Wondering if anyone is like me…

15 Mar

I’ve wanted to write about this for a long time.  I’ve danced around it, alluded to it, but haven’t been able to talk about it directly. 


Today’s the day I’m going to talk about it.

When I lose a beloved animal friend, I cry big heaving sobs.  I’ll cry off and on throughout the first day, cry a few times each day for a week or so, tear up in the weeks to come.

I don’t cry when people close to me die.  I’ll tear up, tears will roll down my face, but I don’t cry.  I’m not sure I’ve ever cried when someone has died other than my son, he was the exception.

I feel sad.  I miss them.  I mourn their passing.  I find myself wanting to tell them about something and realize they aren’t here anymore.  Yet, I don’t cry for them.

I don’t know if it’s being stoic, or because I know it is the cycle of life and everyone who was part of my life is still in my life, just in a different way, or because I cried too many tears when I was little and I’ve conditioned myself not to cry anymore because everyone leaves.

Do you cry?  Really cry when someone passes away?



Posted by on March 15, 2017 in Adoption


Tags: , ,

33 responses to “Wondering if anyone is like me…

  1. Luanne

    March 15, 2017 at 9:03 pm

    Not when my dad died. Hubby not when his parents died. But both of us did when our oldest cat died.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lara/Trace

    March 15, 2017 at 9:58 pm

    My a-dad died in 1985 and I did cry but felt more anger – not sad. Shortly after (days) my dog died and I could not stop crying. I mean hurting so bad, I could not stop sobbing. It lasted a long time. I still cry for dogs more than people. Weird? Maybe.


    • TAO

      March 15, 2017 at 10:04 pm

      At least it’s not just me…


    • beth62

      March 18, 2017 at 1:52 pm

      I wonder if it’s the relationship. Relationships with people are usually much more complicated than those with our pets. Me n my dog – pretty simple. Me and my loved one, not so much, so much more to consider. When my dog died I didn’t have many factors at play in my reaction to his death. When a loved one dies, it’s much more complicated.
      I didn’t expect but so much from my dog, didn’t expect people things from him.
      I expected less “people things” or love or whatever from friends that died than I did from my first husband.
      Sometimes it’s not so simple, and the more complicated, the more there is to think on, consider, the longer I consider my reaction to the death, or loss. I think, maybe.
      Mulling outloud 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Dannie

    March 15, 2017 at 10:39 pm

    I don’t think I’m the same as you per se but I do tend to really cry over life’s stresses and uncertainty more than people passing away. And to me that strikes me as odd


  4. ginny09

    March 16, 2017 at 12:20 am

    Considering all pets since childhood, recalling my relationship with each, I miss them all. More than some people.


    • TAO

      March 16, 2017 at 3:03 am

      🙂 special place in your heart


  5. Paige Adams Strickland

    March 16, 2017 at 2:05 am

    I will cry every time for a cat / dog / fish, etc. For humans: I’ve lost my 2 grandmas. That was devastating. I cried like a baby. I’ve lost 3 dads: my adoptive dad in 1996…I cried alone but had to be The Good Mom and The Good Wife and The Good Employee for everyone else. My FIL…I cried w my kids over the loss of their beloved Pa-pa. My birthfather…again alone but also w my birth sisters, but otherwise had to be cool and be The Good Wife, The Good Employee, and The Good Daughter to my adoptive mom. When I miscarried in 1987 I cried for 3 days. (at least it was the weekend). That was my first chance to have my own biological relative. You better believe that was rough. It wasn’t just hormones talking.
    Last April I lost a student. We found out about it during the school day. He was 19 and special needs. Every kid in our classroom was in tears. So were all the adults: teachers, aides, the counselor, the OT. It was a blessing to be all together with like minded people.
    That’s the thing…It’s is not easy to always have like minded peeps. When we don’t have that, it’s harder to let the emotions / cries out.


    • TAO

      March 16, 2017 at 3:04 am

      You make a good point Paige that I hadn’t considered. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. flrpwll

    March 16, 2017 at 8:42 am

    I cry when the death occurs, and at the funeral, but I seem to cope quite well with people death. Not quite as well with pet death. The one I have issue with is the death of a friendship – it’s only happened a couple of times, but it’s sent me spinning.


    • TAO

      March 16, 2017 at 2:18 pm

      Never considered the third in conjunction with the first two – will mull.


  7. Snarkurchin

    March 16, 2017 at 9:34 am

    I cry when a beloved animal or person dies, but for a long time, I couldn’t cry for people. I’m not sure I didn’t “learn how to” at a friend’s funeral. It was cold and I hadn’t worn enough layers. It started to rain. I wanted to hug my partner, but he was one of the pallbearers. I started bawling, and have had no problem crying for people ever since.


    • TAO

      March 16, 2017 at 2:19 pm

      Very interesting that it may be a learned behavior.


  8. Tia

    March 16, 2017 at 11:00 am

    When my dad died, it was an extremely deep loss, yet I did not cry during his active process of dying, funeral or immediate aftermath. I still cry over the loss of my springer spaniel and he died in 2006. I do cry over daily things more easily than I’d like to the point that it can be embarrassing professionally if I’m not careful, but not so much with the whoppers like the death of a dearly beloved parent. There is a “state” that I went into, though, that is tough to describe. It was like a very deep, tender trance where nothing much could touch me, but yet it wasn’t cold or harsh. I guess I thought this was the nature of bereavement.


    • TAO

      March 16, 2017 at 2:21 pm

      Yes, I like the “state” description – I wonder if it is more common and perhaps a defense mechanism to keep it personal. Thanks Tia


  9. beth62

    March 16, 2017 at 3:34 pm

    Sometimes I think I “turn the switch off” so I can function. Like a numb trance. I know it’s going to make my chest hurt, make me cry, and I know I have to keep moving instead of laying in a heap on the floor. I think I learned a lot of how to do that from being adopted/grieving lost family. I’ve had years where the switch was just off for everything lost, everyone, even lost pets.
    There are some people and events that I will never cry over.
    Sometimes my anger swallows up any tears.
    Sometimes it all built up and made me sick. I’ve gotten gastroparesis from the stress of it, twice. Not real sure if that was the cause, but the doctors liked that answer, blame it on the patient. Believe me, you don’t want your stomach to stop working.

    In my thirties I worked with a group of people from Russia. On purpose, they taught me how to really cry on purpose. I saw how they did it and I was so curious how they managed it. It was beautiful. Once I added booze, it wasn’t so hard lol. I loved it. There were several of us, no one was asked to suck it up. If one started crying the others cried with them. (it even happened at work sometimes, sober!) There were hugs and moans, writhing and cries out to god and the universe… long drunken hugs LOL and eventually comfort food. Maybe it was just the booze 😉

    Its exhausting to cry hard like that. I can do it without booze now. But I don’t like doing it for long, makes me sick, makes me worse. My Russian friends never did that after midnight, said the demons with evil cries came out after midnight. I got the reasoning behind that, btdt.

    Lately, I cry over everything, especially the good stuff! It’s so annoying, and I am shocked at it. I think I must be tired LOL It seems the good stuff, college grads, new awesome jobs, awards, new babies, families, homes, soldiers coming home. OMG I think all my peeps are trying to kill me with good things, they often make things super sappy to make me cry on purpose, what’s a mom to do? It’s hard not to think about all the hard and painful stuff endured that made this happy thing happen I guess. There is a relief and a chance to let the tuff stuff go now. We have a couple that will get advanced degrees this spring. I’m already crying. I mentally and physically sat on their heads for years making them do high school work – there was a lot of yelling LOL. I cry from remembering all that pain and worry, struggled daily to keep hope, it was really hard for us all. Add sheer happiness and huge pride in them – holy shit, I cry, I sob, I can’t function. And the “kids” love it.
    I’m still recovering from all the good and hard things that happened at christmas time. Still crying over my dog. I’d never seen some of our guys cry like they did over this dog, that really got to me. It’s exhausting, but I am trying hard not to turn that switch off now. I don’t have to be the tough one today, it’s been an old habit for me.

    You’re not alone ((TAO)) know that 🙂
    I think no one really knows when or how you are supposed to cry, just you. If it doesn’t feel right to you or if it’s making you sick, I hope you talk about it and study it even more.


    • TAO

      March 16, 2017 at 4:01 pm

      I don’t drink…perhaps that’s my problem. I don’t think something is wrong with me per se, I just didn’t know if I was the only…I don’t think I’m stuffing stuff down, just that my reaction is different, and perhaps because mom cried at the drop of a hat and I never have…who knows…


  10. Jill Daviau

    March 16, 2017 at 7:23 pm

    When my two cats died, I cried ugly, heaving, I-couldn’t-breathe tears. I thought I was going to die, I was so sad. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.

    Most if not all of the adoptees I know have a very special bond with animals and are pet owners. I have a theory that adoptees put all their love and feelings into their pets because they’re safe. Pets love unconditionally with no strings attached, they’re never going to leave you at the hospital as a newborn because what would the neighbours think, etc. So when pets die the adoptee has lost the outlet for their love, which normally might’ve gone to a human, except adoption has taught us that humans can’t be trusted. At least, this is how it was with my cats.


  11. licensedtoparent

    March 20, 2017 at 9:22 pm

    I find that I have a hard time letting my tears flow. I grieve deeply in losses, but sometimes I think if I cry I wont stop, so I wont really let go. I push it back. I feel I need to be the strong one. The only person I have ever felt I could be weak with is my husband. Yet, I still try not to cry in front of him, even though I know I can. Maybe I dont want to seem weak? I dont know. I dont handle loss well…but I try to appear ok.
    This applies to all things for me. Pets and people.


    • TAO

      March 20, 2017 at 10:17 pm

      I have always been the strong one, the one who ensures everything is okay.

      I’ve been heartened by all the responses, why did I assume what I did, why is grief only seen as grief if tears are involved…

      Liked by 3 people

  12. beth62

    March 21, 2017 at 12:20 pm

    Looking back… and around…
    Grief is often a great motivator to do weird stuff instead of crying LOL

    Liked by 1 person

    • Snarkurchin

      April 5, 2017 at 1:08 pm

      I cry when I grieve, but I also clean everything that comes within my reach (no matter how clean it already was) and sigh a lot.

      I don’t think there’s a wrong way to grieve, or even an obligation to grieve.


      • TAO

        April 5, 2017 at 1:45 pm

        Thanks Snark…after thinking about this for a while, it’s complicated and big and I default to stoicism and not showing emotion because that’s what I’ve always done…and that doesn’t begin to describe it either…but I’m not going to think there is something wrong, there isn’t, it’s just my way of dealing with what life has thrown my way.



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