Dear people who adopt, want to adopt,
Your child’s “birthmom’s” mom is your child’s grandma, not “birthmom’s” mom (well, she is that too). I get that you may desperately want to be your child’s only family, but that isn’t how it works when you adopt (and you know me well enough to know my answer is if you can’t accept that and haven’t adopted yet, then don’t adopt).
(There’s a link at the bottom that spurred this post)
Yes, legally, your child is no longer a part of her family of birth, that’s what the law was designed to do, sever the legal familial relationship, and legally attach the familial relationship to your family line. In reality, we still have our full family lineages intact that no adoption order signed by a judge can ever truly sever.
So, here’s what you need to accept: If the child has a “birthmom” then the child has a grandmother, grandfather, maybe aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, and they have a line that goes back in time to a time that had no beginning and no end. The same applies to the child’s father and his line.
You also get to choose whether to: a) pretend there is no “birth family” on either side except a single solitary figure called “birthmom”, raise your child and avoid any messy feelings your child may have in the future, living with big feelings, grief, questions, all on their own to protect you, the adult, from having to deal; or b) you can find a way to push though your insecurities and what you thought your family would be, and be there to walk alongside your child and wholly accept all that your child is, and that includes her having a family she was born into, whether she ever meets them, or not, they exist and we have to process all that means.
If you chose a) above instead of b) – no worries, your child will know based on said and unsaid messages you send her that you can’t handle any feelings she has about being adopted, and her other family, and will make sure you never know. It’s your choice on which relationship you have with your chid, a) the one easiest for you and your frailties, or b) what your child needs – a mom.
What spurred this post can be found here, and I seldom link, but I think she didn’t take the time to do any research on all that adoption is and hopefully learns to be better.
PS – you can never have too many grandma’s in your life, I had three I grew up with – more love for me.