Quick thought

08 Oct

I think sometimes prospective and adoptive parents don’t realize that how they say something – tells the reader the person’s feelings of privilege and entitlement to adopt someone else’s baby. The quote below is in response to a comment about how birthparents should be allowed to spend time in hospital without the adopting parents there:

We personally let our son’s birth parents decide how much alone time they wanted with their son.

And for those who don’t see privilege or entitlement in the quote above. They had no authority to “let the parents decide how much alone time they wanted”, her privilege and entitlement is believing she even had a say, she didn’t, because it wasn’t her child. A match is never a guarantee, being at the hospital isn’t either and is now the expected default in adoption, but until those papers are signed, you are a guest, nothing more.

Personally, I don’t agree with them being at the hospital, at all. It allows for the parent(s) to feel pressure, intended or not, no adoptee deserves to find out their parent(s) by birth felt pressured to follow though.


Posted by on October 8, 2019 in Adoption, adoptive parents


Tags: , , , ,

19 responses to “Quick thought

  1. Dannie

    October 8, 2019 at 7:48 pm

    Every aspect of adoption can have its moral and ethical dilemmas but this was the reason I never wanted to pursue domestic infant adoption. A) as a single woman it seemed hypocritical to say a young single teen should choose adoption but an older single mom is stable enough to adopt. Idk it just felt off and B) I felt other methods had to do more with what’s wrong in society and hopefully more about kids needing a home environment rather than hoping for a baby if that makes sense.

    Even if E got pregnant at 14 or 15 which would make me incredibly sad, I’d tell her I’m here and that I don’t expect her to have to give up her baby. I really just don’t like DÍA that much.


    • TAO

      October 8, 2019 at 7:50 pm

      As you can tell, neither do I. I know my era was brutally unfair on mothers, but it was a societal affect, not what goes on today.


  2. Heather

    October 8, 2019 at 11:38 pm

    The woman who adopted my son months later told me that I took too much time with him on the last day I had in the hospital.

    Where does that sense of entitlement come from?


    • TAO

      October 8, 2019 at 11:59 pm

      Society and the agency personnel? I’m sorry.


  3. Laura

    October 9, 2019 at 1:42 am

    Thank you for an honest post. I wish we’d seen more perspectives like these when we were in the process of adopting — despite their claims to emphasize caring for the first moms our agency spoke to us with this kind of default privilege. It never occurred to me to question them when they said our daughter’s mom was okay with us being at the hospital.


    • TAO

      October 9, 2019 at 3:02 am

      You aren’t alone is being led that way…
      I encourage people to share what they wish they’d known – something to consider. Take care.


  4. beth62

    October 9, 2019 at 1:15 pm

    I tried explaining that privilege to some young women, two are trying to Adopt. I didn’t get very far. They only wanted to talk about their profiles and which connecting site to use. And of course baby shopping. And how mean, awful and unfair it is when a mother changes her mind after birth.

    Fairly clueless to the rest, as it isn’t so important for them to know all of that about kids “yet”.
    I looked at their sites :/ on Adoptimist.

    Is this the new way now? No agency needed? They have a lawyer set up to use when the time comes. DIY everything? I was shocked that the site they are using is a social media advertising business. I get annoying emails from similar companies that want to improve social media ads and exposure to help sell real estate or whatever is being sold.

    I again ran into the argument of, due to our situations, our stories, who deserves to Adopt more, me or her? I find it odd that this question comes up so frequently, to me. Like I’m in charge of who is first in line. An Adoptee should know which one is better?
    I’ve learned to answer – no one is entitled to a child, or someone else’s child.
    I have no idea what you deserve.
    Might as well ask me what is affordable to you, or to everyone.


    • TAO

      October 9, 2019 at 1:28 pm

      Yeah, this is the new version of adoption. You should check out all the Ben & Jerry Adopt Facebook pages hoping to find an expectant mother…I do my best to wear blinders. But hey, no need to have to learn anything about adoption, adopting, the impact on the child – they’ve got it, love is all you need and if they speak positively about adoption that’s how the child will view it. In many ways, it’s far worse than the BSE.


      • beth62

        October 10, 2019 at 1:21 pm

        BSE Adoption brainwashing versus Facebook Adoption brainwashing.
        Add them together and what do you get?

        I don’t want to know, I barely survived the BSE brainwashing, it all sounds awful to me.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Pj

    October 10, 2019 at 1:50 pm

    Fellow BSE adoptee and agree in ways current practices are worse. Just reading NYT story about an Arizona official who was running an adoption fraud scheme using taxpayer $$. A modern day Georgia Tann…so unsettling.Concern for the adoptive parents and taxpayers…but no mention about the adoptees. So so sad..

    Liked by 1 person

  6. beth62

    October 11, 2019 at 11:57 am

    We personally let our son’s birth parents decide how much alone time they wanted with their son.

    our son’s parents,
    their son

    That sounds different than the same old, somehow
    ? I’m confused


    • TAO

      October 11, 2019 at 2:06 pm

      They “let” the expectant parents in the hospital decide how much time the now parents spent with their son…before they’d signed their parental rights away.


      • Heather

        October 11, 2019 at 10:49 pm

        Interesting. I read the quote as the adoptive parents “allowed” or gave permission to the expectant parents to decide how much time the expectant parents wanted to spend with their newborn once he was born.

        Instead of telling the expectant parents how things were going to go once the baby was born (due to the thinking that once the baby was out he was theirs)

        They act as though the adopters had any say in that matter before any paperwork was signed. Like they were doing the expectant parents a big favour in being so generous in not limited their time.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. beth62

    October 12, 2019 at 12:46 pm

    It just seemed odd the way she claimed him, and his birth parents with her words indirectly.
    Our son’s birth parents.
    In the same sentence she says “their son”, I guess that threw me off, saying that out loud. because she’s supposed to? An attempt at being Open? Open in a totalitarian way? 🙂

    I’d guess saying something like this would never fly?
    At his birth we allowed our son to have some alone time with his parents.

    Show me one situation where “birth” parents needs to be spelled out for clarity when the Adopted parent is talking about the original parent or relative. Especially when they are talking about the time of his birth. That’s just old brainwashing.

    Whatever twisted up palatable words chosen, this is what I always hear:

    We allowed their son to have some alone time with them.

    Maybe that’s why “their son” stood out confusing to me in her twisted sentence.
    I’m standing up straight, looking at it dead on. I’m not playing a game of Twister, to win.
    We are surely coming at it from different directions.


    • TAO

      October 12, 2019 at 1:46 pm

      An attempt to be open – which is always good, yet also why I highlighted the fact she couldn’t see her privilege…


      • beth62

        October 12, 2019 at 6:31 pm

        Yes. Good try, getting closer, but still a fail.
        That fog is still obviously in the way, keep trying lol


    • Heather

      October 12, 2019 at 11:27 pm

      You’re not the only one, I too thought the adopter’s wording was odd the first time I read the quote TAO posted.

      Seemed to me like she was speaking some time after the child’s birth and was attempting to use the “proper” or positive adoption language and tripped herself up while painting herself in such a magnanimous and generous light.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Raven

    October 14, 2019 at 1:53 am

    TAO, I got booted from a couple mixed-triad groups this year for telling expectant mothers their legal rights during childbirth and hospitalization. AP fragility and false sense of entitlement is almost impossible to break down, at least for me. I keep trying, but after so many years I’m worn down and tired to the bone.


    • TAO

      October 14, 2019 at 2:21 pm

      Wow, yet that doesn’t surprise me either. I’m tired too Raven, just when you think people in adoption are changing, you find out they really haven’t. Hugs



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