You may have been told to put yourself out there, pass along your adoption profile, get friends and family to pass on the message that you want to adopt. This has been a standard for a long time.
You may have also been told to reach out to expectant mothers, especially those who have joined an adoption group on FB or an adoption forum seeing support.
Don’t do it.
How you adopt matters. Ethics matter, despite how desperate you feel, adopting in a way that you wouldn’t be proud to explain in detail about your choices and actions, taints your future child’s adoption story.
Expectant mothers considering adoption as an option who join adoption groups, are joining them to gain support, knowledge, hear ‘been there done that’ stories from other women who’ve already travelled that path. Most are also very vulnerable because they may not have many choices, or think they don’t, and are at some level, dealing from a crisis mindset.
Do not troll them.
Don’t leave comments about how you’d love to adopt the baby they’re carrying.
Don’t leave sappy messages about how brave, loving and selfless she is to choose adoption and, how you are hoping to adopt, and hope the ‘birthmother’ of your future child is just like her.
Don’t make comments about hoping to adopt and, that you, surprisingly, want exactly what the expectant mother wants her adoption to look like.
Do not send her a private message.
Do not private message her and tell her your story of trying to have a baby and then ask to adopt her baby, all the while pretending this stranger you don’t know from Adam, is so gosh-darn-wonderful. When the reality is – you just want her to give you her baby.
And if your adoption agency, facilitator, lawyer, consultant said to do any of the above, shame on them.
And if you think I’m just being ‘one of those angry adoptees’, I’m not the only one who says don’t do this, the quote below is from an agency on their blog.
Don’t seek out birth mothers using hashtags, forums or support groups
Many hopeful adoptive families will “stalk” various forums, support groups or hashtags, looking for a woman considering adoption. They may then bombard her with uninvited offers to adopt her child. Besides being insensitive, this method is just plain creepy.
If a pregnant woman is specifically asking for adoptive families to reach out to her, then, by all means, do so. But don’t contact a woman who isn’t asking to be contacted. Instead, ask the admin of the forum or support group if you can post your story to the group. This way a potential birth mother can come to you if she thinks you might be the right fit for her child.