The New Year and Rambling Thoughts

02 Jan

Happy New Year my friends! Hoping you all had holidays that left you feeling happy and refreshed for the New Year filled with goals and dreams galore. I’m still shocked we are 20 years into the new century, seems like just the other day we went to bed wondering what would happen at midnight re computers and Y2K. Damn, somehow that makes me feel even older and more reflective than normal, if that’s possible, and reflective in a way that goes off in strange tangents. (you’ve been warned)

I reflected a lot on the language we use daily to make people comfortable and while being kind and making other’s comfortable isn’t wrong, I’m sure it can also be harmful at times. Using words that specify exactly what something is, can make others look at it different, see something in a very different light, consider my description below, does it trigger a feeling inside? it does me.

We (the two of us) had a very hermit like Christmas and New Years. It was good, I roasted a chunk of cow for the carnivore for Christmas Dinner, which also solved cooking for him Boxing Day and the day after that as he loves Hot Cow sandwiches.

Does using cow instead of beef makes it too real that people are eating animals, where beef is easier to pretend it’s not a cow, same with pork instead of pig, venison instead of deer? Although why people can name chickens and fish and eat them, but seem to need to use beef and pork and venison, escapes me, maybe chicken and fish aren’t seen as sentient creatures? Am I missing something?

Which brings me around to the fact that in both adoption and donor conception, we also use terms to muddy the waters so to speak. We add qualifiers to mothers who gave birth to their child but is not raising the child, their only claim/action is listed in the term Birth Mother. People use Donor instead of even the non-emotional term Progenitor in donor conception because they can’t possibly hold the title Mother, Father, because that would be too hard on the parents raising the child, I guess.

Will we ever get to the point where we are comfortable with the duality that in adoption and donor conception the child has multiple parents?

And, for me personally, will I ever get to the point where when people ask how I am, whether at the doctors, the neighbors, friends and family, will I ever be able to answer truthfully, or will I always respond with I’m good, how are you. Will I ever be able to be wholly authentic and real about any struggles, whether physically or emotionally? I hope to be able to say by the end of this year that I’ve learned to be fully authentic on how I’m feeling, not just offering what they want or need to hear to make them feel better.

How about you? Any hopes for the New Year?









Posted by on January 2, 2020 in Adoption


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12 responses to “The New Year and Rambling Thoughts

  1. BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

    January 2, 2020 at 9:35 pm

    In society today, we feel obligated to answer “good” when asked “how are you?” We don’t want to complicate the life of e.g. a cashier by telling her it was a terrible day. However, one day recently, I replied, “tired,” and it was refreshing to be authentic, to not give a robotic reply. In response to what you wrote, I am thinking about the Victorian Era, when there had to be “proper” responses to everything; maybe that was mostly an upper-class expectation, I don’t know.

    I may sound sexist, but I think a woman who donates her eggs gives a good part of herself in that egg donation is not a simple process; it can be taxing. It’s important that her contribution be recognized; in contrast, a male donation causes no pain and results in little time lost.

    A first mother gives a huge part of herself in contrast to a male who inseminates, probably with no affect except that he has “scored,” and might never again think of the incident. A first mother never forgets, even though she may try. I’ve heard first mothers say: “Adoptive parents got a baby; the only thing I got was stretch marks.”

    To me, that last sentence is authentic. (There is no wrapping the experience in inauthentic language, such as “giving my baby to someone else to raise was such a beautiful experience.” and then placing a bow on the exquisitely wrapped package of adoption.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      January 2, 2020 at 11:18 pm

      I think you’re right about feeling obligated to respond that way. I’m tired of responding that way but not yet brave enough to say differently. I’m hoping to move forward on that this year. Happy New Year!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Dannie

    January 3, 2020 at 5:05 am

    I’m 41 so deep in the throes of deep thought. I can now suddenly understand why people have ‘midlife crisis’ stuff whether good or bad. Anyways it just has showed me that life isn’t always happy thoughts but one can still enjoy life and still understand the not so nice part.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      January 3, 2020 at 9:29 pm

      Welcome to middle-age Dannie, but you’ve always been able to bridge the gap and able to hold both a bit of being naïve with being wiser than your years. You’ll do fine in this era of life.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Dannie

    January 3, 2020 at 5:07 am

    It also saddens me that this decade we just started is the decade my kids will grow up in. As much as parenting can sometimes exhaust me, I’m sad it is only a phase of life


    • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

      January 3, 2020 at 6:36 am



      • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

        January 3, 2020 at 6:37 am

        Dannie, I understand!


      • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

        January 3, 2020 at 10:05 pm

        Computer had a mind of its own at 6:36 am. : >( Is there a way to delete this? Was able to complete thought at 6:37 am.


    • TAO

      January 3, 2020 at 9:30 pm

      No, don’t go there yet.


  4. Nara

    January 3, 2020 at 11:32 pm

    As ever, I agree… but I go along with social convention because I can’t be bothered to cause a scene. And also I’m lazy and can’t be bothered to lay my emotions out for people all the time. Although actually I feel a bit like lately everyone is falling apart and I feel okay? Which makes me a touch paranoid that maybe there’s something awful on the horizon and/or there’s something terrible I just haven’t noticed. Also, this past year was my massive reduction in fb year and I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that I feel generally better about life. Comparison is the thief of joy. And fb is the thief of time and goodwill! For me, anyway. The little bits of goodness don’t make up for the drama and stress it causes me a lot of the time. So I can go into the new year feeling… Come what may. I don’t have overwhelming hopes or fears because I know they’ll happen pretty much if I want them to or not. (Sorry for that stream of consciousness blurb!)

    Liked by 1 person

    • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

      January 3, 2020 at 11:59 pm

      “Come what may. I don’t have overwhelming hopes or fears because I know they’ll happen pretty much if I want them to or not.” I like this, and I agree! Most often, neither hope nor fear can change anything. Only actions can change, but only certain things are changeable. If actions don’t change anything, then acceptance may be the best strategy. There is a prayer, which the religious and non-religious can adhere to: May I accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference. (I changed it slightly for the non-religious.)

      Especially when it comes to world problems, it is better to live without fear. As an individual, I cannot control what happens (although admitting my vote counts during an election).


    • TAO

      January 4, 2020 at 4:25 am

      I love your streams of consciousness Nara. I wish mine was laziness, hard to even name the underling why’s. Going to try to be more open, just not sure how to do it. Happy New Year Nara, loved your catch up post – happy for you.

      Liked by 1 person


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