Upfront I need to say I’ve never felt this way about my adoption and we all were Plan B, but it sure seems whatever the verbiage used, that many adoptees are merely consolation prizes the adopting parents finally settled for. And I see the risk of adoptees being merely consolation prizes growing, not diminishing.
Maybe I’m feeling this way because it seems every post I read about adopting, begins with the minute details of years of fertility struggles, the vast array of procedures and meds taken, the heartbreaking losses. Another version also includes always having a heart to adopt or some iteration of that thrown in.
Mom mentioned trying from time to time over the years when the conversation turned that way, but it was treated as we tried but we didn’t get pregnant so we adopted. And yes, mom did grieve the loss and I’d imagine dad did as well in his own silent way of grieving, perfectly normal in my mind to want to get pregnant, experience birth and to continue your line and have a couple different versions of you running around. And it is also perfectly normal for that grief to resurface from time to time with a loss that really can’t be seen as something you just get over, it’s too big for that. Maybe it was their enduring strength of will to carry on despite the hard that created an atmosphere of contentment of what was and that Plan B was just fine. Or it could be the lack of endless treatments to keep trying that is offered today that stretches over years that has created this difference I see, and I hope I’m wrong about, but also fear I’m right about. It would also explain why some are willing to cross ethical boundaries in adoption without skipping beat because they’ve been crushed so many times.
I worry about how the adoptees of today will feel, will they be just fine with being Plan C, D, H, or will they feel like a consolation prize when they’ve grown up and look back. Only time will tell and expect it to be a mixed bag at best.