Whose voice do you want to hear?

28 Sep

When the name of the site is adoptees dot org – would you assume the posts on it would be authored by adoptees? I would. I’d expect it to be an adoptee-centric space with adoptee’s in charge, which would be great.

“Here at, we answer questions regarding adoptee trauma, DNA testing, how to communicate with birth parents, how to find your birth parents, and anything else related to adoptees. We hope our site helps you.”

And I sit here wondering how people in adoption, those who actively work in adoption spaces have the gall to assume adoptive parents voices should be the primary voices heard; especially adoptive parents who haven’t even raised their child to school-age, let alone to adulthood, would possibly have anything valid to offer on the adoptee experience. Sometimes sites will do a wink and a nod with an adoptee voice thrown in, as if, see, we let them talk now and again; but always carefully selected to ensure just the right message is delivered. Note there are a couple of adoption agencies that make a point of including adoptee voices with hard posts to read; they are also the anomaly in the adoption world.

Getting back to the site, that should be an adoptee-centric space: below are the first articles I perused: And yes, none written by an adoptee, none of the posts below offered even a snippet of new that I could see, don’t bother to read more than one, if any.

What Adoptees Really Think about Adoption – authored by an AP/psychotherapist

5 Hard Facts about Being Adopted – authored by an AP/psychotherapist

Adoptee Trauma: Where To Find Help – authored by an AP since 2016

How To Handle Birth Parents That Want Zero Contact – authored by an AP since 2016

How to Be an Advocate for Adoptees – authored by an AP since 2008

Adoptees: How to Decline Sharing Your Adoption Story – authored by an AP who seems like she just can’t call herself an AP

The above website appears to be a spin-off of adoption dot com based on their privacy statement, I did find a couple posts written by adoptees, so, there is, that. None of the above posts are ground-breaking, rather, same old, same old messages.

Bonus posting on another site that also appears to be another spin-off of adoption dot com…

The 12 Best Blogs On Adoption – guess how many of the 12 are written by adoptive parents? Go on, guess…

The reason for this post is to both the newbies and the old-hands…

Pay attention to the role the author of posts holds in adoption. Pay attention to the message being given. Same old, same old? Pretty much what I see written by people who haven’t experienced the role of being adopted. Ask where the voices are from all areas in adoption. Ask where the challenging parts of adoption and being adopted are talked about. If they don’t offer real, lived, experiences from both good and bad times, move along.

Search out the voices that challenge the perfect adoption narrative told by those at the center (the AP’s and Adoption providers). Pay attention, push the cobwebs of happy ever after away, because nothing in life is perfect. Perfect doesn’t exist, even if they say when she struggled for a bit but moved on, move on, yourself, because life doesn’t work that way, struggles resurface and resurface again. Find voices that paint the good and the hard challenges, that don’t include, the happy ever after fairy tale ending.

The post below is from – it’s a site that tells many stories of being adopted, each one different, each is one person’s story – start there, it’s a real adoptee-centric site. Find other spaces that do the same, understand all the intricacies of being adopted, especially the hard parts, only then, will you start to get a basic understanding of what being adopted is…

Dear Adoption, I’m Done Telling Your Story 

Bonus from twitter from an LDA (Late Discovery Adoptee) who you should be following on twitter.


Posted by on September 28, 2019 in Adoption


Tags: , , ,

17 responses to “Whose voice do you want to hear?

  1. ginny09

    September 28, 2019 at 9:36 pm

    I LOVE THIS BLOG. This is where the truth about adoption can be found…and the truth can be told only by persons who experienced it…..the adoptees…no one else.

    All of you are awesome people. HUGS forever…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dannie

    September 28, 2019 at 9:59 pm

    The titles of those articles you listed should be written by adoptees only!!!! I enjoy reading from all aspects, however the adoptee voice is truly lacking and that is both sad and frustrating.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      September 28, 2019 at 11:04 pm

      Extremely frustrating, especially seeing as there is no lack of adoptees in the USA, my era there were upwards of 50K per year and even now close to 2K per year…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Lori Lavender Luz

    September 28, 2019 at 10:43 pm

    The Facebook page listed on adoptee dot org goes here: Looks like adoption dot com it is. The Twitter and YouTube links confirm it.

    Beautiful flowers.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      September 28, 2019 at 11:13 pm

      Thanks Lori for confirming that.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. cb

    September 28, 2019 at 10:44 pm

    The first article is titled “What Adoptees Really Think about Adoption”

    If I see an article anywhere about what X group “really thinks”, I would usually expect to see posts straight from the horses mouth.  

    But no, when it comes to adoption, apparently we adoptees require “adoptee whisperers” to let the world know what we “really think”.
    Thus the complex feelings that adoptees may feel (which often involving conflicting thoughts and having to think on two dfferent levels at the same time) usually get summarised into black and white statements. 
    With thea bove article, the headings were:
     As an adoptee “I got a second chance at getting new role models.”
    “I have more people to love me.”  
    “I can’t explain it; I never knew my birth parents, but I still miss them.”   “Adoption is the best thing that could have happened to me.”
    “I love them all.”  

    What was said under the headings wouldn’t have enlightened anyone about how adoptees feel. 

    Even in one article written by an adoptee, her 7th point is:
    “I had no intention of offending my adoptive parents by seeking biological relatives. I was lucky that my parents were both protective of me, and they were open to me meeting relatives when the timing was right.”
    (most of the other points are fine but that one got up my nose – my parents have never beeen “offended” by my seeking out biological relatives.

    The whole lot comes across very much as “I am an adoptive parent, I want adoption to continue to be a resource for APs like myself and thus, rather than engaging in any true reform in adoption, I would rather repackage and reframe adoption in such a way that everyone involved will feel as happy about it as we adoptive parents do.  Thus, this page is about what we want adoptees to feel”.  

    Liked by 2 people

    • TAO

      September 28, 2019 at 11:12 pm

      “But no, when it comes to adoption, apparently we adoptees require “adoptee whisperers” to let the world know what we “really think”.” – that made me laugh out loud and tip my hat to you – adoptee whisperers – Yay CB, love it.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. beth62

    September 29, 2019 at 11:46 am

    I wonder if they even asked any Adoptees for assistance.
    Did anyone see the advertisement broadcasted for Adoptee bloggers needed?
    Usually they can find some teen or young adult Adoptee to say what needs to be said to sell it for them.

    I guess I’ll just believe that every Adoptee old enough to type, or young enough to still type, or their parent/s, didn’t fall for it and told ’em to shove it!

    Wow. as boring and elementary as it is, it really is quite spectacular in a gall sort of way! What is behind those writings is too disturbing for me to laugh at as much as I want to. But you know I’m still laughing. Especially at the whisperers 😂

    It sure does give people support and opportunity to remain in sparkletown and candyland. At least until the deal is closed.

    Oh my, the more I read, the more I choose to laugh at.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      September 29, 2019 at 2:27 pm

      Agree with all Beth – Sparkletown and Candyland and Whisperers – always say the comments are what makes the post.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. beth62

    September 29, 2019 at 12:34 pm

    The same sort of thing happens in other industries too. I’ve seen it at the Harley store every time when I’ve relented and went along to eat gross soybean burgers and drink soda in their parking lot.😝

    The last person a newbie, or a salesperson, want to hear from is an experienced rider that tells the truth.
    It’s just entirely too scary to hear all that, the hints, the stories, and see the scars. Far too negative for sales!!

    One newbie chick got huffy at me and walked off. She told her friend “make sure you buy full replacement insurance, so if you total your bike it will get replaced.”

    Me, once I stop laughing “Oh honey, save your money for when you are out of work and the doctor bills are rolling in. If you wreck it bad enough for it to be a total loss, the last thing you’ll be worried about, if you can still worry, is replacing it.”

    Decades ago the owner at a Harley shop would ask his bandaged and broken buddies to not come around the shop unless they absolutely had to, and none ever absolutely have to. He hid the mangled one’s out back when the wreckers dropped them off. He’d deliver parts for free to keep them away. It happened a lot, I got to see all the glory, when I dropped of parts to the injured :/

    So yeah, ya’ll stay away from there, good people are trying to shop, and sell!

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      September 29, 2019 at 2:31 pm

      Wow, but it makes money sense I guess – are people really naïve enough to think a covering of leather will win against asphalt when you’re hurtling, bouncing and/or sliding down the road faster than the speediest man can run?

      Liked by 1 person

      • beth62

        October 1, 2019 at 4:44 pm

        I think they must believe they are better or safer riders than those who’ve gone down before them.
        You know, that sort of thing happens to people who don’t do it right 😉

        Cause if they didn’t believe that, they’d be saying “Amen!” instead of “pfft, Yeah Right” to this commonly heard statement –
        It is not a matter of IF – It’s a matter of WHEN, WHERE and HOW.

        And no, you won’t find that t-shirt at Harley dot com either 😏

        Liked by 1 person

    • cb

      September 30, 2019 at 12:23 am

      “So yeah, ya’ll stay away from there, good people are trying to shop, and sell!”

      Exactly lol.

      In the need, adoption professionals “need” adoptee voices to sell adoption which is why they don’t want to hear from anyone who doesn’t toe the line.

      Liked by 1 person

      • beth62

        October 1, 2019 at 4:17 pm

        I’m looking for something to buy, as an Adoptee, on Adoptee dot org….

        Trying to do some adult Adoptee themed holiday shopping, for some Adoptee friends…

        Well, this is obviously not the place, unless I’m pregnant or hoping to Adopt!
        Not even a “positive” book or tshirt, doesnt that just seem odd?
        Kind of shocking they aren’t even selling Proud To Be Adopted tshirts or such things to any and all.
        Maybe I shouldn’t give any more ideas LOL

        Liked by 1 person

        • TAO

          October 1, 2019 at 4:34 pm

          Too funny, didn’t realize they had merchandise…and no, don’t give them any ideas.

          Liked by 1 person

          • beth62

            October 1, 2019 at 6:51 pm

            What? Didn’t you get your Adoption Summit t-shirt yet?

            I saw one altered, he drew a person on the top of the highest summit with an arrow pointed to it saying, the best place to jump from. And a no diving symbol on the lower summit.
            I love Adoptees 🙂 They are all too often just the very best kind of horrible.

            Liked by 2 people


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