Two posts I’ve read recently that may be good to discuss, mull on, agree or disagree. And a third post I go back to time after time, it seems to give good advice for many situations in adoption.
“I’ve learned over the years that there are two basic kinds of people when it comes to those who are touched by adoption. There are the ones who don’t dwell on the adoption and the ones who do. There are very few people who fall in between.”
I’d posit that most adoptees fall in between, not either/or, and who wants to further division between us.
I’m not sure why she chose this either/or example to highlight adoptees instead of a both/and. Few things in life are black and white, and being adopted certainly isn’t an either/or, it has far too much complexity and fluctuating feelings to ever be either/or across a lifetime. And heaven forbid someone dwells on something for a time in their life, maybe even seems downtrodden at times. Sometimes life sucks, whatever that person is dealing with, or processing. It’s harmful to paint people processing challenges in this way.
She speaks about her thinking on being adopted sporadically, but being too busy living life to dwell on being adopted. That is how most adoptees live their lives until an event happens to them that sparks interest in delving into being adopted, it’s not an either/or, nor does spending a season focusing on being adopted mean you won’t return to thinking about being adopted every now and again like before.
Like the author and most other adoptees, I’d think about being adopted, for me, it was every six months or so. Once the internet happened, I’d spend the weekend searching for clues, and then, I’d pack being adopted away again until I thought about it again That was before I got sick. Now I find the subject compelling, both current and historical adoption, same with genealogical research. With both, it’s something familiar enough that what I learn sticks. With adoption, it has also provided me with a community and friendships I wouldn’t have otherwise, and I value that highly, you are all such a gift. I’m the anomaly though, because I didn’t get to have my life back after I got sick, so I’m even more thankful to have something that interests me, that I can turn to when I have the energy, and most importantly, engage with people who get where I’m coming from or challenge me to reconsider my views and become a better person.
This post, specifically her response made me pause. I don’t remember how mom or dad responded, but the response seemed wrong to say to an adopted child, because the underlying truth is that there is another mother too, and she’s also real, even if not part of the child’s life. Feel free to tell me I’m wrong, but I don’t think this is an either/or subject either, it’s both/and.
Here’s a post that talks about real in adoption and the either/or and both/and that speaks to me as the better way to answer that question for a little one who says it, and I loved how Torrejon turned the real upside down.
Stay safe and well…