If you are doing an infant domestic adoption…

14 Jun

You are not adopting an ‘orphan’…

It’s impossible to be an orphan before you are born…

It’s impossible to be an orphan when you are delivered by a living mother…

It’s impossible to be an orphan when your living mother and/or father sign legal documents that revoke their parental rights so that the baby can be adopted by you, the new parents that the living parents chose for their baby.

It’s a logical fail any way you look at it…

It’s also just not true, just own it that you want to adopt a baby instead of making it into a ‘save an orphan’, an ‘orphan’ that has dozens of waiting prospective adoptive parents that would be willing to adopt that very baby.  That baby that also came into this world comes with living parents, which is the very definition of ‘not an orphan’.  That the baby is not an ‘orphan’ and never was.

That is all…



Posted by on June 14, 2016 in Adoption, adoptive parents


Tags: , , , , ,

22 responses to “If you are doing an infant domestic adoption…

  1. Lara/Trace

    June 14, 2016 at 2:58 pm

    It’s so convenient to use that word to justify domestic and international adoption – which is why its so clever they use it…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My Perfect Breakdown

    June 14, 2016 at 3:01 pm

    I’m thinking back to our time in the adoption community and not once have I heard someone choosing infant open domestic (or USA international as was our case) refer to themselves as adopting an orphan. I guess it’s not the common language I hear in my part of the world?
    That said, it makes me really sad to hear that people would choose that language for this type of an adoption….


    • TAO

      June 14, 2016 at 3:10 pm

      It seems to be a rising trend lately…read one just this morning…

      Liked by 1 person

      • My Perfect Breakdown

        June 14, 2016 at 3:44 pm

        That’s insane!! I swear I will never refer to my son this way because he actually has more parents then most people! And I happen to think it’s a great thing to respect and value his entire family.


        • TAO

          June 14, 2016 at 3:46 pm

          Exactly…I also get triggered by the term orphan and the saviour meme.

          BTW: Do you have moderation on for comments with links?

          Liked by 1 person

          • My Perfect Breakdown

            June 14, 2016 at 3:48 pm

            Ya I do. I get a LOT of spam and the odd troll so I keep a few things a bit strict. I do try to check my spam folder every now and again though to pull out anything that shouldn’t be there.


          • My Perfect Breakdown

            June 14, 2016 at 3:50 pm

            Also, don’t get me started on the saviour meme. I get that a lot from others and every time I respond with “actually I’m the lucky one to have him in my life.” And with people close to use we’ve asked them not to say those things because that’s simply not how we view our family and not something we ever want him to experience (I know he still could one day but I’d like to help reduce the chances of that when I can).

            Liked by 1 person

            • TAO

              June 14, 2016 at 3:53 pm

              go delete


              • My Perfect Breakdown

                June 14, 2016 at 3:58 pm

                I just read that, thank you for sharing. It’s these types of adoption articles/thoughts/blogs that drive me mad. It’s NOT okay. I personally see a very big distinction between private open adoption and other forms of adoption. The big thing about OPEN adoption is that the birth parents are known and may have a role in the child’s life and studies are showing that this is best for the children long run. Which is in part why we chose open. At the end of the day I am convinced that our son (and every other adopted child) has the right to know who their birth parents are, and if it’s safe they also have the right to have a relationship with them. Yes, I get that it can be hard on adoptive parents to have these relationships (we were terrified of it originally, now we love it), but isn’t this all about what’s best for the child? And what’s best the for the child is that they have the opportunity to know their entire family.
                This really is just so disheartening!


                • TAO

                  June 14, 2016 at 4:00 pm

                  Agree completely…why I needed to vent… 🙂


  3. calcandide

    June 14, 2016 at 5:02 pm

    What’s funny is that I never hear this sort of thing from actual prospective adoptive parents, although I wouldn’t be surprised that there are people out there who think that way. But I hear it a LOT from people who aren’t adopting – from people who think infertility treatment is selfish and that infertile people should “just adopt” as if life were like Little Orphan Annie and you can just go down to the local orphanage and have your choice of babies. These babies already have people, they just didn’t have families who could take care of them!

    And the whole savior thing; when people find out my husband and I are doing foster-to-adopt to build a family, they always tell us how amazing and wonderful we are. I don’t feel like we’re amazing and wonderful, I feel guilty that we have the ability to give a child a safe, loving home when other people can’t, and I feel selfish for wanting to build a family when other people are losing theirs. But after the extensive training in my county, my husband and I are really, really committed to keeping any foster/adoptive children in close contact with their extended birth families and their cultures and communities of origin. But we’re definitely not “saviors”. Ugh.


  4. iwishiwasadopted

    June 15, 2016 at 2:27 am

    I always thought of myself as an orphan. I loved Anne of Green Gables. I didn’t ask for things, because I did not think an orphan had a right. I’m not sure where I got the idea from, but it still seems like the truth.

    I now know that my parents signed me over to the state, so the state was my parents until the adoption was finalized. A pretty low thing to do to your own kid.


    • TAO

      June 15, 2016 at 3:32 am

      I wish – so was I, it was pretty common back in the day – it saved mothers from having to go to a dreaded maternity home, instead to a relative. Then, from my understanding either the doctor or mother just called up the county and made arrangements. The county also took applications from PAPs…so when they had a baby…


  5. Tiffany

    June 15, 2016 at 4:42 pm

    I have never heard people refer to domestic infant adoption as orphan adoption, but very little shocks me in terms of how people talk about adoption anymore. 😦

    I do get a lot of people who don’t understand how I easily refer to my daughter’s parents by her mother and father, with no qualifiers. I do not use “first mom” or “birth mom” IRL. Ever. They are her mom and dad. Period. I’m sure you aren’t surprised that I get funny looks and weird comments about that.

    As an aside, my daughter is getting older and is more aware of what being adopted means. Sometimes, there are questions that really shred my heart to pieces. I love her so much, but it pains me that adoption is what brought her into my life because I hurt so much for her. If that makes any sense.


  6. pj

    June 16, 2016 at 1:06 am

    Today I heard about an “orphan” named Abigail. There’s been a tagged (satellite tracked) manatee hanging out in my backyard for a while. A marine biologist, from the tracking org located Abigail and came by to check on her today. She told me that Abigail was an “orphan” and “as orphans often do-may act a little crazy”. She told me they often don’t know what to do when separated from the mother, act naively, have trouble bondng and often end up far from home.

    I’ve never thought of myself as an orphan and don’t like the way the term is trending..but today I felt a connection to orphan Abigail.


  7. L4R

    June 16, 2016 at 1:58 am

    Sometimes, even adoptees use the term.

    Gillian Welch is an adoptee. Based on what little I know of her story, her mother and father survived her birth.

    Orphan Girl:


  8. Angela Holkmann

    June 16, 2016 at 11:32 am

    Of course adopteea aren’t orphans! They have bparents and bgrandparents who don’t want/can’t take care of them? So what should me they called-the unwanted ones?


    • TAO

      June 16, 2016 at 1:40 pm

      The term human comes to mind…

      Liked by 1 person

    • L4R

      June 16, 2016 at 9:37 pm

      I think “can’t take care of” is better than “don’t want.” Sure, there are families who truly do not want to raise their children. But, the majority of adoptees come from families who wanted to raise their children but couldn’t for a variety of reasons.


  9. beth62

    June 16, 2016 at 3:20 pm

    Humans tend to modify language – for all sorts of reasons.

    Thought this reasoning would be of interest. 🙂


  10. The Adventures of TanyaJSteyn

    June 27, 2016 at 12:54 pm

    After reading through the comments etc, being an adoptee myself I am trying not to take it offensively that they are calling it orphan adoption. Never the less I think it is each childs own perspective of how they view the adoption. If the parents of the adoptee are very open and tells them everything they know and make the child feel secure and loved and apart of the family it will be easier to not feel like an orphan. In other cases the child may feel resentment towards the parents who signed them away just like that and prefers to be an orphan rather than adopted. I can’t speak on behalf of all adoptees but abandonment issues and fear of rejection is a real thing and can be a daily struggle in the life of someone who was adopted. Some kids are lucky and ends up with a loving family others end up in the system and never have any contact with their original family or experience what it is like to have that family bond whether it is through adoption or blood.



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