You know a friend who has always loved being adopted, suffered no ill effects from being adopted, the one you always hold up as a positive adoptee with a good experience?
Those adoptees are all around you, everywhere you look, I’m one who has been held up countless times in my circle, two families adopted because I turned out fine, except I’ve always felt the bigger picture, just never shared it with others because I chose to protect my family from other people’s judgement. I’m sure many of my adopted friends have also been held up as the ideal adoptees by others, it’s what people seem to do when it comes to the adopted, judge them as either good or bad. We aren’t allowed to have complicated feelings about adoption, being adopted, and that attitude seems to be getting stronger, not less and that’s a real shame.
And yes, some never experience having a penny drop and walls tumbled down, nothing wrong with that as long as they are happy. Other adoptees may get to a point where they start delving into why they are a certain way, act a certain way, why they’ve been so adamant about how they feel about being adopted, then two and two get put together and a flood of emotions and feelings come tumbling out. Then it starts to make sense why they’ve always been so touchy on a subject, adamant about another, they may even wrestle with the reality that they’ve been protecting themselves, their family, by not acknowledging they were also impacted in other ways by adoption. For some it’s a relief, for others it sets off a cascade of emotions, but ultimately it’s healing because it’s their truth and they now own it.
What owning that truth doesn’t do, or probably doesn’t do? Make them feel different about their family, their memories of years past. What it does allow for all their feelings to be held, validated, honored. So, unless you were a terrible parent or horrible person overall, there’s no reason to fear this fuller picture your child has as to what it means to be adopted, there is however a reason to be thankful though, thankful your child has the strength to own all of their adopted experience, not just the cherry picked parts society deems acceptable.