I read an article on the results of a study on friends and what I call ‘fit’ and want to talk about how it relates to being adopted and how we experienced being adopted. I am not saying fit is all there is, it isn’t, I’m saying I think it is a big component in adoption for the adoptee. I have two life-long friends where there is no work required to maintain the relationship, whether a day or several years pass without talking, we just fit effortlessly and it’s always like we talked yesterday. I had that same fit with dad, less so with mom.
This morning Lakshmi tweeted this which explains the opposite of fit very well:
When you meet someone you have spent years working, lunching with and you both have nothing to say, it reminds you… twitter.com/i/web/status/9…—
Lakshmi (@lakshgiri) April 30, 2018
This is the article that sparked this post and explains in detail what I mean by fit. Who are your real friends? Your brainwaves can tell
How do we move people to a world where It’s normal for a range of experiences and views on being adopted is expected. Where we assume no two experiences being adopted will be alike. Where we don’t hold adoptees up who “had a good experience” as the ideal and dismiss those who “had a bad experience”. I want to see a shift in the narrative of adoption spoken by adoptive parents, first parents, and adoption professionals to embrace the complexity of the adopted life and the individuals in it. To push back on any narrative that limits adoptees to either the good adoptee/experience or the angry adoptee/bad experience and remove the blame placed on the adoptee for how they view their experience (just be grateful).
To focus the discussion on ways to bring more care, attention, education at the start of any adoption, how good the fit is between the two families, the personalities, the likes and dislikes. How to achieve, whenever possible, that the adoptee won’t feel like an other within a family of likeness.
While in theory: domestic infant adoption has expectant parents picking the adopting parents, which should help the fit aspect which I think is probably the most crucial in terms of the adoptee, how well does it work in reality when they are initially basing their choices from profiles carefully created to put their best forward. Profiles that are increasingly created by professionals to sell that family to expecting parents.
Questions I have and welcome comments and discussion on this:
Do you think fit is an important part of the adoptee experience. Why or why not.
Are expecting parents encouraged to pick profiles they see themselves and interests mirrored back, or is what the hopeful adoptive offer the expectant parents and also the child higher up on the priority. Is this part of the discussion an adoption counselor has with the expecting parents.
Are expectant parents encouraged to pick several families and to spend time with them to ensure the fit is there. Are expectant dads even part of that process the majority of the time because we get half our dna from each parent and that matters in regards to fit.
It’d be helpful to hear from adoption professionals on how they talk about fit (if they do), from first parents on what they were told was important to look for, what they did, from adopting parents on the subject as well, if they looked for it, if they walked away because the fit wasn’t there.