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One question poll – adoptees only

01 Jul

This poll is for adoptees only…

It’s about being a people pleaser, i.e., putting your feelings and needs at the back of the line of other family members feelings or insecurities (both families if you are in contact).  Their feelings trump my feelings (for lack of a better way to put it).

For me, I think it’s part of being adopted, fear of rejection, and the complicated, complex feelings of being adopted, and the need to protect everyone else’s feelings ahead of your own.  And, I’m wondering how widespread being a people pleaser is among adoptee’s, especially as it relates to your families, growing up, and whether, that interfered with or delayed your own processing about being adopted.

I expect a variety of answers to the question, and if your answer doesn’t fit one of the three, please write it in other. Please only chose one answer and then add a comment if more info is needed.  There is no wrong answer.  Also, feel free to expand in the comments if you are willing, and how (if at all), you see it being part of being adopted.

 

Again, there are no wrong answers…

I’d be happy to be proven wrong…

Or proven wrong for the current generation…

Thanks

Update 7/2/2016: Do read the comments that are attached within the survey box (you find them inside the “View Results” button. I’d also like to note there is One (1) extra vote in the statement: “I was a people pleaser growing up, but have learned my feeling are just as valid as other family members.” Thanks to all who took the time, hoping others weigh in too.

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23 Comments

Posted by on July 1, 2016 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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23 responses to “One question poll – adoptees only

  1. cb

    July 1, 2016 at 10:10 pm

    I answered both 1) and 2) because I am definitely still a people pleaser when it comes to putting other family members (in both) feelings before my own but in the last few years I do feel my feelings are just as valid as others. Perhaps it is a case of “in theory”, I do feel my feelings are just as valid but “in practice”, I find that I still can’t really express that or show that.

    I suppose therefore I am someone who does personally feel that their feelings are just as valid as others but is also unable to stop putting other family members feelings towards my own.

    Don’t know if any of that made sense lol.

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  2. cb

    July 1, 2016 at 10:14 pm

    My comment didn’t seem to come through? I won’t answer the whole lot again but just say that I answered 1) and 2) because I “have learned my feeling are just as valid as other family members” BUT I still am ” a people pleaser who always puts other family members feelings ahead of my own.”.

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  3. TAO

    July 1, 2016 at 10:30 pm

    Testing comments as told it isn’t working…

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  4. cb

    July 1, 2016 at 11:08 pm

    I responded to both 1) and 2) so I’m afraid I’ve skewed your poll. Sorry!!

    Anyway I better explain myself:
    “I answered 1) and 2) because I “have learned my feeling are just as valid as other family members” BUT I still am ” a people pleaser who always puts other family members feelings ahead of my own.”.

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  5. TAO

    July 1, 2016 at 11:18 pm

    From CB: “I responded to both 1) and 2) so I’m afraid I’ve skewed your poll. Sorry!!

    Anyway I better explain myself:
    “I answered 1) and 2) because I “have learned my feeling are just as valid as other family members” BUT I still am ” a people pleaser who always puts other family members feelings ahead of my own.”.”

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    • c

      July 2, 2016 at 1:43 am

      Thanks TAO, I reentered my email and it seems to be working now.

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  6. L4R

    July 2, 2016 at 2:14 pm

    With regard to my family, I’ve never been a people pleaser. I don’t fit that adoptee stereotype…. But, based on anecdotal evidence, I would say that you, Tao, are in good company. And, so far, your poll bears that out.

    It would have been interesting to see if there were any differences along gender lines, too.

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    • TAO

      July 2, 2016 at 2:19 pm

      L4R – I knew not all would be – perhaps a specific personality type plays into it. Who knows… Yes, gender would have been good to include – perhaps next time I do one of these. I am also curious as to era differences – although the fundamental trigger would be the same.

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  7. Nara

    July 3, 2016 at 4:05 pm

    I was definitely a people pleaser for a really long time. But I’ve also never been able to stop myself speaking up. So I’m sort of conflicted. I feel like maybe it’s an oldest child (as well as being adopted) thing. We are always meant to be the dependable ones. I felt I had to be strong and not say when I was hurting because otherwise it would somehow invalidate my adoption, and I needed it to be a success and to be worthwhile and “just as good” as the bios.

    It carried into my adult relationships and it’s only now, in my current relationship, where I’ve felt able to be myself. It’s an amazingly liberating feeling. I used to get panic attacks about pleasing my ex – I picked someone who was quite difficult to please and emotionally distant and I made it my life goal to please him, but it almost killed me. To be able just to be myself finally is amazing.

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    • TAO

      July 3, 2016 at 4:25 pm

      Thank you for explaining so well Nara. I’m sure parts are “birth” order, personality driven, and the unspoken desire to show adoption as successful / equal to bio. Did you mean within your family because you had both or to the world or to both?

      It is amazing to just be yourself- I never managed it within family very well – but I am seeing progress.

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      • Nara

        July 3, 2016 at 4:35 pm

        I’m sorry you never got to feel able to be yourself. I still have to pinch myself and think how lucky I am that I met T. I also think the fact that he was also adopted as a baby has helped… I’m not saying adoptees should only be with adoptees, but there is a lot that I feel I don’t necessarily have to explain (neediness! Security) and equally the ability to be able to talk about adoption with someone who understands (though he was same race adoption) I think is also really liberating. Also he is just a nice person, which probably is the main thing!

        In terms of within family or to the world – I think I was always kind of the poster child for adoption to the world. Within the family it’s a bit more complex. I’ve written about feeling lesser than my brother (bio) and also he’s by birthright the oldest child and male so we probably were always going to clash a bit. My parents always said that it made no difference but as I got older I wondered how that could be the case. I think they do love us the same amount, but differently. But that if you’re adopted it’s much easier for people to blame stuff on adoption. I think naturally I’m just a more difficult person than my brother. I’m a non submissive female who works in a male dominated environment so I guess I’d always stick out a bit. But in relationships I’ve always been (prior to this one) someone who tried to make myself into the person I thought they wanted me to be, if that makes sense.

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        • TAO

          July 4, 2016 at 3:25 am

          Thank you, and are you doing okay?

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          • Nara

            July 5, 2016 at 8:34 am

            I am pretty good thanks! Still have a bit of anxiety about the current situation… But I guess time will tell. Sometimes it’s hard just waiting and not being able to influence outcomes!

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  8. anenomekym

    July 4, 2016 at 6:03 pm

    I can’t find the survey. Is there a link somewhere?

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    • TAO

      July 4, 2016 at 7:30 pm

      anenomekym – it’s the box in the post. There is only one question with 3 different answers, and non of those answer fit you, you can write in the Other your answer. 🙂

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      • anenomekym

        July 5, 2016 at 3:48 pm

        Thanks, I still couldn’t see that mysterious box on my browser. So, I switched browsers, and presto.

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        • TAO

          July 5, 2016 at 3:49 pm

          Yay! Never thought of the brower…

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  9. machtsnicht

    July 6, 2016 at 12:22 am

    i’m probably more of a people pleaser than i would like to admit. it is a lot of work to reprogram oneself. and suddenly you’re an adult and it’s too late. you should have brought up your needs as a child, now as an adult everyone just wants to get along and enjoy each other, why bring the drama? always my needs are “drama” but others needs are not.

    i’m 47 and i made a concerted effort to stop being a people pleaser at age 40. you can read more at my blog, dustbinblog.com which is an adoption blog, too. i go by kaisa.

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    • TAO

      July 6, 2016 at 3:09 am

      Welcome Kaisa, I will make a point of stopping by. I’m a morning reader…

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    • anenomekym

      July 6, 2016 at 10:25 pm

      Hi Kaisa,
      I just tried visiting your blog, but it says that it’s been expired 😦 I hope to be able to visit it soon too. It sounds interesting.

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • Kaisa

        July 7, 2016 at 5:37 pm

        Hi anenomekym, that’s strange, i haven’t had any problems, and i had a friend across town try it too and she hasn’t had any problems… try again? i hope it works out and you can access it,

        Tao thanks for the welcome, i enjoy your blog.

        my blog is pretty heavy right now as i’m going through a situation and have been blogging it out. it’s not always so focused and detailed on one issue but i do write about things very personally. please feel welcome to comment or just read, thanks for both of your interest.

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        • TAO

          July 7, 2016 at 7:35 pm

          anenomekym – try a different browser – edge gets the domain expired page, chrome shows the blog on my computer…

          Like

           

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