A picture of squirrel was in my FB feed today. It made me smile. So what does a picture of a squirrel have to do with adoption?
That picture reminded me how easy it is to be distracted everywhere you look on-line. I can’t imagine what it would be like coming into adoption as a newbie, especially a newbie hurting or in very tough spot. You’ll face buzzwords, clever memes meant to sway you to one side or the other without anything to back up their validity. Headlines designed for click-bait with more buzzwords – did you stop by here because of the title? I would have, squirrels are cute.
For any adult going into adoption…
You need to do your own research in adoption, from the oh-so-hard-to-read stories to the oh-my-word-could-it-be-any-more-beautiful story to find the truth, listen to many voices to find the common threads running through all the stories. Know the common threads, they’re what’s important, may be important to your adoption. Take the time to learn first rather than regret later.
Know the laws, not just what the professional says. Things like the “birthmother” signs 48 hours after birth doesn’t mean she must sign then, just that she can sign then if she wants to. Understand them, question them. Always look deeper than the one-liners.
Know what is ethical, what isn’t. Your morals matter. Ask others that are farther out – what they wished they’d known before they adopted or placed. What they regret, what they’d do differently with hindsight to guide them. Hear them. Don’t dismiss it as it couldn’t happen to you. It can.
And you and your child will have to live with the choices you make. If you wouldn’t want someone to do that to your child, sister or brother, don’t do it. Choices your child will live with their entire life – make them wisely, there aren’t any do-overs in adoption for the child.
I can say my adoption was done right – that’s what matters.
The adopted ones blog 
ginny09
September 4, 2016 at 9:52 pm
Consider neuroscience research, such as from Dr. Allen Schoen on Attachment Theory. When an infant is taken away from its bio-caregiver between birth and age 3, the neurons on the right side of the brain assigned to intimate bonding and trust, do not mature-connect. The child will attach itself to any caregiver that feeds it..but frames all relationship in survival not human intimate bonding. This is why adoptees at any age, are over represented in mental health facilities and psychiatric services, in the US.
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TAO
September 4, 2016 at 10:02 pm
Ginny – that comment has no relevance to the post. Please do better.
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iwishiwasadopted
September 4, 2016 at 11:03 pm
I know that i could never really attach to my adoptive family, but I have wonderful, loving relationships with my husband and children.
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Paige Adams Strickland
September 5, 2016 at 3:07 am
I agree! All points of view matter and should be studied by all parties involved. P.
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Tiffany
September 5, 2016 at 7:19 am
This is all so very critical! I hope potential adoptive parents see this post. I absolutely have a couple of wish-I-could-do-overs because it’s hard to know everything going into adoption if you don’t spend a ton of time researching every single aspect of it. I agree with you so much that’s it’s so important to seek out the good and the bad.
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TAO
September 5, 2016 at 1:56 pm
Thanks Tiffany…
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Nara
September 5, 2016 at 11:26 am
I’d add to that – even for adult adoptees dipping their toes in the waters of reading more about adoption, it can be a really overwhelming place. It’s taken a while for me as an adult to get to grips with the various adoption tribes out there. Even now I’m not entirely sure what I feel!
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TAO
September 5, 2016 at 1:55 pm
Yes…especially when both a persons personal feelings about their adoption vs the practice of adoption…it all gets overwhelming. I think the underlying threads found in other stories seem to be fairly consistent though – like you as a POC have underlying threads woven in to your adoption that I don’t have – but other POC will have – if that makes sense…
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Nara
September 5, 2016 at 2:37 pm
Yes absolutely. I think it’s interesting how there seems to be a trajectory of understanding / processing as well… Not necessarily all occurring at the same age, but linked to life stages (my theory!). For example I see a lot of younger adoptees who are still into a mainly [white] adoptive parent narrative – “rainbows and unicorns”, White saviorism, charity, “would have been aborted” etc. Then I think there comes a time of questioning it, perhaps in your late teens or twenties… And then it gets replaced by the Adoptee Voice / flip the script later on. That does seem to be a very common theme. And I was probably slower to process it than many.
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TAO
September 5, 2016 at 2:40 pm
Each their own speed…I did starts and stops but I was older than you are now, before I saw anything outside of my adoption…
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TAO
September 5, 2016 at 11:26 pm
Not about this post or your comments here – but you rocked today …adopted…that’s my answer.
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Nara
September 5, 2016 at 11:36 pm
Ah thanks, that means a lot coming from you. I got so mad about it! Then remembered where I was. (Adoptee… Know thy place!)
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TAO
September 6, 2016 at 12:05 am
You held your ground, I came in too late to be any use…I read but seldom comment being a SRA (and old)…
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iwishiwasadopted
September 5, 2016 at 7:51 pm
I never spoke of my adoption as a child. It was a family secret, and we didn’t discuss it at all. I never even told my best friends.
I started telling in my teens, usually after a few drinks, and my friends would say being adopted is the same thing as not being adopted, because my adopted mom was my real mother.
I knew that wasn’t quite true, but there was no one to talk to about it, so I didn’t. I had no idea that there were other adopted people out there who did not like being adopted.
It’s only since I found my family, at age 48 that I was able to question what happened to me. The internet is my only connection to other adopted people.
As a child, I didn’t think I was allowed to feel anything, so I didn’t. I used to think that it was better that this happened to me, instead of another kid, a good kid.
Sometimes I used to cry for a little girl who was left alone, and couldn’t understand why, but the little girl in my mind wasn’t me. Strange thinking, but I guess the mind does what it can to survive the pain.
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TAO
September 5, 2016 at 8:15 pm
Yes, our mind protects itself…
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Paige Adams Strickland
September 5, 2016 at 8:36 pm
I can relate, I hated being adopted and kept it a huge secret too. Hugs…
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MKW
September 6, 2016 at 12:30 am
I only wish it could have been kept secret. My parents shouted it from the rooftops and encouraged us to do the same. It never seemed to occur to them that we might be treated differently, that we might get awkward or ugly questions, or that it was simply none of anybody else’s business. The info should have been given out on a need-to-know basis only.
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