Things haven’t changed since my era…

01 Jan

So, a meme posted on an open FB page about an adopted child is “touched” by the loss of their primary attachment so they aren’t lucky, sparks these two comments by two different adoptive parents.

“So true. This is a real thing and can cause anguish for an adopted child. We just went through this with our daughter. We’ve always talked openly about her adoption, but for some reason the loss hit her hard last year. I really didn’t expect it since she’s been with us since birth…”


“totally true. I really wish more people would talk openly about how trying parenting is…years later. I am on year 17…and it is not something folks talk about enough. Dont get me wrong…we are all called to answer this need…but its not easy…and gets way rougher than it may seem in the first 5-10 years.”

Tell me again how much more adoptive parents know today than parents from my era? How carefully screened, educated and aware they are. Both responses show the sheer ignorance of how an adoptee processes being adopted throughout their life and the ramifications of losing your family .

We are not Blank Slates when we are adopted; nor are the two responses above anomalies by some/many adoptive parents today, sadly, they are all too common.

And the quotes around “touched” is due to my ick factor of that word being used in adoption in a way as to suggest it’s not something you need to really worry about and/or that it is beneficial. Touched in my era (or family?) was viewed differently, and specifically not in a way to assume it was benign or good.




Posted by on January 1, 2019 in Adoption


Tags: , , ,

13 responses to “Things haven’t changed since my era…

  1. Nara

    January 1, 2019 at 6:49 pm

    Tbh I see it also in adoptee communities. There are some very strange comments from younger adoptees and I can’t help thinking their minds will change as they get older and process it more.

    Liked by 2 people

    • TAO

      January 1, 2019 at 6:56 pm

      So true Nara – we all need a certain amount of lived experiences to fully grasp the totality of all that adoption is – good and bad – and how that played out for that adoptee. Happy New Year – happy you stopped by, hope all is well.

      Liked by 5 people

      • beth62

        January 2, 2019 at 4:32 pm

        It concerns me when I hear our youngest adult adoptees say many of those strange comments. Still today. You know, because it’s all supposedly changed so much for them. Granted there are some new strange comments that came with the times, but they are just old twisted up strange comments twisted up even more with some new words. Same strangeness. I said the same stuff, until I realized what I was really saying. Now I see plainly what is being said, and I know why it’s said.

        It just makes me sad. Especially when I know these comments and words were taught and encouraged! during this supposed new enlightened and oh so open time of Adoption. Obviously.

        Fear and sorrow don’t do much good for anyone. I can’t imagine that will ever change, always constants that need more attention and better lighting. Nobody wants to go there, who can blame them, it’s been so lonely and dark in adoptionland. That’s the part that needs more light, more open talk. Somebody has to understand it to teach it, it’s very sad when that somebody has to be the adoptee, especially when they are still a kid. Especially when the trauma is denied by everyone around them, or diminished by being lightly “touched” by adoption trauma.
        That trauma train didn’t just touch us as it went by, it hit us straight on, ran us right over. Know it, believe it, teach it, talk openly about it if you can. You can.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. juliemcgue

    January 1, 2019 at 8:52 pm

    These comments by adoptive parents are enlightening. While adoptive parents of current times should be more enlightened, unless they are in a serious dialogue with their adopted child they are not going to understand that perspective. An adoptee has to share honestly what is in their heart and head and the parent has to listen intently with an open mind. Concentrated, honest exchanges have to occur between both parties before their is true understanding of each other’s unique perspectives.

    Liked by 2 people

    • TAO

      January 1, 2019 at 9:07 pm

      You’re putting a huge burden on the child to teach the parent what they should have already educated themselves on prior to adopting.

      Liked by 3 people

      • Sally Bacchetta

        January 2, 2019 at 8:55 pm

        Tao, I agree and plead guilty. We were “carefully screened” for financial solvency, psychological stability, and physical health; but not for our insight or awareness. We were “educated” about logistics and our legal rights; but not about any perspective other than that of hopeful APs. We were “aware” of adoption as a ‘kindness’, a ‘blessing’, a ‘win-win’; but not aware of the (potentially lifelong) trauma and (too common) deceit. It’s easy for me to say now that we should have been made aware back then. But… by whom? The agency benefited from our naivete. True, deep education wasn’t/isn’t in their interest. It’s also easy for me to say now that we should have taken the initiative to educate ourselves. Today it would be a no-brainer, but back then… we didn’t have any idea. We didn’t know what we didn’t know. That sounds simple and stupid even to me, so I can’t imagine how it sounds to you. I grew up hearing little about adoption, and only the tripe that it’s a gift to both mother and baby – you know, the “rescue” dogma. When that’s all you hear for years and years, it’s easy to fail to question that “truth.” “Adoption saves a baby the mother doesn’t want.” The sky is blue. Water is wet. Fire burns. 😦

        Liked by 1 person

        • TAO

          January 2, 2019 at 9:11 pm

          Sally – the agencies are the ones that need the blame squarely put on them, some do seem to do a better job than others. What bothers me though is the rhetoric that adoption is different today, my children won’t feel the way you (the proverbial adoptee they happen to be speaking too) – it’s different, but is it really different?

          I do see differences to be sure, openness, more interaction between adoptive parents because of the internet, blogs forums, facebook – all that bodes well for the future, it truly does. But it only bodes well if the knowledge offered is grasped by those who need it most, and the only way that will happen is if the law requires it to be provided. Then those open but naïve can grasp it, those closed never will.

          I don’t know how to make it all better, but I’m continually shocked at how few even question if there are added layers to the life the little one will live.

          I do know AP’s speaking up can reach more than an adoptee ever can, and those standing up and saying I should have done more xyz and want you to learn from what I waited too long to learn…rambling here…

          Happy New Year!

          Liked by 1 person

        • beth62

          January 4, 2019 at 5:39 am

          Thanks Sally. Hey, I get it, as an adoptee I was naive about so much, and the trauma too, until I wasn’t. Nobody told me. It took me decades to put it all together. I’m still astonished at how confusing it all can be. I’m happy I’ve figured it out enough to see how simple it really is.
          When I get angry about how naive I was, and how naive I was kept, and expected to stay, I call it brainwashing. It’s way nicer to say naive LOL But to be honest and open I have to say – it’s frigginbrainwashing.


  3. Cindy

    January 2, 2019 at 1:04 am

    But, but, but, you ARE blank slates and mothers don’t feel but a twinge of sadness, once in a great while, when they give their babies to another family/a “better” life. It all goes back to dismissing the mother and the mother and baby bond. “She has no strong (like every other mother) maternal feelings for this baby” (notice, not, HER baby). “She’ll get over it”. “She’ll have more children”. Plus all the other shtuff spouted by those that do not know what the heck they’re talking about (out of ignorance or otherwise).

    TAO, I feel strongly that *they* (adoptive parents) don’t know, because they are seldom told anything close to resembling the truth, because they (those that ‘do the deal’) cannot acknowledge the horror of taking an infant from it’s mother for both the mother and the baby. And, frankly, a lot of adoptive don’t want to think about it either.

    We mothers are the “only home/mother/family every infant has “ever known”. UNTIL, someone finds or makes a way to separate us.

    Thanks so much for the best laugh I’ve had in awhile with “touched”. It’s quite fitting I think. Thanks to you I won’t be so offended by that word now that you have enlightened me to the correct, proper and fitting usage.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      January 2, 2019 at 1:22 am

      🙂 Happy New Year Cindy – hoping it’s good to you.


  4. Stephanie (Tia)

    January 7, 2019 at 2:04 pm

    The second comment is especially disturbing because “we are all called to answer this need” has a martyr tone.

    Overall, I don’t see a lot of improvement in awareness of adoption issues. I actually saw an adoptive mom blogger who shall remain nameless get really smug about my parents’ generation compared to her superior age of adoption enlightenment.

    Walk away from the AP blog. Walk away. It was all I could to do not to say “Yeah well say what you will, my brother and I had privacy, unlike your children so maybe you have something to learn from them after all.” But most days there just isn’t enough energy for the rabbit hole.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      January 7, 2019 at 5:24 pm

      Agree, I deliberately chose not to even recognise savior narrative…

      Let me guess, she refers to herself as White _____

      Happy New Year!


  5. beth62

    February 12, 2019 at 2:49 pm

    I don’t know how to make it all better, but I’m continually shocked at how few even question if there are added layers to the life the little one will live.



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