Adoptive mother breastfeeding is a controversial subject both in adoptee circles and within wider adoption circles. When the topic is posed the response by adoptees is swift with most responses being a hard no. It’s a hard no for me too. This is my attempt at explaining this immediate and instinctual hard no from me, because I finally found the word that explained why.
You are usurping the biological mother’s role by trying to breast feed the baby you will adopt.
That’s it; that’s the reason why I instinctually feel revulsion at the thought, you are trying to usurp the babe’s mother in an area that is her sole domain. She earned that role by creating, carrying and birthing that baby. A baby that instinctively knows their mother at birth.
Right now, some reading may be reacting badly, but if you can’t sit in the in-between your child will live having two different families, how will you ever understand your child, whatever the heart subjects your child may need you to get.
You may also be ready to post that there’s always been wet-nurses; yes, there have been and they saved a lot of lives. But adoption is different; different dynamics are at play that adds a whole other layer to the topic that isn’t there when a mother is sick, can’t produce enough (or any) for her babe and another steps in. Adoption is a deliberate action of severing the mother and child unit, permanently; and the deliberate insertion of (usually) another mother to raise that child. An adoptee can see breastfeeding (or attempting to) as crossing boundaries between our two mother’s and their unique roles in our life. One mother brought us into this world and all things biological remain with her, our other mother is our social mother and raises us, teaches us, loves, cares for and guides us throughout life – the two have completely different roles.
What it comes down to for me: you are trying to take away, erase and pretend you are the biological mother. You aren’t the biological mother, you never will be. What you will be is the mom and that should be more than enough.
I get that sounds harsh, probably hurts too, and for that, I’m sorry. But if there’s anything I’ve learned through the years, it’s when time after time when a heart subject is brought up and many adoptees instinctually reject something, a line in the sand has been crossed and it’s worth listening to, even if you disagree, it makes no sense, or you do it anyway.
If comments get out of hand, I will close the comments – this is not a debate, nor a place to beat up on one another.