Get out of your predominant adoptive parent only groups. Gingerly step into many different spaces with non-adoptive parent voices, sit on your hands instead of talking. Instead, just listen for a while, really listen when you’re the most uncomfortable, after a while you’ll start to hear what the underlying message is saying, some easier to hear than others. And when you go into spaces that make you uncomfortable, stop yourself each time you want to contradict in your mind (or in words) what you are hearing with protestations about how beautiful adoption is.
Instead, just listen, hear them, step away when you need to, go back when you can.
Listening is hard to do, it’s also a life skill that will help you succeed in so many different ways.
See how gently I said that? I did that for a reason as it’s something I’ve had to practice, and keep practicing, and yet, I still fail at times. It’s hard to not jump into the fray, refute, denounce, snap back. But you need to be able to listen and to hear in order to grow in understanding about anything you personally didn’t experience, sometimes you also need to walk away for a spell, but go back. It’s also worthwhile because you will then not only be informed, you’ll see the many different ways being adopted can affect the soul, you’ll see the breadth and width of the different ways it can affect any one individual. It will make you a better adoptive parent for having gone through the process of just listening instead of speaking, hearing, really hearing instead of just asking how to not let your child feel like other adoptees in 5 easy steps.
At the end of the day, listening, hearing, absorbing and being open to the hard will translate through to your children in both your words and through your body that you are safe, that you can take their hard and both hold it for them and with them. You also won’t hold the mindset that your child will be a positive adoptee with a positive adoption experience, instead, that they’ll be free to just be who they were meant to be.