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Triggers in adoption

05 Oct

I think everyone has triggers that can immediately set you off. I have them, although the older I get, the less I seem to care about the ones that intrude on daily life, more of a it is what it is and move on. Yet, I still can’t do that with adoption triggers, they sit with me, sometimes I’m not aware they are still there until the next time they show themselves. This post is mainly about one adoption trigger; and it’s a ridiculously ignorant adoption meme going around on general and adoption FB pages.

I’m going to break my general rule again and post the link to the newest FB page to have posted it, so you can see how ignorant it truly is and, how ignorant the general public is about adoption in so many ways. At least this posting of the meme started with a commenter who knew better and, made a point of explaining it was wrong because adopting from the state didn’t cost, that thread had 52 comments on it. Next stand alone comment was the adoption lawyer guy who said he was the cheapest in the business, his thread had 75 comments on it and you can guess the content of those comments. And yet, the 3rd standalone comment was this: “Yes. So many people that would take on a child and love them more then their own life. Make it more affordable!”

Why the ignorance? Because in a really quick scan of the next bunch of the 2K comments, it appears no-one took the time to simply post an explanation of the difference between private and public adoption. That the former were private businesses finding pregnant women who didn’t believe they could care for a baby for various reasons and, the latter was a public state institution where children were removed from their parents, who, if they didn’t work their plan to the satisfaction of the state, lost their parental rights and the children became wards of the state and hence adoptable. I did send a private message to the page, doubtful it will do any good.

There’s a serious lack of education in the general public on the types of adoption; whether it’s from lack of trying to educate or because the public isn’t willing to take 10 minutes to listen and think deeply on the subject and learn, I can’t say which and will leave you to decide. And lets also be real, most people want to adopt a newborn and get the whole experience, which nowadays, much to my disgust and dismay, includes being at the birth which can add additional pressure on the mother to sign on the dotted line relinquishing her parental rights, a practice I don’t think history will look kindly on.

Every time I see ignorant adoption posts like this I’m triggered. Yet, this is one that doesn’t sit in my soul like other ones that happen within the adoption community itself, those are the ones that cut deep because children are, or may be, impacted by them. Some of those triggers are below with minimal commentary.

Posting “Pending Adoption Situations” that remind me of demeaning buy and sell ads and who needs that in their adoption story.

Posting “Adoption Announcements” they trigger me much like I’d guess pregnancy announcements trigger others; I’ll always get triggered when a child is severed from their original family, regardless if it was necessary, it’s still a tragedy at the core when you can’t be raised in your family of birth.

Posting many of the “Adoption Memes” because I am both sides, you tear down one side of me to lift up the other side just doesn’t work for me. Not to mention some are just ignorant.

 

 

 

 

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18 Comments

Posted by on October 5, 2019 in Adoption

 

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18 responses to “Triggers in adoption

  1. gift2014

    October 5, 2019 at 5:46 pm

    The need to redraw the world’s happily-ever-after beliefs about adoption has never been more important. Now that adult adoptees have taken the microphone to inform the world that about adoption reality, the knowledge is available. It is always traumatic to separate a child from its mother. We should be committed to erasing the factors that lead to the need for adoption.

    Liked by 4 people

     
  2. Lara/Trace

    October 5, 2019 at 11:30 pm

    I didn’t know what a trigger was until I started studying adoption. Then it hit me that movies like Juno and many others triggered me to the point of grief. Then I got what it means to be triggered.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • TAO

      October 6, 2019 at 3:34 am

      I’ve never watched Juno, or any of the reality give your baby away TV shows. Parent Trap from the 60’s really hit me hard and didn’t have adoption in it, but it sure had the separation of siblings. Did you ever see it?

      Liked by 2 people

       
      • Heather

        October 6, 2019 at 9:15 pm

        I found that Juno was a horrible movie & triggered me before I knew what a trigger was. Please don’t ever waste your time watching it.

        Like

         
        • TAO

          October 7, 2019 at 1:09 pm

          I won’t. Husband avoids any shows with adoption in it because he learned early on it isn’t worth it.

          Like

           
          • Dannie

            October 7, 2019 at 3:52 pm

            Juno is a horrible movie…it triggered me and I’m not the one adopted

            Like

             
      • Lara/Trace

        October 8, 2019 at 2:52 pm

        I barely recall that but I remember it was about twins, right? Yes, I can be triggered into anxiety and do my best to avoid it.

        Like

         
        • TAO

          October 8, 2019 at 2:54 pm

          Twins separated due to divorce and not knowing they were a twin.

          Liked by 1 person

           
  3. Debbie Stanton

    October 6, 2019 at 4:57 pm

    Thank you for this,

    “… it appears no-one took the time to simply post an explanation of the difference between private and public adoption. That the former were private businesses finding pregnant women who didn’t believe they could care for a baby for various reasons and, the latter was a public state institution where children were removed from their parents, who, if they didn’t work their plan to the satisfaction of the state, lost their parental rights and the children became wards of the state and hence adoptable.”

    I’m going to memorize your concise explanation so I can have it at the ready when trying to explain my own confusion and the subsequent sadness and trauma experienced by all parties involved in my own experience with adoption.

    Thank you for doing your part to get the truth out there. This blog and your words are very, very important.

    Liked by 2 people

     
    • TAO

      October 6, 2019 at 5:07 pm

      Thank you Debbie, I think I overcomplicate with too many words, but glad it made sense. Cheers

      Like

       
      • Debbie Stanton

        October 6, 2019 at 5:14 pm

        The problem is, the truth can be complicated, at least from a legal standpoint, so it takes more words and time than most people have the emotional capacity to listen to, to explain what’s really happening to a child when they’re separated from their family. I think that’s why the emotional feel-good short-hand of “adoption always good” gets more attention than the truth.

        Liked by 1 person

         
        • TAO

          October 6, 2019 at 5:55 pm

          Very true, just trying explain how complicated it can be having two families and everything that both coexists and complicates some thing that is also your norm. Thank you for reading, always feel free to chime in.

          Liked by 1 person

           
  4. Heather

    October 6, 2019 at 9:10 pm

    Oh how I wish I had not started reading those comments. Still so much ignorance and platitudes in people out there.

    Too many “I had a good experience (or know someone with a good experience & happy to have been adopted) therefore adoption is not traumatic” posts. Invalidating other’s lived experiences. I really had hoped people would stop doing that by now.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • TAO

      October 7, 2019 at 1:08 pm

      Nothing changes in adoption, despite protestations that it is so different now…

      Liked by 1 person

       
  5. Dannie

    October 7, 2019 at 3:56 pm

    My stepdaughter posted this meme and began stating how “the adoption drama is so bad especially since she knew firsthand what her stepmother had to go through”

    context: due to unfortunate circumstances, we have a lot of boundaries and my husband and I have limited contact with her

    I had to reply and tell her not to stay such dramatics becasue she had no clue as to what she was saying to please keep me out of it and that her meme was wrong and to take it down. Unfortunately, education will not work with her so I just asked her to take it down.

    Like

     
    • TAO

      October 7, 2019 at 7:29 pm

      Oh Dannie, I’m sorry, hard when it comes from a family member. Thanks for pushing back.

      Like

       
  6. beth62

    October 7, 2019 at 8:24 pm

    Ugh. The Adoption Tax Credit.
    Political triggers just make me mad.
    I hope someone pointed out the politics that created that meme.

    Like

     
    • TAO

      October 8, 2019 at 3:15 am

      Yeah, that one gets my goat, not for foster care but DIA…just wrong.

      Like

       

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