Spin-off from “Family trees and whatnot…

12 Sep

Spin-off and continuation of the last post “Family trees and whatnot…” because Beth’s comment left on the post both answers my questions, and then, spins the conversation further into the generational affect of adoption, plus so much more. Beth and I have been online friends for years, she’s funny and so much wiser than I’ll ever be. Below is Beth’s comment and tale I loved, she always tells the best stories.

My kids (adults) have a hard time saying “my 3rd great grandfather”. Like me they tried “my Adopted 3rd gg” …

Either can be awkward.

I guess because it’s a lie and not a lie, real and not real, true and not true… It’s pretending with a legal pass – believing anything else can make you insane I think.

Family History and Ancestry are not the same, but they are the same.

I retold my son that he can claim these Adopted Ancestors whenever he wants, or not, it’s up to him. It was like he was asking for permission, was uneasy about it, since it’s not “true”. I told him, again, I’ve, we’ve paid that price, we have the printed ticket, we can claim and never have to utter the word Adopted, that’s how it works. If anyone disputes your claims, I have a certificate of birth as proof. “You sir, are free to use it whenever you choose.” So my son enjoyed his lunch in the tavern that his many times great grandfather built as an inn for seafaring men 300 years ago. And was rightfully honored as a many times great grandson. His grandfather is very, very pleased with it all.

My daughter is living in the land of her adopted grandma’s mother’s ancestors. They founded the place, even says so on many of their gravestones, “founded this place”. It’s kind of funny, and not. I had to tell her too, give her permission that it’s okay to claim them publicly as family. In historical preservation and ancestry groups she had little issue in claiming her grandma and those ancestors.

It was all fairly easy until she ran into an Adoptee who was adopted out of this family, had recently found this original family of hers, and was a DNA match with grandma. I was very happy when my daughter immediately, and with great concern, told this Adoptee that they were not genetically related, since I’m Adopted. Also asked her, please don’t blow my cover in this Facebook group! LOL

And yes, of course (just like mom guessed) this kind and recently reunited adopted person completely understood that request and agreed 🙂

More power to em, I hope my kids continue to use their secret powers whenever they are of benefit.

I find it troubling to tell my children it’s okay to… Pretend is the nice word I guess. It’s against my mom nature to do that LOL. It does make me feel better that they are uncomfortable enough about it to ask me if I am sure it’s okay to do. I’ll always say, Yes, I paid dearly so you could. Yes, please take that ticket and run with it whenever it will do you good! Take full advantage, whenever you find it, take it if you wish. I’d suggest that to any and all Adopted ones.

Of course on the other hand, I feel like I’ve raised some very understanding and tricky little liars.

That’s normal, right? Ug. Maybe they’ll do the same for my grandkids. 😉

(ME) I’m also including Beth’s additional comment below, posted later when I asked to use her comment in a follow-up post because it really is a continuation of the first…and it has a question for adoptees as well.

I’d love to hear anything from others about the kids and grandkids of Adoptees, and how it all works for them. It’s been a huge part of my motherhood, my Adoption. It’s not about me so much, it was them that really pushed me to learn more about it all, including their/our ancestors, all of them.

Oh yeah, I find saying ‘my Adopted 3rd great grandfather’ entirely too strange and awkward. I’d forgotten, but a long time ago I changed my language. Now I say “my Dad’s 2nd great grandfather. Which allows me to be more specific while avoiding saying ‘my” anything, other than “my Dad”.💕

Which I believe is how it should be. To me it just feels a little disrespectful to that family otherwise.

I feel more respectful when I’m pretending, if I acknowledge the pretending to myself first, before I pretend. Like, I’m not lying, but it’s okay to pretend, without telling anyone involved, you know, since we’ve been given that pretend pass. Ug. Does that make any sense? Lol

I’m still laughing a bit at this thing 🙂 Somehow my daughter believes it’s okay to lie/pretend with the nonadopted, no need to tell a thing. But it’s likely safe, and only right, to let another Adoptee in on the secrets. That upsets me too, that she knows this phenomenon so well 😦 Maybe that’s just what happens when you’re raised by a bunch of wildlings. I dunno.

Cheers and many thanks to Beth, and to all the adoptees who’ve chimed in over the years that have made this space so special and why I’ve said before, the comments make this blog what it is. Thanks Beth, thanks to all adoptees!



Posted by on September 12, 2019 in Adoption


Tags: , , , , , , ,

9 responses to “Spin-off from “Family trees and whatnot…

  1. beth62

    September 13, 2019 at 1:28 pm

    Thanks TAO, you’re too kind and a dear friend. I’m very glad that made you happy. Love that picture!
    I don’t know about wise, I blame all that typing on coffee 🙂


  2. Danniea

    September 13, 2019 at 6:29 pm

    Some tidbits I don’t think I’ve shared yet on here:
    1. in a headstart classroom that i work in when i go see the kids on my speech caseload, the special ed teacher in the partnership headstar class found out a year ago that she has a brother….mom and stepdad revealed that mom had been raped at 14 and had been sent away to give birth and adopt the child out….brother was looking for his roots…my coworker was rattled at first and is a very sensitive soul towards humanity itself so she cried for days, however, this past year shes been enjoying the brother visits and her daughter has a new Uncle which has been good for her….her brother has been really interested in ancestry etc.
    2. the general ed teacher in this partnership headstart class has done the 123 and me and had her mom do it too because her mom was adopted and my coworker says she wants her ancestry roots general at least so she knows even if her mom isn’t interested and that her kids know the roots of their ancestry better.

    Anyways just popped in to keep reading and throwing out how so many of us have connections to really needing that connection.


    • TAO

      September 13, 2019 at 6:36 pm

      Great stories and connections matter a lot, the longer your in the adoption world the more it grows in ways you’d never imagine. Your post went to moderation because you changed your name (I think). Cheers


      • Dannie

        September 13, 2019 at 6:46 pm

        I’m a dork. I was doing paperwork under my other username and didn’t think about when I put my ‘name’ here

        Liked by 1 person

    • beth62

      September 15, 2019 at 12:16 pm

      Thanks Dannie 🙂
      I think the DNA and ancestry companies have changed the world for Adoptees in at least a couple of ways. I’ve run into so many people researching and connecting with known of and unknown family. Makes it so much easier to talk about an Adoption search and reunion with many more people, it’s not that strange of a thing anymore to find and meet unknown relatives. I think those that do look to connect might not get asked why as much like before the online ancestry fun began.

      I’ve even noticed people who are interested in connecting in this way (even if they don’t meet) tend to get excited, interested, or maybe impressed when they hear about a connection made that is closer than cousin – like siblings, parent, child, aunt, uncle. A new Uncle, for real, how exciting!!! And the longer the connection has been sought after, makes it even more interesting too when it’s found.
      It’s a powerful thing. I am enjoying the new Ancestry and DNA connecting world very much 😊

      I always wonder how the children of Adoptees handle it all, I know many that are certainly curious, I know there can be some anger there for them to deal with too. I’ve discussed any and all with my kids. I’ve seen them deal with much of the same stuff as I have. We’ve been in it together since they joined in. I guess they are just a step away. Now that they are closer to 30 and 40 than childhood – their “Adopteeness’ is very apparent to me, and them too.

      I hope your friends enjoy their connections made!

      Liked by 1 person

      • TAO

        September 15, 2019 at 2:02 pm

        Hey Beth, you may enjoy this blog – child of BSE adoptee parents.

        Liked by 1 person

        • beth62

          September 16, 2019 at 6:00 pm

          Thank you. Yes, I am enjoying that blog very much. Thank you (((TAO))). I’m sure this must be hard for you. I’m hoping some interest and curiosity may help you read about it more easily. I’m finding I have many questions about the descendants of Adoptees. Need more stories to gather and explore I guess… Just like we’ve done with Adoptee stories.
          I’ve become very curious about it. I guess since my daughter has had a baby, I can see more of how it, and I, affected her and her motherhood.
          I can still see it, maybe is what I am trying to say. And now I guess I’ll be looking at our new generation to see what I can see. How could I not? :/

          Liked by 1 person


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