In a mood…

02 Jun

And if what I’m saying below doesn’t apply to you, your choices, your adoption, then it doesn’t apply to you and yours, no need for a #notall. And if you can’t tell from the title and opening statement; I’m right pissed off and deeply saddened and disappointed at the same time.

I’m often told adoption is so different today than my era. That adoptions today have open adoptions, openness makes such a difference and is better for the one adopted, that it’s the relationship that makes the difference. Expectant mothers choose to place, choose the family, choose the level of openness, they’re in control, relationships are form and nurtured.

At times it almost sounds like everyone operates from a wholly ethical and moral ground to find a family for the child that needs a family, both families perfectly attuned and aligned. That choices are focused on what’s best for all but especially the baby. ..

And then reality sets in…

Abortion bans have passed in 7 states this year. These states may be worth targeting when doing outreach in hopes of adopting a baby!

The quote above comes from a facebook page that’s called Adoption Advertising. Update: It appears they’ve removed the post from the page, one can only hope they learned to do better, be better.

Let’s get real, obviously for some, it’s not a we want what I described above, it’s specifically targeting vulnerable expectant mothers to get a baby, any baby will do, and maybe it’s even better if the expectant mother lives far away. Probably way easier to have an “open adoption” when you live to far to visit often enough for the child to form any real relationship with their family of birth. And I say that because if prospective adoptive parents lived in a neighboring state to any of those seven states, they may have already decided they could do an open adoption if the family by birth lived in the state next to them and allowed their profile to be shown to expectant mothers in that state.

Despite the anger I’ve tried not to display but failed in this post, I expect any comments to remain civil as I’m stressed enough as it is with the above even being suggested.


Added PS. Want to know why so many adoptees seem so angry? Things like this, attitudes like this.



Posted by on June 2, 2019 in Adoption, adoptive parents


Tags: , , , , ,

15 responses to “In a mood…

  1. Laksh

    June 2, 2019 at 4:19 pm

    I saw that post on Twitter and it made my blood boil. As for openness, after 9 years of organically building one, I am no longer sure about anything. Each visit, each interaction seems to reopen trauma, yet the alternative is not acceptable. How do we do good by our children? The more I think, adoption in itself should be rendered unnecessary. I never thought I would feel this way as an adoptive parent but it is what it is.

    Liked by 3 people

    • TAO

      June 2, 2019 at 4:35 pm

      I understand Laksh, truly I do. And open adoption for my sibling was best for her, she’s had a sometimes on, sometimes off relationship with her mother, but it’s been an enduring one that helped her for going on half a century now. My take, it has to be better than never meeting your mother or father – my reality.

      Liked by 1 person

      • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

        June 2, 2019 at 5:03 pm

        Tao, yes, closed adoption “buries the problem” but feelings buried alive never die. An enduring relationship is important, one accomplished in open adoption. True, this does require more effort for the parties involved and no relationship is perfect. There will be ups and downs, just as there are in closed adoptions. Whether closed or open, adoption hurts. That is my concern.

        Liked by 1 person

    • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

      June 2, 2019 at 4:46 pm

      Laksh, you have given voice to my concerns.


  2. Dannie

    June 2, 2019 at 6:25 pm

    I’ve always thought of myself as pro life but not in line with the pro life movement that usually ends concern after a baby is born. My thought has always been babies should stay with family and mothers should be able to tap into fully funded resources to raise children, but unfortunately isuch programs and resources are the first to get slashed budget wise or then parent or parents are looked down with shame or name called for utilizing services instead of choosing adoption. This dichotomy is the reason I chose to go through the foster care system vs a domestic infant adoption or international adoption route. Not that any Avenue is without issues though.

    As for abortion bans. From a religious standpoint God gives us a choice to believe or not and I feel in instances like abortion, a full on ban is just not moral or right and while many known to be religious and evangelical like to say it’s the right way to have government be……I disagree.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. beth62

    June 3, 2019 at 1:56 am

    “Want to know why so many adoptees seem so angry? Things like this, attitudes like this.”

    Yes, attitudes like that. Too many won’t listen, too many don’t care. Those attitudes have been normalized. Seen as okay, even positive by many. Many who make the game and then call people maladjusted if they don’t follow the rules. I think Adoptees can be the best ones at it sometimes too.
    I know I’ve learned, and work at not having attitudes like that, they are easy to have. survival of the fittest. Takes little effort to mostly concern yourself with yourself. No need to get deep into any details. Way less stress that way too, in the short term anyway, usually.

    I still don’t understand why so many can’t see what’s so obviously going on.lately in so many places, or directions…The attitudes.
    Am I losing it? Do you see it out there, the machine, all lit up? I guess you might, hence this post. I see it daily now. I can’t seem to escape hearing…the attitudes. I hope I’m not finally losing my mind completely.

    Liked by 2 people

    • TAO

      June 3, 2019 at 3:11 am

      The attitudes are real, loud, entitled. Drives me up a wall.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. beth62

    June 3, 2019 at 1:09 pm

    I’m up there on the wall with you. :/ Hard to believe it’s real sometimes, don’t want to. So many tell me it’s not real, that it’s me. I think they don’t hear well, because I agree, it’s very loud, and very ugly out there.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

    June 3, 2019 at 9:09 pm

    TAO, thank you for informing us about the Facebook page that’s called Adoption Advertising. Nowadays, there are 40 couples looking to adopt a newborn for every baby who will be surrendered to adoption. Thus, pro-adoption people need to create “orphans” through anti-choice laws, using fertile women as breeders. Adopters will change the identity of the baby, who has no choice in the matter.

    Many adoption agencies will thrive — because adoption is big business. Lawyers also will thrive, finding babies for adopters willing to pay a hefty fee.

    Merriam-Webster defines chattel as a person who is considered the property of another person. Adoption is a process whereby adopters buy ownership of a baby who previously belonged to a first mother, a breeder.

    Some say “adoption is beautiful.” It is not beautiful when the first mother has no choice and her baby has no choice. In this scenario, an adopter is the only one in the adoption triad who has choice in the adoption process. Do we really want to create orphans as a solution to infertility?

    Liked by 2 people

  6. AdoptiveBlackMom

    June 3, 2019 at 9:28 pm

    All of this. I was explaining this to a family member this weekend.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. donebehaving

    June 5, 2019 at 3:43 am

    Although I’ve always known I was adopted, I’m newly awakening to the full impact of the trauma and the ways in which it set me up for additional trauma throughout my life. Thank you for your voice.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      June 5, 2019 at 1:43 pm

      Welcome – pretty sure we’ve all been there or will be where you are right now.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. jacqelinewilson

    June 16, 2019 at 3:01 am

    Of course people who want to adopt are happy about the abortion ban. I’m not surprised at all about that post to look for babies in the states that ban adoption. These people view babies as commodities to fill their own needs.

    Liked by 1 person


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