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A What I’m thankful for, What I’m not thankful for related to adoption post…

22 Nov

I’m thankful for having parents who stood up and said no this is wrong when they saw it.  I’m not saying they were perfect, they were strong in what they believed in, strong in speaking their minds.  They taught us that it was good to stand up for what is right and push back when you saw something wrong.  I wish I was as strong as they were, I’m not, and I’m not thankful for that lack of strength, moral character, clarity that made them who they were, but I try to speak up when I see something I find egregious happening in adoption. 

I’m thankful mom and dad didn’t mince words, nor ply us with sayings common today about how our mothers loved us so much they wanted us to have a better life.  Nor try to paint any of our other parents as either saints or sinners, or that our mothers didn’t want their babies (us). They believed they wanted us but lived in a world that condemned them (and by extension us) for having sex outside of marriage.

I’m not thankful for the societal mores (see above) that caused me to be adopted.  I’m thankful though that I was adopted by them, and not some other couple.  I’m also thankful for people within the adoption community that don’t take offense at the first sentence of this paragraph because they are able to remove their role, feelings, bias, and just use logic that says no one would want society to dictate whether you got to stay with your mother or not.  I’m not thankful for those who would only hear second sentence of this paragraph instead of sitting with complexity of all that is part of being adopted, the good, the bad, the happy, the sad, the hard, the joy.

I’m thankful that my sibling (who has challenges) can call her mother every day like she used to with mom.  She wouldn’t have been able to do that if 45+ years ago mom and dad hadn’t pulled in favors, and then opened her adoption so she could visit, spend time with her mother, build memories across her lifetime.  She needed that connection then, needed it throughout the years, she really needs it now mom and dad are gone.

I’m not thankful that I never met my mother, never spoke to her, never heard her voice, never read a note from her.  I’m not thankful she had to endure, live through being pregnant with me, birthing me, walking out the hospital door without ever seeing me.  I’m thankful that she continued on, had children society allowed her to parent because she was married.

I’m thankful that the court unsealed my adoption records and original birth certificate for good cause.  I’m not thankful for what happened to me that led to the court granting mom’s petition to unseal.

I’m thankful for the online adoption community and all the friends I have made despite not being thankful I needed to be adopted in the first place.

Be safe.

 

 

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11 Comments

Posted by on November 22, 2017 in Adoption

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

11 responses to “A What I’m thankful for, What I’m not thankful for related to adoption post…

  1. Gregory Luce

    November 22, 2017 at 9:17 pm

    Thanks, TAO. I read a lot, probably too much, about adoption every day and I’m thankful I can come here and get the straight stuff, with the complexity.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • TAO

      November 22, 2017 at 10:30 pm

      Thanks Gregory – I’m thankful for your writing and your dogged determination regarding educating the public about and promoting OBC access. Have a good Thanksgiving.

      Like

       
  2. Momengineer

    November 22, 2017 at 10:54 pm

    I’m thankful for the adult adoptees that speak out about the problems of adoption. Your voices have helped me be a better adoptive Mom.

    Like

     
    • TAO

      November 22, 2017 at 10:56 pm

      Thanks Momengineer, I appreciate your support.

      Like

       
  3. maryleesdream

    November 23, 2017 at 1:09 am

    It’s good that you can feel thankful. I wish I shared those feelings.

    My adoptive parents were not perfect either. I was well fed and clothed. I was not abused.

    But I can’t find any thankful feelings. I’ve been much happier as an adult. Childhood was something I was happy to leave behind.

    My adoptive parents tried for many years to have their own. Adoption was a last resort. A-mom said she adopted because her friend did, so she thought she should too. I don’t think it was all she imagined it would be. She left me with her sister and her kids for the summer when I was 6. I was so sad and lost. I could not understand why I had to keep being given away. A-mom went to work and I was sent to a friends house after school, and away for every summer. Different adoptive family members, then finally summer camp.

    A-mom also liked to go out at night. She went to the local Bingo hall, and out with her boyfriend. I stayed home with A-dad. He did not touch me. He fell asleep. I was alone many nights, watching TV, until he put me to bed. We only had 1 bedroom, which I shared with A-mom. A-dad slept on the sofa in the living room. We never went on vacation. It was bleak.

    I am thankful that I left home at 19, and never, ever wanted to move back! I’m thankful I knew how to love my own children, by never doing what A-mom did. Never thankful to have met my adoptive parents at all.

    Like

     
    • TAO

      November 23, 2017 at 3:52 am

      I’m sorry MaryLee – why people who adopt need to get their own house in order before they adopt. Too many jump in first and it doesn’t bode well for the child and that’s not right.

      Like

       
  4. Heather

    November 23, 2017 at 4:27 am

    Beautiful writing TAO. I’m thankful for this community you’ve brought together. It makes me feel less alone.

    Like

     
    • TAO

      November 23, 2017 at 4:31 am

      Never alone Heather.

      Like

       
  5. pj

    November 23, 2017 at 11:38 am

    “Be Safe”…This is such a safe place for adoptees. I’m extremely grateful. Thank you, Tao.

    Like

     
    • TAO

      November 23, 2017 at 1:38 pm

      I’m thankful for you PJ.

      Like

       
  6. cb

    November 26, 2017 at 10:19 pm

    Beautifully said.

    “I’m not thankful that I never met my mother, never spoke to her, never heard her voice, never read a note from her.  I’m not thankful she had to endure, live through being pregnant with me, birthing me, walking out the hospital door without ever seeing me.  I’m thankful that she continued on, had children society allowed her to parent because she was married.”

    Having also found a grave, I can relate to what you said above although sadly my bmother never had another living child (she had stillborn twins). I always hoped that she would have been happily married with children and I was saddened to hear about her own difficulties.

    “I’m thankful mom and dad didn’t mince words, nor ply us with sayings common today about how our mothers loved us so much they wanted us to have a better life”

    Yes, I am thankful also for my mum and dad’s commonsense approach.

    “I wish I was as strong as they were, I’m not, and I’m not thankful for that lack of strength, moral character,”
    Well as far as I’m concerned, you have your own strength and moral character that shines through on this blog and also on every forum we’ve been on together. I am thankful that I’ve known you since the start of my online adoption journey 7 years ago.

    Like

     

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