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Because adoptive parents say adoption is so different today…

14 Oct

I’ve decided to add a new tag: Adoptive Parents say the darndest things. 

“We’ve already made the decision that he will always know he’s adopted.”

“I really do believe it is a choice that every adoptive parent has to make.”

This is not a decision you should think you have the right to make as an adoptive parent. What the above statements say is that we thought about it and decided not to lie by omission to him about a fundamental truth of who he is.

Telling your child they are adopted should never be seen as a choice in the first place; that’s their truth, nor should you lie to your children, the cost to them (and will be to you) is far too great.

 
14 Comments

Posted by on October 14, 2019 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

Tags: , , , , ,

14 responses to “Because adoptive parents say adoption is so different today…

  1. gift2014

    October 14, 2019 at 2:22 pm

    As long as our cultural narrative views adoption as totally benign, people will choose to see only the parts that they believe to be positive. They will minimize and/or be blind to adoption complexity, loss, and grief. Your voice and the voices of other adult adoptees are the loudspeakers seeking to educate and reimagine our cultural understanding about adoption, family separation and the factors that contribute to them.

    Liked by 5 people

     
    • TAO

      October 14, 2019 at 2:28 pm

      Thank you.

      Like

       
  2. legitimatebastard

    October 14, 2019 at 2:41 pm

    Back in 1974, I had no words for the shock of my life at age 18. Still in high school, and about to start looking for colleges, and preparing for final exams, I received a phone call from a sister I never knew. She had known who I as and where I was for 10 years. She was the eldest of my 4 older, full-blood siblings: 3 sisters and 1 brother. I was the baby who was given away by our father at my age of 4 months old after the death of our mother when I was 3 months old.

    I knew nothing of this truth. All I was told by my adoptive mother was that I was adopted. She did not tell me anything else because I was a young child of about 5 when she told me. It as never stated, but I felt it, that I was not allowed to talk about being adopted, not allowed to ask any questions. So I buried my feelings inside.

    When I was found by my siblings, the moment I heard, “I am your sister,” I knew that my adoptive parents willfully lied to me my entire life of 18 years.

    That is huge. We are taught not to lie, not to fib, not to tell even little white lies, yet my adoptive parents decided that they did not want me to know the truth.

    Our relationship was never the same after that. My adoptive mother screamed and yelled, threw pots and pans at me, claiming that I knew all along and had planned to find my siblings and my father. That makes no sense at all. I did not know they even existed! How could I plan to meet them? Obviously my adoptive mother had some twisted ideas in her mind.

    Bottom line: She was afraid that I’d leave and move in with my father and/or my siblings. My adoptive mother was afraid she’d lose me, lose my love.

    I didn’t leave. I stayed. I loved my adoptive parents, but no longer trusted them.

    My adoptive father died when I was 24 years old. My adoptive mother died in 2011 at her age of 95 and my age of 55.

    During the last 45 years, certain members of my extended adoptive family harassed me, bullied me, mocked me in their belief that I was disloyal to my adoptive parents for accepting a reunion with my own blood kin. And for being a very public activist against adoption.

    My natural family, too, has harassed me and bullied me for the last 45 years, including charging me with made up crimes, and my adoptive mother was accused of made up crimes, too.

    Lying, attacking the adoptee for being in reunion, for being an activist, and a long list of transgressions – scapegoating – gas lighting – gossiping about – badmouthing — this has been my life, all because of adoption.

    I would rather have died at birth so that my mother could have lived as the mother of 4 children and the wife of her husband.

    Adoption, and its lies and deception, destroyed my life.

    Liked by 4 people

     
  3. Dannie

    October 14, 2019 at 3:26 pm

    Do people even keep this secret anymore? I mean really with all the knowledge at our fingertips. I don’t think that it’s so much that adoption “has changed” or “people are more open now” it’s just that society always follows the “norm” and the “in-thing”. Granted, there are always people that will do what they know to be right no matter what society is doing, but as long as people aren’t really thinking about things and learning and growing, adoption will always follow current practices and current phrases.

    Liked by 2 people

     
    • TAO

      October 14, 2019 at 4:09 pm

      Yes, they still do, shockingly they think it’s their decision to make.

      Liked by 1 person

       
    • legitimatebastard

      October 14, 2019 at 8:07 pm

      Yes, people DO keep many secrets today! There are adoptive parents who absolutely insist on a closed adoption. It matters not one bit to them that DNA tests are available, that most adoptions today are, in some degree open or are completely open (but the records are still revoked, sealed, and replaced). There are adoptive parents who will only adopt from another country, a third world country, because there is very little to no chance of a reunion, especially if their adoptling is found on the street. There are people who insist on anonymous sperm and egg donation because they want the child to be theirs and theirs alone.

      Like

       
    • Heather

      October 15, 2019 at 2:43 am

      They sure try their bast to “keep the secret” The adoptive parents of my son still have not told him. He’s 14 and has probably figured a few things out by now. They told me they didn’t think he was capable of understanding adoption when he was younger.

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • Heather

        October 15, 2019 at 2:44 am

        *best not bast … oops

        Like

         
        • Dannie

          October 16, 2019 at 5:03 pm

          Heather what in the living hell ? Wow I’m very saddened to hear that 😦

          Like

           
      • TAO

        October 15, 2019 at 1:39 pm

        I’m so sorry. If they don’t think a child can comprehend adoption, why would they choose to adopt a child and lay such a heavy burden on them. Cake and eat it too mentality.

        Liked by 2 people

         
        • Heather

          October 17, 2019 at 3:10 am

          Thanks TAO & Dannie. I agree with what you wrote TAO.

          Everything is always about her and her needs & feelings. No one else matters.

          I know he’s capable of understanding. I think they just use it as an excuse to break our openness agreements due to their own fears and insecurities.

          Liked by 1 person

           
  4. Dannie

    October 14, 2019 at 4:51 pm

    I consider myself “old” even when I don’t feel it being in my 40s now, but was family life so different back then that kids didn’t have curiosity about when they were in their “mom’s belly” or want to see pictures of their mom pregnant with them? I don’t get how there were secrets so long even after photography was just a 3 day stint for developing…..truth is always the right way. But hey i’m simple minded like that.

    Liked by 3 people

     
  5. maryleesdream

    October 14, 2019 at 6:08 pm

    The agency told my A-parents to tell me early. She did what the agency said, and told me I was adopted from early infancy. A-mom was terrified of the agency, she thought they were always lurking around, waiting to take me back. Back where, I have no idea. It wasn’t as if my value was going up as I got older. I’m pretty sure the agency considered it a done deal, and had no interest in what happened to me as I grew up.

    A-mom told me she would lay me on the changing table, and tell me, “you are adopted” and, “I am your mother” over and over again. That picture is absolutely chilling to me.

    I always knew, which is healthy, I guess. I can’t help but wish that I had a few years of innocence though. A little while when I didn’t know that mothers gave their babies away. Knowing definitely gave me a very jaded view of the world.

    Some adoptive parent use the phrase, “she always knew” as confirmation that they did it right. As if telling us made it all OK. In my case, I was told, and told I could ask them anything, but that was not the case. I could ask, sure, but the reaction I got made me never ask again.

    Liked by 3 people

     
  6. beth62

    October 16, 2019 at 3:58 pm

    Whaaaat? Adoption has changed!? In the last 50 years? Really? Where!?

    Nothing is different in my state of birth.

    Adoption was created to be able to lie, in order to protect society and the Triad, from bastardism, infertility and unwed pregnancy.
    Adoption Law encourages and supports the lie. The lie is Adoption.
    The laws insist on the documented lie, and secret.
    Amending and sealing is encouraged, supported, and usually required by law.

    I think it should be an offense deserving of restitution in a court of law – knowingly lying to a human in your charge about their origins. I think it should be fraud, abuse.

    Some can claim great change all day long, doesn’t mean it’s true, or that a real change has even happened.

    Any parent today that would choose to hide and lie to all, and the child, about their true origins –
    are doing it to protect themselves.

    That old embarrassment and shame is still the same for many, hasn’t changed a bit.

    Maybe facebook, oops, I mean Adoption professionals aren’t pointing that out enough to new parents?

    Maybe if all of those shames, and their origins, were pointed out, explained and discussed in detail, with memes 😀 it would change something in a real way.

    Liked by 1 person

     

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