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No, this article is not what to expect at a hospital with a newborn adoption…

31 Jan

Where to start…this isn’t a feel good post, this is an angry post – don’t click the ‘see more’ expecting anything different…

This article was posted on an adoption agency facebook page.  I commented a week ago asking whether they’d read it before they shared, and how much incorrect information was in it.  They haven’t responded, or removed the post, hence this post.

What to Expect at a Hospital With a Newborn Adoption

This post is wrong in so many ways and you should read it because I’ve only quoted a couple of spots but speak to many points.  It speaks as if the adoption is a done-deal and the new mother is just a bystander in the birth of your child.  Nor is anything child-centered about this article at any level.  It isn’t centered around the expectant mother, her needs, her emotions that come with considering adoption for the child she is giving birth to.  Nothing whatsoever about both the mother and baby needing time to say hello before the mother making the choice to parent or not.  And if her choice is still adoption, she can sign only after the minimum number of hours have elapsed determined by the state she gives birth in, before allowing her to surrender her parental rights.  Note it’s a minimum and she can take as long as she wants, she just can’t sign before.

Under the heading Jealousy my thoughts below

If you feel jealous of the mother holding your baby, caring for your baby then please remember that it is her child, not your child.

A twinge of envy seeing her with your child?  No, this is her child, not your child.

Under the heading of Pressure and Stress my thoughts below

It tells you to talk to the biological mother so you can come up with a plan that suits both your needs.  Seriously, what you want regarding her labor and delivery of her baby is irrelevant.  Her pregnancy, her delivery, her baby.  Repeat as often as necessary.  If you are there, you are a guest only.

Bring a camera especially if you’re having an open adoption?  So it’s not necessary for a closed adoption?  In this world of make-believe, I’m guessing it isn’t.  I’m sure the child will never wonder who they look like, what their mother looks like, if their mother ever held them.  If anything, the article should have said ‘especially if you’re having a closed adoption’ so in the future your child will have those precious photos.  But it isn’t a child-centric article, it’s wholly about people who want to adopt this baby at a later date but want to pretend it’s already a done deal and they are the only parents.

Under the heading Legal Aspects my thoughts below

Know your legal rights and obligations before you get to the hospital. Notify the hospital where the birth mother will deliver as soon as you receive that information. The doctors and nurses need to know that the birth mother has relinquished her parental rights to you, according to “Adoptive Families” magazine. Ask the hospital for a copy of their adoption policies, too. When you arrive at the hospital, ask for identification bracelets that match your baby’s.

You have no legal rights or obligations.  You are just a bystander.

Who gave you the right to tell the hospital about an expectant mother’s personal information or choices?  Did you suddenly become her guardian because of mental incompetency?  Because that would be the only time I could see someone having the right over another adult to tell their private details to the hospital.  It takes a whole lot of gumption to assume you have the right to call up the hospital and tell them about someone else’s private business.

And tell me, just when did the expectant mother relinquish her parental rights to her unborn child?  It is only legal to give pre-birth consent in three states and they all have a revocation period after birth.  All other states it happens post birth.  You have no parental rights – so why would you tell them you do?

Sure, you can ask for the hospital’s adoption policies, I guess, whether they give them to you is on them.

You don’t have the right to ask the hospital for identification bracelets that match your baby’s, unless you are giving birth to that baby, which you aren’t, or you wouldn’t be trying to adopt her baby.  The mother of the baby can ask for identification bracelets for you, she has that right, you don’t.

And just to clarify, hospitals don’t make laws, they have policies and rules designed to make sure the health and safety of their patients that also comply with any rules and regulations the state has put in place.

Under Additional Considerations

Ask for your baby’s birth certificate before you leave the hospital. The birth mother is almost always required to provide the information that will be on the birth certificate, so check it for accuracy before accepting your copy.

How would you know if her personal information is correct?  Do you even have this right?  I don’t think you have the right to fix anything on the original birth certificate of a child who wasn’t born to you.

 

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28 Comments

Posted by on January 31, 2017 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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28 responses to “No, this article is not what to expect at a hospital with a newborn adoption…

  1. shadowtheadoptee

    January 31, 2017 at 5:56 pm

    That article has to be the, absolute, lamest, most uninformed, ridiculous, thing I have red in years. I’m guessing , her research took all of about 5 minutes? Any perspective adoptive parents, who read that, take that advice, is in for a rude awakening.

    Liked by 2 people

     
    • TAO

      January 31, 2017 at 6:14 pm

      Yep, except there will be expectant moms who don’t know better.

      Liked by 1 person

       
  2. My Perfect Breakdown

    January 31, 2017 at 6:09 pm

    Wow, I just cannot even believe this article! We never had a single moment of jealousy and we shared a room with our birth mom for the first 24 hours of our son’s life. In fact, looking back, I know that 24 hours together was the best possible thing for all of us – she saw us with Baby MPB and we saw her with him. We all got to know each other very well (a hospital room is very small for 4 adults and 1 baby, you get close really quick!).
    And yes, her baby, her delivery her choices!! She asked us many times about what we wanted, and each time we said, whatever you want is what we want. Heck, she even offered to let us choose the induction date so we could pick his birthday, to which we always said, that’s your choice and we’ll be happy no matter what day he born. In the end, it worked out perfectly, even though much of her plan didn’t go right – for example, she asked for a separate room for baby and us, but the hospital wouldn’t allocate a separate room. So, in the moment she invited us to join in her room – and we all agreed that was best in the end. In the end, our fears and emotions about what that time together would look like are irrelevant, because I’m rather confident her fears and emotions were substantially worse then ours. As for the camera comment, don’t even get me started on that one. How ridiculous that a camera would only be necessary for an open adoption! In many ways I think a camera would be more meaningful in a closed adoption! But either way, there was no doubt that our son would have photos with ALL of us on the day he was born, and we proudly share them!! As for bracelets, the hospital the baby was born in was supposed to give me one at the request of the birth mother, but in the end they forgot and it didn’t matter because we were all together in 1 room!
    Oh and the birth certificate – well, you have NO rights to that document until the adoption is finalized. Again, our birth mom loved the name we wanted for Baby MPB, so she put it on his birth certificate. And much to our surprise she put our last name on the birth certificate too. She even asked my husband to read it before she submitted the info, but that was her choice!
    My gosh, this has me worked up!! Sorry for writing a blog post in your comment section! But, I guess, I feel like these things were never said to us, and I’m thankful they weren’t because it would have been so unfair to us, to the birth mom and mostly to our son!

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • TAO

      January 31, 2017 at 6:13 pm

      Write away MPB. Usually I can ignore these type of articles but when a well known agency posts it on FB – they gave it their stamp of approval. Misinformation is not acceptable. Thanks for commenting.

      Liked by 2 people

       
    • maryleesdream

      February 5, 2017 at 11:56 pm

      “our birth mom”. I don’t know why, but that phrase always rankles. I guess it reminds me of slavery, when you own a woman, and her reproductive capabilities. Whatever it is, it offends me, every time.

      Like

       
      • My Perfect Breakdown

        February 6, 2017 at 12:25 am

        I absolutely do not intend to offend and to use the term in a negative way. And absolutly not in a way that implies any sort of slavery or ownership over her and/or her reproductive capabilities and/or any other human being.
        For me specifically, I blog anonymously and I take great efforts to protect her identity to the world and maintain her privacy so using her real name simply isn’t an option.
        Additionally, I use the term “our” birth mom in the same way I use the term “our” family to describe anyone in my family, such as “my” dad, “my” mom, “my” husband etc. By no means do I own or even attempt to claim literal ownership of any of these people. I will also add that while she is my son’s birth mom specifically, my husband and I also see her as part of “our” family. Our son brought us all together and we see that as a good thing.

        Liked by 1 person

         
  3. pj

    January 31, 2017 at 7:25 pm

    So sad such misinformation is being perpetuated by someone with 2 ed degrees! Appears she writes books with biblical themes ( one about Moses) that teach child literacy. Moses’ story( however it is skewed ) is sometimes used to show how adoption is’ God’s work’…..sigh. And as an adoptee, with degrees in nutr and public health, I think she’s probably unqualified to teach those subjects too !!!!! (rant over 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

     
    • TAO

      January 31, 2017 at 7:29 pm

      🙂 you made me laugh – thanks pj

      Like

       
  4. Dannie

    January 31, 2017 at 9:43 pm

    ok the website is called “how to adult”?????? That right there told me everything I needed to know. People choose the path they feel is for them, but this is really one of the reasons I wanted to adopt from foster care and not do a domestic infant adoption. Something didn’t sit well with me….probably because I would be thinking, “take your baby home girl”. I know foster care has it’s own set of issues, I just felt families had more opportunities not to be separated yanno?

    Like

     
    • TAO

      January 31, 2017 at 10:10 pm

      Yeah I know what you mean Dannie…can you imagine though that a long-standing adoption agency posted this on their FB page? That crossed a line as they deliberately chose to post misinformation.

      Liked by 1 person

       
  5. maryleesdream

    February 1, 2017 at 2:09 am

    This article is a wet dream for some adoptive parents. The ones who should never be allowed to adopt

    Liked by 3 people

     
  6. beth62

    February 1, 2017 at 3:04 pm

    How to Adult ??? Obviously a work in progress. That is one of the most childish articles I’ve read in a while. And I’m talking about the author not the baby! Children shouldn’t be able to adopt babies! Or give but so much advice to adults about it in print LOL Someone is obviously gettin off on that piece to much to think clearly.
    I do hope most adults can see when something is writen by an inexperienced childlike mind. I have a house full of children with all sorts of college degrees trying “to adult” too. It’s really annoying! Seems she needs someone like me to call her on it too 🙂

    Jealous of parents? Soon enough, in this kind of situation, that same childish jealousy (anger, insecurity, disappointment, control…) as many of us know, will likely be put on the Adoptee.

    Liked by 1 person

     
  7. Nara

    February 1, 2017 at 3:39 pm

    What a load of bollocks. Incidentally, I was talking with my [adoptive] parents about adoption. Context of Trump and also having my own biological child, my first biological relative I’ll ever know.

    They could not believe it when I told them that some APs hang out in the hospital waiting for the baby to be born and even coerce the birth mother to give up the baby. Also that some APs don’t live in the birth country and just get the baby shipped to them. My parents met my birth mother and there was no (knowing) coercion and they didn’t get me until I was a few days old. That does make me feel a whole lot better about my adoption. I think some APs forget that the baby involved is an actual human with feelings and emotions and an inherent desire to know stuff about themselves – rather than a blank slate package to be sold to the highest bidder.

    Like

     
    • TAO

      February 1, 2017 at 3:59 pm

      Love bullocks… Your folks seem similar in how they view adoption to mine, mom and I had many talks about it over the years. I also can’t imagine dad being comfortable with prospective adoptive parents at the delivery or wanting to cut the cord -he had hard lines in the sand and doubt they changed any when he delivered babies.

      How are you doing?

      Like

       
  8. Nara

    February 1, 2017 at 3:42 pm

    Also, my parents are not jealous of my birth mother. I’m almost 40, for god’s sake. They’ve “had” me for pretty much my whole life. I even told them about the DNA testing the other day, and the services my birth country offers to try and find birth parents, and they didn’t bat an eyelid.

    Maybe they are jealous, but they’d never say anything to me. Because they know they have no right to. They are my parents. They brought me up. We are close, and we love each other. But we aren’t biologically related and we never will be, and no amount of pretending will make it so. And that’s okay.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Laksh

      February 5, 2017 at 5:05 pm

      Nara, I am an adoptive mother and this line from your comment resonates so much with me. I want to elaborate on it, can I ask you permission to quote it on my blog with credit to you?

      This is the line: “They are my parents. They brought me up. We are close, and we love each other. But we aren’t biologically related and we never will be, and no amount of pretending will make it so. And that’s okay.”

      Like

       
      • TAO

        February 5, 2017 at 5:15 pm

        Laksh – she just had a baby so it may take some time before she responds.

        Like

         
        • Laksh

          February 5, 2017 at 5:45 pm

          Is it OK if I linked back? I can take it down if she feels misrepresented. Let me know.

          Like

           
          • TAO

            February 5, 2017 at 5:51 pm

            I’m sure it will be fine to quote her, you’d never do that to mock her, you aren’t that way, and she didn’t say anything controversial, or wrong just her truth that is what many of us also experienced.

            Liked by 1 person

             
      • Nara

        February 5, 2017 at 11:51 pm

        Sure!

        Liked by 1 person

         
  9. Tiffany Button

    February 3, 2017 at 2:06 am

    I’m just going to fix a few little things for them…

    What to Expect at a Hospital With a Newborn Adoption

    Jealousy:

    It might be very hard for the mother (and father) to share this limited time with her baby before she moves ahead with the adoption process (if she does not change her mind). Give them the space that they need and be respectful of their desires. This is their time as a family. You get the rest of forever. If they change their minds, comfort yourself with the fact that this is about what is best for baby.

    Pressure and Stress:

    Be very conscious of your words and actions during this vulnerable time. It’s important not to make the parents feel that they owe their child to you as a result of any previous discussions, interactions, promises, or services you have paid for. This is a lifetime decision, and one that no human being can prepare for ahead of the fact.

    Understand the mother’s birth plan prior to birth so that you can understand your role: guest. Know that birth plans typically change, and be supportive of those changes. Practice the phrase “This is your birth and your choice” often so that you are able to whip it out at a moments notice should the mother ask you for your opinion.

    Bring a camera because those precious days of baby with mama and daddy should go into his or her baby book. But ask before you take any photos, and always make sure you share with the parents. If you want to do the hospital photo shoot, make sure to ask the mom if it is ok and if she would like half of the photos for herself.

    Legal Aspects:

    Understand your legal rights to the baby before the birth: you have none.

    Ask the mom if she wants the hospital to know that she is placing the baby with you for adoption. If she does, there will be a visit from the hospital social services staff. If you are present, be an advocate for the mom as she is at a very vulnerable time. Do not allow the staff to make her feel pressured. Remind yourself that this is about what is best for baby, and mom has a lot of hormones and emotions and pressures right now. She does not need any more from additional outsiders. Ask her how you can help, and offer to get her independent legal counsel if she is feeling unsure. You will not want to explain to your child someday in the future that you participated in coercing her parents into giving her to you.

    It may be hard, but doing the right thing is not always easy.

    Do not comment on the name on the birth certificate. You can change it later. If the parents insist that they want you to name the baby, find a way to include them.

    Request the mother to get a copy of the baby’s medical files, and if she is comfortable with it, to give it to you because you will have to take the baby to checkups in the next few days. Make an additional copy of any paperwork yourself and store it for the child to have when he or she is older. The other legal documents will be handled by the agency or lawyer.

    Additional Considerations:

    Be compassionate. Think of what you would want in the parents’ place. Prepare yourself for the fact that this will be the hardest experience of their lives, and you are participating in that. Constantly think of your actions in terms of justifying them to your child some day in the future, and start practicing being a good parent now by putting baby first.

    Give the parents time for goodbyes in private. Make sure they understand there is no pressure from you on how long they take.

    If you are in an open adoption, ask what contact they would like in the next few days- texts, pictures, emails, phone calls, visits? Let them know they can contact you if they want. Follow through on your agreements to the letter because you are establishing now what kind of open adoptive parent you will be- do every single thing you say you will, and then leave the door open to always do more if they wish.

    Consider staying away all together from the birth. Yes, that will hurt. But that hurt cannot compare to the pain of giving up a child for adoption. Think about allowing the parents that time, and although this is not the right choice for every situation, give it honest consideration before dismissing it for yours.

    If possible, allow for termination of parental rights paperwork to wait. There are legal papers that can be signed allowing you to take baby home without the parent’s rights being terminated. This is a very important decision, and the parents should make it with clear heads and time to think.

    Finally, think about if there is anything you can do to change the outcome. Is this family facing temporary hardships that are causing them to choose adoption? Are you able to help in any way? Adoptions are not always preventable, and sometimes, even when they are, there is nothing an outsider to the family can do to help the mother keep her child. But honestly determine before you proceed if you are being ethical in participating in this adoption.

    Understand that you will likely never witness something so sad and heartbreaking as a mother saying goodbye to her baby. As much as you want to be a parent, consider that someone who is already a mother is severing her connection to her baby in favor of yours being established. Be deserving of the responsibility you are accepting, and start off life with your child with no regrets on your part that you didn’t do everything in your own power to be compassionate and ethical.

    Liked by 2 people

     
    • Tiffany Button

      February 3, 2017 at 2:20 am

      I should have said on the name thing that you can “consider” changing it later, but you should also consider leaving the name they chose.

      Also, I do think there are some small things that are unique to each person’s situation. There are more I would add, but they would share too much about my daughter’s parents’ situation and reasons for adoption if I shared them.

      Also, my biggest regret is not putting one or both of the parents’ last names on the OBC as our daughter’s last name. It was so stupid, but we naively thought we wouldn’t have to change the BC if we just kept the same name. I didn’t realize we would have to change it no matter what. I still feel sick over that choice, years later. I replay it constantly and wish I could go back and change it. It is a huge regret for me, and one I do not relish explaining to my daughter someday.

      Like

       
      • TAO

        February 3, 2017 at 3:43 pm

        Thank you. I know the naming thing is so vastly different today than my era, and that bias is my own. Naming means you are worthy of being named and given your parents last name too. I’ll never know if my mother gave me a first and/or second name because as it commonly happened I was listed as Baby Girl, although mothers have said they did name their child only to have it stripped. But the surname was my mothers surname. I just think it’s gone way to far overboard – and recognise it’s different now. I like having it separate.

        Like

         
  10. belleinblue

    February 4, 2017 at 3:25 am

    You were far more polite than I could have been with my thoughts.

    Like

     
    • TAO

      February 4, 2017 at 4:11 am

      I tried really hard…

      Like

       

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