The E word

23 Sep

It seems bringing up the E word in adoption is wrong, silencing, makes some want to runaway as fast as possible.  I’d even say it’s close to a swear word to some in adoption. 

And, yes, I mean ethics.  And that makes me incredibly sad, disheartened and downright disgusted that something so life-altering on every side as adoption is treated so cavalierly.

It’s sad that there are people who value getting what they want higher than doing it the right for all parties in adoption.

It’s disheartening that adoption is not seen as a deeply sacred exchange that comes with moral obligations that just aren’t optional.

It’s disgusting that there are some who can’t see why acting ethically is so vitally important when we’re talking about the adoption process.  Why it matters so much to do everything within your power to act ethically, educate yourself, question everything that sounds off, hire people who hold the same high moral values you do about fairness, rights, ethical practices for every party to adoption; the adopting parent (or parents), the expecting parents (as in both mother and father), and for the child.

Ask any adoptee, doesn’t matter where they stand on the spectrum of feelings about adoption, whether they would be upset, disturbed, saddened, even angry if they found out their parents acted wrongly, dishonorably when they were adopted.  That their other set of parents were treated improperly, or worse.

Ask them…

If your goals in adopting don’t include being able to look your child in the eye and tell them you did everything possible to make sure their adoption was clean, honorably done, fair, please do some deep soul-searching before you adopt, or decide to adopt.  And that includes not asking your friends, families, blog and FB followers to pray that the mother who changed her mind and wants to parent – to realize you and your husband are the true parents of her child and to sign the papers, not to mention camping out at the hospital just in case.  (Yes, a couple did just that, recently, completely shameless and reeked of entitlement, not ethics.)

What is important to you about adoption and the process?  What scenario would cross your line in the sand?  Discuss in the comments, dig deep…and stay civil, note your position in adoption.



Posted by on September 23, 2016 in Adoption, adoptive parents


Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

13 responses to “The E word

  1. maryleesdream

    September 23, 2016 at 9:51 pm

    In my day, back in 1962, I don’t think ethics were considered at all. It was, here’s a baby no one wants, no strings attached. You are married and can’t have a baby, so take this one, or if you don’t want this one, we’ll offer you another in a few months. All no questions asked, very little background information about the parents, and certainly, no contact, ever.

    I don’t know how anyone can look us in the eye, and sometimes, they don’t.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Snarkurchin

    September 24, 2016 at 9:20 am

    I was adopted “ethically” for the time (BSE): relinquished, then kept briefly in a foster home while the state found a match for me (educational levels, income, etc. as close to my first family’s as possible).

    The unethical part? There was no need for any of it to have happened. My first family could easily have kept me had the “ethics” of the time not demanded that some single mothers be punished all their lives for keeping their babies.

    That, and sealed records.

    Liked by 2 people

    • TAO

      September 24, 2016 at 2:06 pm

      Many similarities with my story, including using the option of relinquishment to the state via the county that people today don’t realize was a common method back then vs the maternity home route. I’m forever thankful that both my mother didn’t go to a maternity home, that my parents were asked if they’d adopt me as they weren’t looking to adopt.


      • Snarkurchin

        September 24, 2016 at 2:18 pm

        My mother was sent to a home across state lines. I’m not sure she ever got over it (why should she have)?


        • TAO

          September 24, 2016 at 2:41 pm

          I’m so sorry, losing your baby is damaging enough, being sent to one of those shaming horrors…


      • TAO

        September 25, 2016 at 4:47 pm

        Just thought I’d add a bit more – many of us adoptees struggle with the societal mores of our era that required unwed white middle class woman to adopt us out…it’s a normal struggle that isn’t complicated by our parents (either side) actions during the time. I personally think that would be devastating, would forever taint my view of good memories. There’s a mile-wide difference between anger at a system, a societal attitude vs. the feelings that would be deeply personal based on actions our parents took if they acted wrongly. Hopefully that makes sense.


  3. Denelle Beauchaine

    September 24, 2016 at 5:55 pm

    My kids’ adopters claim that if they hadn’t “stepped up”, my kids would have grown up in foster homes, being bounced around.

    The truth is that they started telling CPS that they wanted to adopt as soon as the kids were first put in foster care, and as a low- income single mother, I couldn’t compete against a married couple who worked for Disney and had bedrooms in their home waiting for my kids. They didn’t care what losing their mother would do to my kids.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. licensedtoparent

    September 25, 2016 at 1:51 pm

    As a mom who has adopted, I cannot imagine the idea of coerced or pressured adoption.
    That said, when my niece was born, her mom had initially made an adoption plan, and told our family only 3 weeks prior to the birth. We weren’t on board with it, and spoke with her about us raising her. I went to the hospital as soon as she was born, and found intended parents lavishing gifts on her mother and even her grandmother. This is unethical, and a way to guilt her into following thru.
    I’ve been a surrogate (gestational), and while it IS different than placing a child for adoption, I did carry a child and place her in her mother’s arms. I have some insight. We all acted appropriately for the situation.
    In my adoptions, one is very very open, and one I am not able to maintain an open relationship due to safety concerns and threats. I adopted thru foster care.


    • TAO

      September 25, 2016 at 2:17 pm

      One of the reasons why being at the hospital prior to papers being signed is problematic. Thanks LP.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Cindy

    September 25, 2016 at 5:23 pm

    Any adoption where the mother loves and wants to raise the child but is pressured, coerced, forced by abandonment (by family and father and social services) / lack of support and resources, –or– convinced /browbeaten that she’s not ‘ready’ to be a mother and others would do a “better job”, is an unethical adoption. Once a child is conceived, carried and born, a mother is a mother and will never again not be a mother. If it is not a *freewill* surrender, it’s unethical.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. gsmwc02

    September 26, 2016 at 7:19 pm

    Ultimately my wife and I decided not to pursue adopting for reasons that I won’t get into. But for me one of the things that was difficult to process was having that conversation with a child as to their adoption story. It always broke my heart to even think about the potential pain they may have experienced and feeling helpless to help them. It was one thing I wasn’t sure if I could do.

    I do agree with the idea that some people rush to adopting when they haven’t processed what raising an adopted child means. At the end of the day no one wins. I wish these things didn’t happen and people didn’t get hurt.



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