents need to do better, be better, step outside their safe places, hear the hard, the ugly and the good from a wide variety of adoptee voices, and not just those voices from a curated adoptive parent approved list. And truly, not in those spaces where you’ll get a pat on the back and told you’re doing a good job, when they have no idea if you’re really doing a good job, not saying you don’t need the pat on the back because we all do, just recognise it for what it is, something that makes you feel good but that you also need the real.

We all need to check our bias regularly, not just in adoption, but in every aspect of life where bias can play into how you see something.ย Listen to the experts of the lived experience and understand the difference in value in first person accounts over someone’s account of something they haven’t lived.

 

 
12 Comments

Posted by on January 29, 2020 in Adoption

 

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12 responses to “Morning Thoughts

  1. beth62

    January 29, 2020 at 4:42 pm

    Yes, try to be aware. It often takes much thought and research.
    The same thing happens when people say that illegitimacy simply isn’t a thing anymore today, then go on to complain about financial assistance for single mothers, or the lack of a husband/father in their raising, or even go on to suggest abortion or adoption as the best remedy.
    You know, because of the illusion of “I’m better than that, I’m all good and they need to be fixed.”
    The trauma of any of it is pushed aside, for what, progress?

    The flip, the you should be grateful assumption works in that way too.
    Reminds me of that statement that comes from the doctors/pharmacy. something like, the benefits outweigh the side effects.
    An adoptees trauma becomes a side effect real quick. And the degree of the side effect is typically unknown until the procedure is completed, and attempts to live with it begin.
    In the Medical and Adoption world many of us know that statement is not always true. Often it is just part of the sales pitch.
    I’ve learned to question medications, or procedures, that my doctors suggest. Many times I’ve said, um, no, I don’t think so, we’ll find another way. And the doctors have replied, smart lady, good decision.
    It’s part of their job to suggest it, whether they think it’s the best therapy or not. Or even if they agree with suggesting it or not. Sometimes it’s about research benefits. Sometimes it’s about sales, and every industry does it.

    Liked by 3 people

     
    • TAO

      January 29, 2020 at 4:54 pm

      Wise Beth, you do have a way to boil everything down to just what it is.

      Liked by 1 person

       
    • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

      January 29, 2020 at 6:18 pm

      People who grow up in an authoritarian environment are less likely to question what the elders and the experts tell us, whether the expert is a POTUS, a priest, a doctor, a social worker, or an adoption agency. Unquestioning compliance is not a good thing. Yet, some of us do grow up with the assumption that the “experts” have the answers.

      The older I get, the more I realize that another person or entity does not have the answers for me. As Beth suggests, often we are the best authority on what is best for us, or what the side effects have been for us. Whether one is a cancer survivor or an adoption survivor, the lived experience can provide us with the most insight. We are here to educate those who parrot the party line that adoption is always good and a benefit to all parties in adoption.

      Now we have a POTUS who claims to be pro-life, yet currently wants to cut funding to poor families. The irony! As a result, a pregnant woman might feel pressure to relinquish her child. A political environment is now being created in which a couple’s infertility is solved by adoption agencies. Money talks!

      Liked by 2 people

       
      • beth62

        January 30, 2020 at 7:09 am

        Side effects suck! ๐Ÿ˜’
        I think pro-life is being used only as a political code word for pro-adoption indu$try by many.

        I just hope they don’t know their history well enough to try some more new old ideas!

        http://www.mountainpress.com/books/nc/details/nc-0144w.html

        It’s an interesting and very helpful genealogy book of bound children.

        Liked by 1 person

         
        • beth62

          January 30, 2020 at 7:18 am

          This one explains the law more in depth. But wouldn’t some just absolutely love to do this today!

          Like

           
          • beth62

            January 30, 2020 at 7:23 am

             
            • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

              January 30, 2020 at 8:10 am

              Beth, the link you posted shows that shame was used as a form of control to punish “bastardy.” It’s hard to believe that men usually owned up to being the father when hauled into court — and gave bond to support the child. Maybe some did have a conscience.

              I hope we never return to those oppressive times of “bastardy.” Lives ruined…too much suffering.

              Before DNA testing became available, a pregnant woman was up a creek without a paddle, as a man could deny paternity and get away with it. At Catholic Charities agency, ALL fathers were listed as Unknown! (That guy Unknown really got around!)

              Like

               
  2. Dannie

    January 29, 2020 at 4:50 pm

    My biggest tug of war lately is where the line is for being more aware of trauma and adoption related angst vs getting ‘played’ by my preteen that is highly intelligent and like all kids doesn’t want to follow everything ๐Ÿ™‚ So best I can do is try to be present and acknowledge and also hold fast to normal boundaries…Lord knows I’m not a perfect parent adoption or not.

    Liked by 3 people

     
    • TAO

      January 29, 2020 at 4:56 pm

      I feel so sorry for you if she’s anything like me…just look for the same underlying message, when you find that, it’s the real.

      Liked by 2 people

       
    • beth62

      January 29, 2020 at 5:29 pm

      It can be the fun part Dannie LOL I only say that because I’m enjoying watching my grandson play his parents like a fiddle this month. And he knows it. They seem to be clueless their precious could do such a thing to them. ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Of course he’s not yet 2 nor adopted. But they know when they’re playing you. Call her out and try to laugh with her about it. 2 or 12, they are rarely rational, I know that much.
      Sometimes it’s takes grandma to call out the playing/faking it. It will either bring out a clever sneaky huge grin or dramatic meltdown. Ya never know! Kids can be too funny. I confess to teaching him some new ways to trick his parents ๐Ÿ˜‡ Hang in there Dannie, and try to find a way to be clever or laugh together about it, it’s about all we can really do. Just remember, moms can trick or play them too

      Liked by 1 person

       
  3. Dannie

    January 29, 2020 at 5:13 pm

    Well, I do try to steer anything into a positive. I keep telling her that based on her ability to negotiate hard and have intelligent comebacks, she can make a steller lawyer, principal, or CEO of any company. ๐Ÿ™‚ I grew up as an only child and people pleaser as well as an extrovert, so the whole dynamic of having two kids with normal sibling stuff, a child through pregnancy and a child through adoption, having an introvert and extrovert, a type A and a people pleaser, it’s all very confusing at times for me. I do feel she has the tenacity to do well in life, my son on the other hand i worry about his people pleasing gullible self more so maybe I do spend more character building time with him and then she gets jealous but i see him having issues and being swayed wheras with her I don’t, but I do think about ways we can connect….plus she can have way better intellectual conversations and understand the ramifications of ones actions even if she makes fun of me and says i’m lame in the moment….I know she goes out in the world and what we’ve discussed does come into play. So I’m happy about that.

    Liked by 2 people

     
    • TAO

      January 29, 2020 at 5:19 pm

      If she’s listening and you two are talking about big subjects – she’ll be fine I think. I’d worry when she won’t get into hard subjects.

      Liked by 2 people

       

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