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From 2013: Adoption is always wonderful to some and never to be questioned

31 Jul

The post below was created in 2013, and yet, it’s still relevent today because people are still being cheerleaders for an adoption they know nothing about, except it’s an adoption. Minor edits done.

This post is about how on-line people just rave about how beautiful adoption is, without knowing anything about the actual adoption they are cheering on. For all they know “that adoption” has so many ethical and moral concerns that no one should cheer it at all. In what other situation would anyone cheer something that might be unethical, unnecessary, or just plain wrong?

The other day I stumbled on an adoption Facebook page that was all about how wonderful it is when an adoption happens. And I am still shaking my head over how eager people are to promote any adoption… (conversation paraphrased below)

Anonymous expectant mother is having a C-section tomorrow, give her some love.

The first commenter gives some support and wise warning words about open adoption isn’t enforceable and other sage words reminding her that she has the right to change her mind. Then posts immediately under that post with a “I hope that doesn’t come across as anti-adoption”. (WTH? is it anti-adoption to offer her the truth?)

A few more commented to remind her that she doesn’t have to sign until she is ready, etc. Overall some real support that whatever your decision is we are here for you type statements.

Then the you are a hero, inspiration, awesome, brave, you can do this, amazing, strong, beautiful, selfless, etc., posts start in the comments, so many, many posts.

So what’s wrong with that?

She hasn’t even given birth yet. She hasn’t met her baby yet. She will be under strong pain medication. She hasn’t made the final decision, but the tone is that it’s a done deal, signed, sealed, surrendered, she is a “birthmother”.

And not a single one of the people posting those messages have a clue who she is…

Whether or not the father is part of the decision or she has cut him out by unfair laws. Whether she was moved to another state away from all her familial support system and monitored by the agency worker. If she had unbiased counseling and legal advice. Whether the prospective adoptive parents have courted her and promised her the moon – but don’t intend to keep any promise made.

I could go on but will stop there because you know what makes adoption ethical…

The conversation started out good – unbiased support to make sure that if the adoption happened – it was on her terms (but tell me when adoption became something so sacred that talking about realities equals anti-adoption?). But then, the “you are already a “birthmom“” crowd happened, and you are such a hero voices started piling on – she could be the nicest women on the earth and the adoption completely above board, or not, no one knows, yet they are willing to stake their own reputation that everything is just swell, simply because it’s adoption.

Stop being the cheerleader for any and all adoptions that you know nothing about…

Start looking at the actual situation, do you know enough to voice your support of this adoption? If not, and you feel like you need to say something – take the route of offering sage advice that may not have been relayed to her, red-flags to watch out for, and offer her support for whatever her decision is (if you actually mean it).

Take “adoption” off the sacred pedestal of always good, always better, sometimes it is the right choice, sometimes it’s not…

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12 Comments

Posted by on July 31, 2019 in Adoption

 

Tags: , , ,

12 responses to “From 2013: Adoption is always wonderful to some and never to be questioned

  1. Mws R

    July 31, 2019 at 3:39 pm

    I agree

    Liked by 2 people

     
    • Debbie

      July 31, 2019 at 4:05 pm

      Thank you for this. I stumbled into adopting a 6 year old boy and a 10 year old girl, filled with the fantasy of how adoption is always, always good. I was so ignorant, and many years later am still learning the truth about how unethical the adoption process often is and the irreparable harm suffered by both children and mothers. Your blog has been an important part of my awakening.

      If I knew the truth from the beginning, I could have given those children much more appropriate care. It is the most vulnerable who suffer the most when we hide the truth.

      Liked by 2 people

       
      • TAO

        July 31, 2019 at 4:08 pm

        Thanks Debbie and welcome.

        Like

         
      • Mws R

        July 31, 2019 at 4:12 pm

        You are so welcome. ❤️

        Like

         
  2. cb

    July 31, 2019 at 10:33 pm

    I was just looking at the FAQ (for emoms) on a Florida adoption attorney’s page:

    ***********

    “I feel alone, scared and encouraged about my future. Will I recover from this”

    There is no recovery necessary because this decision to place your child for adoption is the most incredible, selfless act that you will ever do. Obviously, there is a grieving process and we will not minimize that. However, this selfless act is a gift that you are giving your child to have a future that you want them to have. You are putting your child’s needs before your own and that is what a parent is supposed to do.

    ************

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • TAO

      July 31, 2019 at 11:45 pm

      Oh my word, that is not right for an adoption agency to say. No, No, No…

      Liked by 2 people

       
      • cb

        August 1, 2019 at 2:31 am

        It seems to me like there is more and more a move away from true reform towards “if we talk adoption in a certain way, then everyone will be happy about it”, the above being an extreme example.

        Liked by 1 person

         
        • TAO

          August 1, 2019 at 3:03 am

          Extreme to say the least…

          Like

           
        • beth62

          August 1, 2019 at 4:01 pm

          I agree with that.
          I heard “embryo carrier” from the surrogate center at my last visit.
          Never ever thought I’d want to hear “birthmother” used instead :/
          I want to label it pro-cold and clinical, pro-blank slate.
          I think this industry is growing it, trying to blend in, it looks invasive to me.
          Sounds like Aunt Lydia 😉

          Liked by 2 people

           
  3. beth62

    August 1, 2019 at 5:14 pm

    Are there commercials for Adoption Agencies on your local free tv channel all day?
    Over and over all day everyday on “poor people antenna tv”?
    With young women recruiting others, by just saying how great and wonderful it is?
    The advertiser sells adoption and surrogacy in several states.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • legitimatebastard

      August 5, 2019 at 12:02 am

      That is disgusting. Advertising to adopt should be illegal. It is not wonderful to be that infant who loses Mother on the day she or he was born. Such an intrusion into the natural life cycle. We should be helping mothers and fathers keep their newborns, not take them away. No mother owes her child to waiting women who covet the babes of others.

      Liked by 2 people

       
  4. Raven

    August 2, 2019 at 3:52 am

    Thanks for posting this one, TAO. I appreciate you so much, my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

     

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