Twitter thread

13 Feb


Before you dive in, read the definition of legal fiction that happens in adoption which is pertinent to the thread.

The question that sparked the thread is “one thing you refuse be open-minded about” and Jill answered adoption.  Her concern is being legally stripped from her biological family and that there is no way to dissolve and regain her biological family status as an adult.  It’s a conversation that happens from time to time.  Some want it because they want to remove everything adoption from their lives.  Others don’t want to remove everything adoption, they just don’t want it to be either/or, they want both which happens in a Simple Adoption but not in a Plenary Adoption.  The desire is to be legally recognised in their biological family line, whether for their own personal heart driven needs, or a legal requirement such as the opportunity to get dual citizenship that stems from their biological line.

Like everything adoption, it’s complicated.  While I would never want to dissolve my adoption, I talked recently about the sting of not being listed in my family of birth ancestral bio here.

Jill has the patience of a saint in the thread, she remains consistent, she doesn’t trash being adopted or adoption, she just doesn’t like the legal fiction that happens in adoption, and that it removes her status in her biological family and ancestral line.  She doesn’t even respond to the “You’ve really insisted that adoption as a whole is a bad thing.” or further down “But your situation is not the average adoption.” as if there is a cookie cutter adoptee we all must model our thoughts and feelings about being adopted on.  I think that is what gets me the most from conversations like this from the non-adopted; the stereotype of the typical adoptee that doesn’t exist in reality because we are all unique, our relationships, goals, dreams, hopes and feelings are ours alone.

The thread below requires you to scroll up and to read the start, having said that, there are replies from others that are missing but I couldn’t find a better way to link.

And of course, there’s always going to be the adoptee as a gold-digger motive assigned comment as well: “An adoptee shouldn’t be able to screw a family out of a large portion of their inheritance or something.”  Which is something that non-adopted often assume is why an adoptee searches, and in this context, is why the push-back on an adoptee having a legal mechanism to dissolve their adoption to regain their biological lineage.  And yet, I’ve never met an adoptee who had that motive for searching. I’ve met many who want to know things like why they needed adoption, does their mother ever think of them, would they want a relationship, are they like their family of birth, do they look like them, their ancestry, their family health history, the list is endless.  But back to the reactive  assumption of a gold-digger motive is one I’m sure crossed my siblings minds to start with because of bad timing, it may still be in some of their minds, who knows, and perhaps, it was my request to the searcher to ask if they’d share any pictures they had of our mother that sent them down that rabbit hole, as I doubt my wanting to warn them about a rare disease I’d been diagnosed with didn’t.

This is what adoptees deal with trying to explain a complicated subject to the non-adopted, it sucks.


Posted by on February 13, 2018 in Adoption


Tags: , , , , , ,

11 responses to “Twitter thread

  1. Lynne Miller

    February 13, 2018 at 5:45 pm

    I’m struck by the lack of awareness and sensitivity to adoptee issues. In the general population, there is still so much misinformation about why adoptees want to know their roots and be recognized by their families of origin. I remember calling a man who would have been my stepbrother had I grown up with my birth mom and my siblings. I explained I wanted to learn about my biological family. “What do you hope to get out of this?” he asked. He didn’t understand my need to know where I came from. Still, he knew my mother and was able to describe her in blunt words and even sent me several photos of her and my siblings. Not a bad guy at all, just uninformed.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      February 13, 2018 at 6:01 pm

      So many stories like the one you just told Lynne – I wish I had a way to make people get it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Cindy

    February 13, 2018 at 7:40 pm

    Need to shut up the narrative that “blood doesn’t make a family”! Then maybe more people would get it. After all, If that statement is true, then why do adoptees need any information at all?

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      February 13, 2018 at 7:46 pm

      I know Cindy, but how…


  3. Cindy

    February 13, 2018 at 8:43 pm

    Call them on it when someone makes that statement.

    Blood does make family. The other is a lie.

    It’s like that stupid saying of “anyone can be a father, it takes someone special to be a daddy”. I call bull on that one too. Can anyone find the lie/s in that saying?

    The “blood doesn’t make a family” sure makes it easy peasy for others to convince society that it’s ok to separate mommy and daddy and baby.


    • TAO

      February 13, 2018 at 10:01 pm

      I do.


      • Cindy

        February 13, 2018 at 10:45 pm

        The lie was saying that blood does *not* make family.

        There are many other families not related by blood and ALL types of families can be filled with and bound by love…or not.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. cb

    February 13, 2018 at 10:12 pm

    Sigh. That Travis sounds clueless.

    I will say that one of the problems when talking about “adoption” is that often everyone has a different idea in one’s head of what “adoption” actually is. APs, the general population etc tend to think of adoption as just a simple of case of taking a child into one’s family and that’s it. Adoptees, bmoms etc often have a more complex interpretation. As a result, I’ve taken to saying “our post-war Western form of adoption” to make it clear that the plenary forms of adoption practised in Western societies are far more damaging that the simple forms of adoption practised by other cultures. Unfortunately, the adoption industry is run by those who understand it least – it is hardy surprising it is so stuffed up.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Jill Daviau

      February 13, 2018 at 11:21 pm

      Not just clueless but mean. I don’t think he understood what I was saying at all but any attempts at clarification were met with defensiveness, condescension, and even f-bombs.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Jill Daviau

    February 13, 2018 at 10:52 pm

    When I saw the “Twitter thread” in my email notifications I wondered if this was about my thread. I appreciate the kind words – the discussion has really taken a toll (and almost two months later he’s still arguing with me).

    What struck me is that he genuinely doesn’t seem to understand what adoption does – he thinks a name change solves the legal severing of ancestral ties.

    He claims to have no ties to adoption, yet there is no way a casual bystander feels so strongly about the sanctity of adoption.

    I do take comfort that a random stranger called him out on his resistance, and that so many fellow adoptees supported me.


    • TAO

      February 13, 2018 at 11:12 pm

      We support you Jill. He does seem to have a connection to adoption to be sure. I hope one day people will understand that ancestral ties are terribly important to some of us, regardless if we have a good relationship with our family by adoption (or not). Take care.

      Liked by 2 people


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