Which role is in charge of the reunion, or does it matter?

23 Aug

Lori has a post up that is a letter written by a first mom re adoptive mom not doing well with the reunion.  Go read it and put in your 2 cents.

Birth Mom: Help Me Write Letter to Son’s Adoptive Mom

I commented already on Lori’s post under TAO.

If you will, come back and answer this question:

What is the protocol, etiquette, who should be the leader in an adoption reunion, answer below and why.






Posted by on August 23, 2017 in Adoption, adoptive parents


Tags: , , , , , , ,

6 responses to “Which role is in charge of the reunion, or does it matter?

  1. cb

    August 23, 2017 at 9:38 pm

    I answered over there. The bmom shouldn’t be doing anything behind the adoptee’s back. It is up to the adoptee to control the reunion.

    I have to admit also that I’m personally a bit “over” either the adoptee or the bmom having to justify/rationalise why they want a relationship with each other. I think it was a few years ago on non-FB general topic forum which had an adoption subforum where one particular HAP asked why we wanted to reunite with our bparents and every reason we gave (eg health, knowledge etc), she kept shooting us down and saying that we don’t need all that and in the end, I just went: “Look in the end, I just reunited because I d*mn well wanted to, I shouldn’t have to justify or rationalise my reasons).

    In Lori’s post, I more or less just said that if I had had parents who had had isssues with my reuniting (and they never have, they’ve always understood why), then I would just say “Look, my relationship with you is one that stands on its own merits and any other relationship I have also stands on its merits. Reuniting with my bfamily will not affect my relationship with you because they are all different relationships).

    Liked by 1 person

    • cb

      August 23, 2017 at 9:39 pm

      Just as an aside, I just wanted to say how nice it is to see Mei-Ling’s voice back online (I’ve seen her comment on here too).


  2. Heather

    August 24, 2017 at 8:07 am

    While the idea of a letter is beautiful, I know from personal experience that nothing I said, wrote or did was of any comfort to my son’s adoptive mother. The only thing that would have pleased her would have been for me to never exist so she could pretend A came from her body.

    Since the son in the post is an adult I would recommend that his mother be there for him and support him. I do not see anything good coming from Claire sending a letter. Her good intentions are not likely to be seen as such by an insecure and afraid amom.

    I really like what cb wrote about relationships in the first post.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Paige Adams Strickland

    August 24, 2017 at 12:07 pm

    IMHO, Adoptee1st, birth parent 2nd, if at all, adoptive family not at all, unless under truly rare circumstances, it was a kinship or very, very open adoption, (in which case there may be no need for reunion since all parties have always known one another).

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Tiffany

    August 25, 2017 at 5:51 pm

    I didn’t reply only because I feel very inadequately experienced to offer my two cents, and I don’t think it would be appropriate. As an AP, I do think that adoptee should be the one to lead because they are the ones caught in the middle and the only ones who truly had zero choice in the adoption decision. I would allow the son to decide how he wants to move forward.

    I will say that I wish I could tell his AP to chill out. It’s really terrible that she is putting this pressure on her son instead of supporting him in any way that he needs. I would like to tell her: Newflash for you- not sure how you raised a son to adulthood and haven’t discovered this yet, but PARENTING IS NOT ABOUT YOU. Get over yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      August 25, 2017 at 6:09 pm

      Always love your wisdom Tiffany.



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