I’m hard on adoptive parents for a reason

20 Oct

I’ve been pretty hard on the choices some adoptive parent have made lately and will be hard on them in the future. I’ve also held other adoptive parents up as doing it right and will do so in the future. What I won’t do is stay silent when I see something I feel is wrong that has the potential to harm adoptees; whether it’s a law, policy, a stupid meme or adoptive parents acting badly.

I’m also guessing some think: who are you to be so hard on adoptive parents. Fair question to ask. I did some digging this morning for old blog posts, below you’ll find quotes from some of my posts about mom and dad that may explain why I’m the way I am. Adoptees are products of both nature and nurture.

Mom lessons… Mom also wasn’t shy about disagreeing with someone else. I’ll never forget the day one of mom’s friend (also an adoptive mom) was sitting at the kitchen table telling us that she was cutting her son out of her will. She said she was doing it because he’d made contact with his family by birth and was spending time with them. Mom didn’t raise her voice, but she told her bluntly what she was doing wrong. She defended her friend’s son, tried every which way she could think of to get her friend to understand why her son needed to reconnect, how it didn’t have anything to do with her or her husband and their relationship with him. That what she was doing was wrong and that everyone would be irrevocably harmed, that one day she’d be sorry. I don’t think mom words made a difference to her friends attitude that day. I do know that mom stood up for what she believed was right.


Dad… Dad is often in my mind and this week has been no different. He didn’t suffer fools easily, had few words, but gave far more of himself to his family and community than he ever received in return. Now days, I think of him often when I read about the grief of infertility and how it is hard to go to baby showers, and see others create families without any apparent struggle.

I think of the grace and strength that dad had every single day, because you see, he was the man who delivered babies, many babies, over many decades, some at home, some in hospital.


A What I’m thankful for, What I’m not thankful for related to adoption post…  I’m thankful for having parents who stood up and said no this is wrong when they saw it. I’m not saying they were perfect, they were strong in what they believed in, strong in speaking their minds. They taught us that it was good to stand up for what is right and push back when you saw something wrong. I wish I was as strong as they were, I’m not, and I’m not thankful for that lack of strength, moral character, clarity that made them who they were, but I try to speak up when I see something I find egregious happening in adoption.


Deep thoughts  I’ve said before that I think dad hung on longer than he wanted too, to make sure I was going to be okay after I got sick, but I still wasn’t ready for his passing, who is. Dad and I had a connection I can’t explain; the day he passed I knew I needed to go see dad, I knew it was time. When I arrived dad had just passed and mom was stunned to see me standing there and that I knew it was time when she didn’t.


Be kind when you can, stand up when it matters.


Posted by on October 20, 2019 in Adoption, adoptive parents


Tags: , , , , ,

6 responses to “I’m hard on adoptive parents for a reason

  1. Laksh

    October 20, 2019 at 7:15 pm

    I am glad you speak up. I know I have been influenced by your words and thoughts. I once used to call myself an advocate for open adoption. I no longer do. How I view adoption has changed so much because of voices like yours. I am glad our situation was free of coercion, my children have the opportunity to know their roots and that my husband and I can see how much trauma they have been through. This would not have been possible if not for people like you. I owe you and other adoptees who are speaking up a lot. There are so many things which if I could go back and change, I would. Because it is not possible to walk back on some commitments, I know I will use whatever platform I have to elevate other voices.

    Thank you again!

    Liked by 3 people

    • TAO

      October 20, 2019 at 7:16 pm

      Thank you Laksh – that means a lot.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Lara/Trace

    October 21, 2019 at 8:49 pm

    In no uncertain words, you have shown courage in these posts and I thank you so much.


    • TAO

      October 21, 2019 at 10:55 pm

      Thank you Trace.


  3. Raven

    October 22, 2019 at 2:10 am

    TAO, I think you’re underestimating yourself when it comes to strength, moral character, and clarity. Your mom and dad definitely passed those traits on to you. That’s why I admire you so much, my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      October 22, 2019 at 2:42 am

      Thanks Raven, you would have adored them.



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