For Prospective/Hopeful Adoptive Parents

23 Apr

You may have been told to put yourself out there, pass along your adoption profile, get friends and family to pass on the message that you want to adopt.  This has been a standard for a long time

You may have also been told to reach out to expectant mothers, especially those who have joined an adoption group on FB or an adoption forum seeing support. 

Don’t do it.

How you adopt matters.  Ethics matter, despite how desperate you feel, adopting in a way that you wouldn’t be proud to explain in detail about your choices and actions, taints your future child’s adoption story.

Expectant mothers considering adoption as an option who join adoption groups, are joining them to gain support, knowledge, hear ‘been there done that’ stories from other women who’ve already travelled that path.  Most are also very vulnerable because they may not have many choices, or think they don’t, and are at some level, dealing from a crisis mindset.

Do not troll them.

Don’t leave comments about how you’d love to adopt the baby they’re carrying.

Don’t leave sappy messages about how brave, loving and selfless she is to choose adoption, and how you are hoping to adopt, and hope the ‘birthmother’ of your future child is just like her.

Don’t make comments about hoping to adopt, and that you, surprisingly, want exactly what the expectant mother wants her adoption to look like.

Do not private message her and tell her your story of trying to have a baby, and then ask to adopt her baby, all the while pretending this stranger you don’t know from Adam, is so gosh darn wonderful.  When the reality is – you just want her to give you her baby.

And if your adoption agency, facilitator, lawyer, consultant said to do any of the above, shame on them.

And if you think I’m just being ‘one of those angry adoptees’, I’m not the only one who says don’t do this, the quote below is from an agency on their blog.

Don’t seek out birth mothers using hashtags, forums or support groups

Many hopeful adoptive families will “stalk” various forums, support groups or hashtags, looking for a woman considering adoption. They may then bombard her with uninvited offers to adopt her child. Besides being insensitive, this method is just plain creepy.

If a pregnant woman is specifically asking for adoptive families to reach out to her, then, by all means, do so. But don’t contact a woman who isn’t asking to be contacted. Instead, ask the admin of the forum or support group if you can post your story to the group. This way a potential birth mother can come to you if she thinks you might be the right fit for her child.

I’m talking about this again because I continue to see this inappropriate behavior happening.



Posted by on April 23, 2018 in Adoption, adoptive parents


Tags: , , , ,

15 responses to “For Prospective/Hopeful Adoptive Parents

  1. My Perfect Breakdown

    April 23, 2018 at 2:13 pm

    Where I live it’s actually against the law for us to advertise our adoption online. Which we were told would actually make adopting in the USA more challenging because we couldn’t post an online profile. Yet without doing any advertising/soliciting on the internet we were matched in record time. I share this to say, trolling websites, potential birth mom’s/families, etc. definitely wasn’t something we needed to do, even if we wanted to (which we didn’t).
    Also, I have to add, where I live is looking to amend our laws to make it easier to have an online presence. Which I think is a shame and will send us down a very dark and dangerous rabbit hole.


    • TAO

      April 23, 2018 at 2:22 pm

      Thanks MPB – dangerous rabbit hole – agree.


  2. Heather

    April 23, 2018 at 9:37 pm

    Yes to all of the above. It’s very creepy and so manipulative. It shows that for desperate people any baby will do and they will go to any lengths to get one.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. beth62

    April 24, 2018 at 3:10 pm

    A friend of mine is the secretary for a big church, she refuses to post the searching for baby/pregnant woman flyers any more. She receives a lot of them, it’s shocking. 1. It’s sleezy. 2. The blank slate wording is often just awful. 3. What would Jesus do? Would he have wanted his mother to be subjected to all that, every week at church? She, we, think, Not.

    All of the MANY large and scary billboard signs on my route, that were once worried about the “scared”, poor and pregnant young women, are no longer. Now they try to help the young, “broke?”, healthy and experienced women out, by paying $50 grand for them to get pregnant and deliver the product.
    I’ve run into a few of the clients, not by choice! but friends of friends that were housing the expecting. I listened and asked some questions. I nearly fainted, for real, broke out in a cold sweat talking to them. Had to leave.

    I’ve been notified and invited to participate in some fundraisers for IVF/surrogacy “or Adoption if all fails”, by people who know me well enough to know not to bother. One tried to tell me how different it is. Thought for sure that I must already know how different it was than Adoption. She lit into me like I was evil for not loving it.

    I want to set fire to those billboards.

    But instead, I have a lunch meeting with two of the owners today 🙂 And I don’t need a fundraiser to make a change. I just need to talk these guys into selling them to me to add to my collection, or into changing advertisers, which I also have ready in my pocket.
    Time to put my money, and my coveted advertising clients, where my mouth is – instead of lunch.
    I pre-lunched my lunch, haha, all sharked up and ready 🙂


    • TAO

      April 24, 2018 at 4:24 pm

      You rock Beth! I started hearing about designated adoption a few years ago. Deliberately getting pregnant to relinquish at birth to a specified couple. I can’t, just can’t wrap my mind around a mother doing this deliberately, especially those mothers who have already relinquished a child prior to the same couple. This world has turned upside down and the crassness and lack of caring just slays me.


      • beth62

        April 26, 2018 at 1:43 pm

        Alright then,
        I hope you’re happy 😉 got far more than I bargained for, but we’re ratified and waiting on the title work.

        I’m still trying to accept that man’s world has probably always been upside down, disrespectful to life, crass, and always will be to some extent. Things change, people find new ways to disrespect and take advantage of others.

        It’s hard to accept that “mother” “child” and basic human “life” have been shown no respect at all by many, and many of them with their own good intentions of some sort. It’s been preyed upon by many, in many ways, for many reasons, and probably always will be.

        Good thing there are many that do respect life/mother/father/child, and many who manage to find a way to be rid of the disrespectful things that they can, and many that always will as well.

        We might get somewhere if more of my fellow Christians could open their eyes, could see that the story given of Jesus is all about that. That is the story that Jesus is in, and it’s very good news.

        Speaking of crassness, I watched Roseanne the other night LOL they had a marathon so I watched like 4 episodes. The coincidence shocked me, in a good way, a bit of it was about surrogacy, even had the same $50k amount. I think I liked the way they showed it, covered quite a bit of the issues and arguments. But, I was laughing at Jackie too much to pay good attention, will have to watch again!

        I’m all about live and let live. When no respect for life, or mother, is shown, I confess and accept that it is a huge trigger for me. This time, I think I actually may have managed to act well with it. Ha!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Tiffany

    April 25, 2018 at 7:49 pm

    To me, that would be like a form of harassment. I don’t understand why anyone would think that is ok to do to a stranger.

    I shared in the post that I wrote for you how uncomfortable we were with the agency’s advertising methods. It felt so incredibly icky to us, and my husband, who is a generally pragmatic person, said it was like shopping for a baby. I am pro-adoption reform, but I also think it’s unrealistic to think it will stop happening, or that we should have zero adoptions as our goal because as a pro-choice woman, that feels like dictating to other women what they are able to do and not do. But for the love of ethics, the outright advertising is just gross and terrible. I think it is ultimately driven by money, and if we simply took the money out of adoption, the advertising would go away as well. Although, likely that would make PAPs more desperate and maybe it would drive up incidents of them reaching out directly to women.

    Look, infertility sucks. I can’t even imagine how soul crushing it must be, and I am so empathetic. I am sure it is just heartbreaking. But two wrongs never make a right, and it’s not ok to use your pain as a justification to cause someone else pain.


    • TAO

      April 25, 2018 at 9:03 pm

      I don’t know what the solution is – but I’ve seen people actively soliciting expectant mothers who are thinking about adoption and are deeply vulnerable and scared. You just should NOT solicit a pregnant woman like she’s a vessel to supply you with the baby you want. Ugh, it makes me mad, no worries about going down the slippery slope, they’ve already climbed out the other side when they do that.


  5. cb

    April 27, 2018 at 3:59 pm

    Thankfully, it is all illegal where I live so I don’t have to put up with it.

    However, in the US, it seems that the line has been crossed and lost and I can’t see things improving the near future.


    • TAO

      April 27, 2018 at 4:01 pm

      I’m trying…


  6. Laura

    May 12, 2018 at 1:06 am

    Until recently I had no idea this happened. I joined a Facebook group to try to learn from the community – adult adoptees, birthmothers, adoptive parents, foster parents – and someone trolled in there. When I read the comment she wrote to an expectant mother it made my stomach turn.


    • TAO

      May 12, 2018 at 3:11 pm

      It happens all the time apparently. No need for people who’d do this to worry about going down the slippery slope, they’ve already climbed up the other side…


  7. jazzygirl

    May 16, 2018 at 2:04 pm

    Yes! Thanks for your post. Ethics matter, and an expectant mother who is considering relinquishing her child is extremely vulnerable. It makes me so upset that people “troll” around sites as you mentioned looking for a child to adopt without the proper oversight and support. Ugh…It’s such a complex matter on so many different levels. Who is truly considering the needs of the child and natural mother?


    • TAO

      May 16, 2018 at 2:57 pm

      It seems more often than not that the adoptees are the only ones able to step up.

      Liked by 1 person


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