Now is not the time

18 Feb

I often use this blog as a way to vent, join my disjointed thoughts into something cohesive.  Most of these will sit in my drafts and never be published.  Yesterday I wrote one of those posts never intended to be published, today someone brought the discussion back to front of mind, and sure enough, what upset me yesterday, is still happening today, so I’m going to publish my thoughts from yesterday.

Advice to *some* adoptive parents, please stop with the me, me, what about me, regarding the title adoptive mom being used in news reports about the horrific tragedy that occurred in Florida. 

Now is not the time.

Children lost their lives.  Children lost their innocence.  Children who will forever live with the history of that day and the impact it will have on them.  Parents who would give anything to have their children back in their arms again.

Entire families lost a precious family member.

I was stunned to find out that within mere days of such a tragedy of the audacity of an adoptive mom to go on a public facebook page and whine because news reports referenced his mom as his adoptive mom.  And other adoptive moms agreed.  You are a mom who adopted your child which makes you are an adoptive mom, it’s a title you willingly chose.  A title that is also factual.  A title that may also be used in an article that doesn’t shine the best light on being adopted and you got your feelings hurt, when the reality is that it had nothing to do about you, or the title adoptive mom, it was, and is about a terrible tragedy that has happened.

Now is not the time for that.

Now is the time to grow up and prove you have what it takes to be an adoptive mom.  Your children are adopted.  Start a post to discuss ways to talk to them about the news story and that the alleged shooter was adopted.  Ways to reassure your children that being adopted doesn’t make them bad.  Ways to talk about how they may have comments made to them about it at school.  Talk about what to do if that happens and ways children should respond to such comments.  Talk about how often to check in with them to see if they are being bullied because they are adopted, and how to find out whether the bullying has increased since the shooting.

There are many things adoptive parents should be talking about post Florida.  Whether or not the news reports referenced his mom as his adoptive mom is not one of them.

Bullying: Helping Your Adopted Child Through the Tough Times




Posted by on February 18, 2018 in Adoption, adoptive parents


Tags: ,

12 responses to “Now is not the time

  1. Heather

    February 19, 2018 at 7:34 am

    Well stated as usual.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dannie

    February 20, 2018 at 4:35 pm

    well stated. I’ve never understood the need to feel like a kid has to be perfect when adopted, if not it’s the end all be all. Sometimes kids have issues, sometimes mental health takes over. Sometimes it’s no respector of biological or adopted….sometimes people make choices….sometimes they are horrific choices….sometimes it is what it is/was nothing more or less.

    I was very sad at the email my daugther’s school sent last week about how the shooter drill was going to go (with starter pistol sounds for effect) even though nothing traumatic like fake blood on kids or whatever was going to be in addition to it….just sad this was state of affairs now, then this happened. Just so sad.


    • TAO

      February 20, 2018 at 5:18 pm

      Oh my goodness – starter pistol? What the ever-loving…


      • Dannie

        February 20, 2018 at 9:33 pm

        yep, they said they weren’t going to point at students, but the starter pistols for track meets, yeah they were going to use those to get the drill started. Such a sad world to live in.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Heather

          February 21, 2018 at 12:56 am

          Wow. Who’s bright idea is that? Is that because children aren’t traumatized enough?!?

          Liked by 1 person

          • Dannie

            February 26, 2018 at 4:57 pm

            apparently now that’s the suggestion from homeland and it’s based on the new protocol to teach kids in case of real activive shooter attack, and talking with other moms in mom groups, their schools are doing similar things. I wish my kids were almost at the tail end of school life, but sadly we have many years of this before they finish high school, it really really tears my soul that this is the world they live in right now.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Heather

              February 27, 2018 at 1:45 am

              This breaks my heart. Children deserve better.


  3. Heather

    February 21, 2018 at 1:01 am

    I read all the comments on that FB post after reading your blog.

    It was nice to see most commenters had similar things to say as TAO did yet there were still too many ignorant and stereotypical responses.


    • TAO

      February 21, 2018 at 3:21 pm

      I’ve been thinking about not just that post, but society at large, and I’ve decided that if we could just all make a shift from thinking about “me” to “we” it would go a long way to making a difference. I know it’s a pipedream, but perhaps it could catch on?


      • Heather

        February 21, 2018 at 7:31 pm

        I firmly believe that we all do better when we care for (and care about) each other.


  4. L4R

    February 22, 2018 at 4:23 am

    I guess I looked at it a little differently. Why did the media mention that he is adopted? (Yes, I know that what was actually said was “adoptive mother,” but if there is an adoptive mother, there is an adoptee.

    It just plays into The Bad Seed adoptee narrative. Movie examples: Orphan. Problem Child. Real-life examples: Aileen Wuornos. Kenneth Bianchi. (Just to name a couple.)

    It’s mentioned almost as though it’s an explanation for the crimes.

    Should this discussion be louder than the discussions about those who have died in all of these horrific tragedies? Should it be louder than the discussions about school safety and gun control? Of course not.

    But, it just seems to me that each time adoptees are found to be the perpetrators of heinous crimes it sustains the adoptees as bad seeds narrative.


    • TAO

      February 22, 2018 at 4:40 am

      It does L4R for sure and the media needs to do a better job than it does in regards to nuance. But I also think that refusing to hide it brings it out of being something shameful that needs hidden. We are human, there will be good and bad amongst us, there will also be mental illness amongst us. I don’t know what the right way is but adoptive families are made up of people from the general pop so we aren’t immune to anything and people need to learn that.



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