Pity Party for one…

30 Nov

Thankful that Thanksgiving is done, now to just get through Christmas and New Years.  And yes, that all sounds like I’m nothing more than a Grinch singing Bah-Humbug. 

Perhaps I am, here’s why.

Holidays are the perfect time to take pictures of friends and families gathered together.  Sharing the pictures is one of the reasons why you take them.  So, picture after picture posted by family and friends showing them with their close and extended family have been crossing my newsfeed on FB ever since.

I both love it and hate it.

I love that they are happy, having good times that makes them laugh, hug, be together.  And I’m constantly reminded at each picture I look at how much they fit.  You can tell the ones related from the ones who married in at a glance.  When you’ve lived without that comfort of being one of a matched group, it can be hard, I also seem drawn to look for identicalness.

I have one picture of my aunts and me, (or should me be I?) the picture that tells you I’m related to them, and they are related to me.  I’m linked to them in a way I am to no one else.  They were me but in 10 years, 20 years from now.  Now ten years later, I mirror the picture of the aunt who is 10 years older, in another ten years, I’ll mirror the aunt in that picture who is 20 years older than me.  I don’t know how to describe how comforting it is to know I look like someone and ten years later that has alikeness has stayed the course.

The downside is that sometimes two things can be true.  That your family by birth, having never lived not being connected to their family, fails to see how little things can both sting you, and yet also be true at the same time in regards to you and them.  This meme was posted by one of my aunts.  It’s true.  It’s also true that when you weren’t raised within your family of birth, you’ve missed out on that lifetime connection that creates the bond.

Remembering the things we did together as kids,
puts a smile on my face and happiness in my heart.
As we grow up, even if we don’t see each other often or speak often,
Those memories always keep us in touch.

Adoption always includes loss – whether you acknowledge it or not, it’s there.

Tell me how your holidays were…

Be safe…



Posted by on November 30, 2017 in Adoption


Tags: , , , , , ,

20 responses to “Pity Party for one…

  1. shadowtheadoptee

    November 30, 2017 at 10:49 pm

    I know, exactly, what you mean, and how you feel. If that makes us a little Grinchy, well, I think that’s understandable. It doesn’t matter, whether I can see the pictures, or not. What makes me sad is knowing that I can never have those shared memories with my bio family. It’s something I can never get back. Hugs, to my fellow adoptee, who understand why it is ok to be sad about it.

    Liked by 2 people

    • TAO

      November 30, 2017 at 10:53 pm

      Ah Shadow – I’m so glad you are my friend and are still my friend so many years later. PS – hope you get rain for Christmas, if you don’t you can have one of our days of non-stop rain we get most winters. Came home from the dentist and crossing the bridge could hardly see my city, it was clouded in with misty rain.

      Liked by 2 people

      • shadowtheadoptee

        December 1, 2017 at 4:16 pm

        Friends always, even If I grow a little quiet, and distant. Besides wanting rain for Christmas, what I would really like:
        Everyone keeps telling me how much I look like my paternal grandmother. It’s the first thing everyone seems to notice. Even my sister, whom I, finally, met, in October, after all these years, well, one of the first things she said was, “Wow! You look just like my grandmother!” Well, I would, really, like for someone to send me a picture of her. I’ve asked, and asked, and they say they will, but never do. They get busy, I am sure, but i wish they understood, just, how important that is to me. I know, I can’t see it, but just having it would mean so much. You know? Being able to show it to people. That is what I, really, want for Christmas.
        I get tired of asking, and asking, but…sigh.
        So glad we are friends, and will always be. Don’t know what I would do without my adoptee family! Love you guys.

        Liked by 1 person

        • TAO

          December 1, 2017 at 4:56 pm

          I’d want it too. You could always email me a names and I can look on ancestry to see if there are any trees with pictures. Looking at pictures of you and your dad – there is no doubt you are father and child, so it’s quite likely you also look like your paternal grandmother.

          Liked by 2 people

  2. Dannie

    November 30, 2017 at 11:37 pm

    <3. My holidays have been happy. I have always scored high on the extrovert and Sanguin personality tests though whereas my mother is very high on the scale of introvertness and melancholy. So we both see holidays in different lights and lenses.

    I always go overboard with the kids but my daughter says she loves this time of year because we sleep by the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve and it's her favorite. I say even more than presents? She laughs and says yes that sleeping next to the lighted tree Christmas Eve is magical and what she looks forward to every year. My sentimental child. My son just turned 4 on thanksgiving and is a complete hot mess of happiness like his mother…..surprise surprise

    Liked by 2 people

    • TAO

      November 30, 2017 at 11:41 pm

      But…how can Santa deliver presents if you aren’t tucked in bed sleeping soundly…but it sounds really fun.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Dannie

        November 30, 2017 at 11:47 pm

        Lol. Let’s just say we neither promote nor deny santa 😁 He visits us at my aunts house Christmas Eve during the family gathering. And he helps distribute that one present to the kids

        Liked by 2 people

        • TAO

          November 30, 2017 at 11:53 pm

          Ah – that makes sense or it’s a good cover story. I don’t think I ever believed santa was real, but we also always left cookies so he’d fill our stockings and leave presents.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. pj

    December 1, 2017 at 2:21 am

    Tao, can so relate to this ! I have so many fond memories of the holidays growing up and love reminiscing with a dad…but Thanksgiving w-end I just had a(nother)meltdown. Sobbing and telling hubby, I just wanted someone who looked like me.And I was adopted with my brother ! , but we couldn’t look/be more different! He resembles b parents and me…not so much. I do resemble b grandmother, especially hair, and the aging wrinkle pattern which I love.How sad is that ! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      December 1, 2017 at 1:54 pm

      Big Hugs. Your article in the 30 days was great – drop a link if you see this comment.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Nara

    December 1, 2017 at 11:00 am

    We don’t have thanksgiving, so that’s easier for us!
    I do however agree that things get difficult / heated around holidays and significant dates. I’m only now beginning to realise there might be an adoption issue.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      December 1, 2017 at 1:53 pm

      Thanks Nara, being adopted seems to weave itself into many things, I think as we gain more life experiences it comes into a sharper focus – I don’t remember seeing it before. Hope little one is good.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Lara/Trace

    December 1, 2017 at 6:22 pm

    At home we call it un-thanksgiving or a day of mourning… as a kid I loved all things Christmas, now I don’t. I know what you mean, Tao, about looking like someone. The first picture of someone who looked like me was my b-father’s mother. I couldn’t take my eyes off her photo. It was life changing, despite she died young at age 49.


    • TAO

      December 1, 2017 at 9:07 pm

      Life changing – yes, you are so right. Thanks!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. L4R

    December 2, 2017 at 2:02 am

    My b-dad sent me a b-day card several years ago that made no sense. It listed a bunch of things about watching me grow up. He, of course, didn’t watch me grow up…. BUT, at the end of that commercially written card, he wrote in his own hand, “It’s what I would have said had I been there.” Then, it made sense


    • TAO

      December 2, 2017 at 4:48 am

      That’s beautiful – I hope you framed the card to keep it safe.


  7. cb

    December 3, 2017 at 10:59 am

    I do remember feeling a pang once on FB when some of my biological cousins were talking about spending Christmas Day on our grandmothers farm. The farm is no longer in the family and I never met my grandmother. In fact, I’ve never known any grandparents, adoptive or biological.

    In regards to cousins in general, I’m the oldest of my bcousins although five of my cousins are within 15 years of my age (the other 5 were born after my bmother died).

    My mum and dad were the 2nd youngest and youngest in their respecitive family so as a result, my adoptive cousins were all way older than me (at least 20 years) and are all in NZ so really we never really had cousin relationships growing up. Mum was quite close to her cousin and his 2 daughters were of a similar age and if we had stayed in NZ, we would no doubt have seen them more often.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Sheryl

    December 3, 2017 at 9:32 pm

    I lost my son to adoption in 1990. My story is similar to so many other women’s. I was raised in a religious home, got pregnant at 19 and was sent away to hide. I live in Ontario and had 21 days to change my mind. Which I did because I was dying without my baby. So I came home, made a plan with my boyfriend (baby’s father, now my husband) to get our baby back. My mother talked me out of it. And I don’t know why, but I let my son slip away. I’ve lived with gut wrenching regret ever since. In September my husband and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. We married a few after losing our first born and went on to have three more children. We have our first born son back, so we have two sons and two daughters. Nearly three years now. He is a full fledged member of our family. Since having him back I’ve spent countless hours looking at photos. Examining every inch of his face because for so long I didn’t know what my own child looked like. I also look for identicalness. The walls of our home are filled with pictures of our children. At one time my dining room table was covered with photos and I spent time every day looking for photos of the children at the same age that they looked most alike (my sons amom gave me all the digital photos she had, 100s of them). I grouped photos of my children in sets of four and had them professionally framed. I just had to see photos of my children together. When I couldn’t sleep at night which was often, I would get up and look at photos of my son. I took down any photos I had of just my three kept children because I couldn’t bare to look at them without their brother. I took down the one family photo that was up because I couldn’t bare to see the smile on my face without my first born son being in the photo. The most precious photo I have now was taken on my 45th birthday. My daughters hopped on the backs of my sons and I snapped a picture. The look of happiness on their faces is priceless. Each one of them cherish this photo, especially my first born. It is difficult for me to look at photos of my son with his adoptive family. Of my four children, he most closely resembles me. In some of his childhood photos he looks exactly like me when I was younger. So when I look at him in his adoptive family it doesn’t look right, he doesn’t fit in and he doesn’t belong. Because he looks so much like me, and I see myself and I don’t belong there. I don’t mean to hurt or offend anyone when I say that, but that’s what I see. It’s actually quite amazing how much my four children resemble each other. People comment on it all the time. I’m very grateful for that.


    • TAO

      December 3, 2017 at 10:18 pm

      Thank you for that Sheryl – when something/someone is missing – that’s when it is most obvious. Cheers.


      • Sheryl

        December 4, 2017 at 3:22 am

        Thank YOU for all you’ve written! You and others have helped me out of the fog and to understand adoption loss. If only I hadn’t been so fearful and broken years ago. My son’s adoption was so wrong and totally unnecessary….

        Liked by 1 person


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