I’ve done lots of thinking during the last few months. Mostly about family, the good, the bad, and sometimes – downright ugly. Funny thing happened just now when I typed that last sentence, I imagined some readers making assumptions about what I meant just then, what ‘type’ of adoptee I am, having just written that.
Although I used the term assumption above, we (everyone in adoption) know it’s true from years of having it proven true. True because of the desperation so many adopting parents have that needs adoption to be wonderful, always.
Nothing is wonderful, always, life always has good and bad components to it.
Getting back to the thinking part of my recent journey. Not just the good, warm memories hit me, bad memories too. Hard deeply emotional personal memories, some I didn’t want to remember, ever.
Good with the bad.
This post is for those who need adoption to be wonderful, always…
You can genuinely be part of your family, love life, just be, and also, mourn deeply for the life you would have had, should have had, all the losses not having that life entails. Too me, it’s a dichotomy. You can love and hate something at the same time.
If you can’t accept that, do some souls-searching on your experiences, pretty sure you’ll find something that makes the penny drop on what I’m talking about. Maybe it will help you understand what it’s like to live this life, being adopted.
The push and pull…
The adopted ones blog 
Paige Adams Strickland
July 18, 2016 at 4:32 pm
Yes! The push-pull is always there, even under the “best” of circumstances.
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Lara/Trace
July 18, 2016 at 5:40 pm
You make me think and rethink reunion (pullback). It was more push and pull than I was prepared for…and I’m nowhere near getting in touch with my first mother’s daughters. I have had enough.
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TAO
July 18, 2016 at 5:44 pm
Everything has so many emotional layers / double everything it seems. Sometimes it’s just too much and you end up frozen and unable to do anything… Hugs
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Lori Lavender Luz
July 18, 2016 at 10:35 pm
There are so many layers of complexity. I appreciate how you explore them here and make me think.
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Heather
July 19, 2016 at 4:44 am
Well said
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beth62
July 19, 2016 at 2:10 pm
The push/pull seasons…
I freeze, I thaw, I sit in the sun, I sit in the storms, I’m bright, I’m cloudy…
I am half frozen lately, and it’s July and 99 degrees outside
I agree, sometimes it is just too much, time to set it aside for a season.
Will go dive deep where it’s nice and quiet and cool today 🙂
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cb
July 25, 2016 at 10:42 pm
“You can genuinely be part of your family, love life, just be, and also, mourn deeply for the life you would have had, should have had, all the losses not having that life entails. Too me, it’s a dichotomy. You can love and hate something at the same time.”
That is very true. Unfortunately, people can often only see the black and white especially when it comes to adoption. They also often seem to interpret things differently than if it was another life experienced being discussed.
For example, we have all read and heard stories by people in general of how happy they are with their lives right now and that they don’t regret any of their life experiences because those experiences have gotten them to where they are now. Most of the time, we acknowledge that some of those life experiences weren’t great things in themselves but that the person has made the best of a situation.
When adoptees do the same thing, suddenly that particular life experience (adoption) gets seen by everyone as the reason why their life is so great rather than one of many life experiences that has gotten them to that point.
One thing I do try to avoid myself is the “comparative narrative”, i.e. saying “I’m glad I was adopted because otherwise the alternative would have been XYZ”. I have to admit that I do think it weird that some APs love those types of comparative narratives. Personally, if I were an AP, I wouldn’t want my child to consider me to be the “better of two choices” and in fact, being compared to a worse alternative isn’t exactly a compliment a lot of the time.
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Heather
July 26, 2016 at 7:47 am
Very well said. Thank you.
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Judy
April 14, 2017 at 4:27 pm
This is so helpful to learn about the feelings an adoptee goes through. I’m an adoptive parent and my daughter is going through many emotions right now….especially the push-pull. I first didn’t understand what was the cause of this behavior. Through therapy and the internet, I’ve learned so much….
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TAO
April 14, 2017 at 4:28 pm
Thanks Judy…it’s a hard place to be.
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