Hard birthday thoughts and feelings…

06 Feb

Fair warning, swear words and pain included…

Trauma. We all have trauma at points throughout our life and there is nothing we can do to escape that, but I’m getting tired of having that visitor keep visiting, especially on the day I was born, a day meant to celebrate, a day that also happened recently. Another birthday that never fails to reminds me that I’m different, special in an ugly way of unworthy of even being acknowledged by some family members from both sides. Pain from the realty of what happened the day I was born, left, and all that has happened since that fateful day another bastard was born.

Oh, to be a naïve child again who loved her birthday, a day that soon became a day fraught with dueling emotions and a mask put on to make other people feel good.

A day I now approach knowing every memory will come up, a day I’m supposed to love, and in a way, still do, but now a darker side exists than mere wishes of knowing who I was born to be. A side that includes the reality of what happens when a family is deliberately broken; permanently, and yes, I can blame it on societal mores at the time that were real and present, that knowledge doesn’t fix the feelings though. I can blame it on a bad experience and an incompetent intermediary, but that’s just giving a pass where none is deserved. You see, I have a sister who found out about me before our mother passed away; who also went to indescribable lengths to make sure I knew, that I, as the first-born of her mother, was not welcome into her family. That memory is always present just beneath the surface, my birthday brings it forward from the recesses of my mind, reminding me of her superiority by the mere nature of her birth over a lowly bastard sister that came in the form of a letter from a lawyer; a letter that made it absolutely clear, if there ever was a day her family wanted anything to do with me, they’d let me know, until then, just to fuck right off.

I can’t begin to explain the feelings receiving that letter evoked inside me; feelings that even my husband’s reaction after reading it, didn’t limit the pain it wrought, that it still holds. That pain was mitigated somewhat by having aunts who’d already welcomed me back into the family; and that even if my mother never saw me, let alone hold me the day of my birth, that at least my grandmother and aunt peered through the nursery window to get a glimpse of me.

How the fuck are adoptees supposed to reconcile their personal story; the personal stories of their friends who are adopted; the sheer number of adoptees living with stories filled with pain, and sit quietly by while the world celebrates families being broken so babies can be turned into more adoptees? Platitudes of adoption is so different today are valid to some degree; but you can’t ever un-break what was broken, and it must be broken for an adoption to happen.


Posted by on February 6, 2019 in Adoption


Tags: , , , ,

24 responses to “Hard birthday thoughts and feelings…

  1. Mws R

    February 6, 2019 at 3:58 pm

    I could feel your pain through reading this whole post. I am adopted and I too have so many feelings and things unsolved.

    Liked by 2 people

    • TAO

      February 6, 2019 at 3:59 pm

      Thank you and I’m sorry you do to.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Mws R

        February 6, 2019 at 4:01 pm

        Thank you! It is important to know we are not alone in this type of pain. You are not alone and happy birthday, the day you became you and hope in the power to change things for the betterment of yourself. Screw all those in your way.

        Liked by 2 people

        • TAO

          February 6, 2019 at 4:03 pm

          You’re wonderful in finding the right words.

          Liked by 2 people

  2. Lisa-Jane Erwin

    February 6, 2019 at 4:58 pm

    I’m sorry you have to endure such pain. My first thought was “Wow, your sister is a real jerk”. My second thought was “Perhaps, but that’s still her sister and she might feel a thing or two about someone insulting her sister”. It’s complicated doesn’t quite seem to suffice. Sure wish I knew how to make it better.

    We needed you to be born. Happy birthday!

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Laksh

    February 6, 2019 at 5:28 pm


    Liked by 3 people

  4. Lara/Trace

    February 6, 2019 at 6:15 pm

    Happy Birthday and f*ck the jerks.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. K.

    February 7, 2019 at 12:19 am

    You didn’t deserve to be treated that way. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Pj

    February 7, 2019 at 5:48 pm

    Honestly couldn’t respond after reading this the first time. Your pain is palpable and I’m so sorry, Tao, but grateful you’re able to share.Coming here truly helps my healing…along with the frequent swear words 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    • TAO

      February 7, 2019 at 5:59 pm

      You’re the best Pj, I appreciate you and grateful for your company.


  7. Tiffany

    February 7, 2019 at 7:00 pm

    I’m so sorry. What cruelty.

    Our daughter just had her birthday, and she really wanted to talk to her other parents. I texted and didn’t get an answer back until very late in the day that they were busy with family issues. Luckily, my daughter had kinda forgotten she wanted to talk to them, and we were at busy having fun for her day, so I didn’t tell her their reply. But God, it was like a knife to the heart. It would have only taken five minutes to call her. She wants so much from them, but they hold her at such a distance, and I am sure it is because of their own pain, but… it feels to me like the person who had no choice in the matter gets the most amount of pain dumped on them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      February 7, 2019 at 11:47 pm

      I’m so sorry for little one, that’s not fair, different when you’re an adult like me. Hugs for both of you.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Heather

    February 7, 2019 at 10:51 pm

    Hugs to you my friend. I’m so glad you’re here.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      February 7, 2019 at 11:48 pm

      Back to you as well – it’s wonderful to have friends like you and all the other’s.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Heather

        February 8, 2019 at 3:00 am

        Your writing has brought together a community of wonderful, sharing, caring and intelligent people. Thank you for being willing to be vulnerable.

        I’m so grateful for each post you share and for the people who comment.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

    February 8, 2019 at 3:28 am

    Adoption hurts.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. beth62

    February 9, 2019 at 12:30 pm

    I love it when you swear. Those words are very fitting when you dig deep. So, yeah, F that B! F ’em all!

    Happy Birthday Sweetheart 🙂 I hope and pray that you must endure dozens more!

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      February 9, 2019 at 2:36 pm

      I hope both of us endure dozens more.


  11. beth62

    February 10, 2019 at 12:41 am

    That would teach us. It would serve us right, we’d deserve every bit of it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Stephanie (Tia)

    February 12, 2019 at 1:38 pm

    The older I get, the more stories I read, the more cruelty in adoption I see, it becomes harder to come to terms with adoption the thing in general, but more the glorification. I’m sorry for your losses and that there are family members who made the loss harder.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      February 12, 2019 at 2:32 pm

      Thank you Stephanie.



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