Being in the middle…

15 Feb

Just a short plea to ask that *some* of you in the online adoption community act like the adults you claim to be when in an adoption group.  Here’s the thing; adoptees sit squarely in the middle in this thing called an online adoption community, on one side, sit the parents by birth, the other side, the parents by adoption.  Both sides matter to me, assume other adoptees feel the same to varying degrees.

Some adoptees also hold more than one role in adoption, they may be speaking from either of their roles.  Never assume that a parent by birth, or by adoption, is not, also an adoptee.  It will make you look foolish.

My friends (adopted) learned early on how to not let every little thing get under their skin (we’d be a mess if we hadn’t, getting it from both sides).  People in other sectors of adoption can learn that too…and also stop assuming that the person speaking holds the role opposite to you, they could be an adoptee, and again, it makes you look foolish. Yes, that happened too…

Here’s what I believe –  many people in all three sectors believe adoption is not perfect.  We also won’t agree on what needs fixing all the time.  What does need fixing now is the never-ending clashes between parents by birth and adoption.  It is NOT helping make adoption any better, it just makes it worse.  Working together to have a collective strong voice telling the industry what needs fixing, is the only way progress will ever be made.  If they hear many voices from all sides saying this is broken, they will have to listen.  It can be made better in so many ways, from being proactive in introducing newbies (on either side) where the line in the sand is, when adoption is the solution, when it isn’t – to pushing agencies to do better, legislators to be more educated before they vote instead of only listening to adoption lobbyists.

Bickering and calling each other names does nothing but create a bad history that makes it hard to meet in the middle to solve anything.  Dust-ups are bound to happen.  Piling on, just makes the division wider between the two sectors, it solves nothing.  Try walking away, apologizing if you lost your cool or just tried to stir the pot.  Stop and remember that adoption is about the one in the middle…


Posted by on February 15, 2016 in Adoption


Tags: , , ,

12 responses to “Being in the middle…

  1. Laksh

    February 15, 2016 at 8:59 pm

    So well said!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Brent Snavely

    February 15, 2016 at 9:10 pm

    Insightful, and yet I am not so certain that “Working together to have a collective strong voice telling the industry what needs fixing, is the only way progress will ever be made. ” is, in fact,the only progress will ever be made sice ‘the industry’ is but a reflection of underlying societal problems. Societal inequities might better be corrected notwithstanding a deep desire to “fix the adoption industry”.


    • TAO

      February 15, 2016 at 9:19 pm

      Brent, you are correct that social inequalities is a huge component in fixing adoption so that it becomes rare. There are things inside of adoption that need fixing, desperately, the machine if you will, to make adoption the ONLY answer, happen quicker, faster, reducing rights – those things I believe can be reversed so that if an adoption needs to happen, it is done in a way that is humane for every person in adoption…


  3. Paige Adams Strickland

    February 15, 2016 at 9:47 pm

    So, so true! Thanks for this!


  4. pj

    February 15, 2016 at 10:45 pm

    Yes, thanks ! And thanks, Tao, for fostering the civility that exists on this blog.


    • TAO

      February 15, 2016 at 10:48 pm

      You’re welcome PJ – just a note that I fail and writing a post like this reminds me too… 🙂


  5. Sick Of Adoption

    February 16, 2016 at 2:39 pm

    Boy are you a freekin hypocrite. I have seen you bash adoptees who do not take your side, agree with your views. You just don’t get it do you? Divide and conquer, ever hear that expression? THEY want us to fight, THEY want us not to unite so we are not strong, THEY sent the Trojan horses…aren’t you aware of how many fake adoptees and fist mothers there are in adoptoland? Adoptive parents, social workers, etc come on here and pretend they are one of us to try to destroy us. THEY want to silence us, THEY want to still control us. We are nothing but a game to them, our lives are a game. I think you should of mentioned the name of the online group of which you spoke in your post also. Truth is power dude (and that is why THEY invented closed adoption).


  6. Baby Pod Out

    February 16, 2016 at 10:01 pm

    Not going into great detail on here about why, but as a former baby pod, I have decided to bow out of the triad. Why? I don’t want to put pressure on the person in the middle, and I can’t handle sharing the person in the middle with two people who should not have been in their lives in the first place. The two people who have my child, closed the adoption and have told me numerous times by email that I have been replaced and that I am less than nothing. So, I am finally putting my big girl pants on and moving on. Additonal info: As an infant, my child was taken from me under false accusations by the government and adopted out (many years ago). If you are interested in doing a little research, check out or


  7. Baby Pod Out

    February 17, 2016 at 6:41 pm

    I guess you don’t care if everyone has a say or not. Refusing to post my thoughts…NICE! Nothing new in my world… Unsubscribing from this blog. Don’t need to keep informed on this level.


    • TAO

      February 17, 2016 at 8:39 pm

      You do what want…heaven forbid I’m not at your beck and call 24/7…bye bye


  8. Beth62

    February 18, 2016 at 6:21 pm

    I do not understand.


  9. Pamela Karanova

    February 19, 2016 at 12:36 pm

    For my own sanity and trigger reasons I can’t be in the same “equation” as adoptive parents and birth parents. They can not comprehend my loss, nor do they understand it. Some try to understand and I commend them for that. This is why I created as an ADOPTEE ONLY commenting format, but the world is watching and learning. I have been in settings where all members of the triad are, and it is a MAJOR trigger for me for them to tell me how I should feel, and talking down on my feelings. This is the reason I make the choice not to put myself in those situations. Also, I have learned adoptees are pretty brutal to one another sometimes, and I chose to stay about of those online groups where being vicious or attacking one another (if they are adoptees) because it’s not ok. It’s not okay to be mean, and I feel we have all gone through enough, we really need to support one another the best way we know how. When all members of the “triad” are together, IMHO it’s impossible for that to happen. I have to protect myself, and in order for the beast in me to remain tame I have to stay away from them. Praying for Grace has been key, because I WANT to be able to help teach them what they do not know, but I have chose to do that by writing in my blog where they can’t interrupt me or tell me how I feel. I am in complete control over what I allow in, and if something sneaks by and lashes out at me usually they are sorry they ever did. 🙂 Thanks for this blog post, very much needed! ❤



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