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It’s all connected…

01 Nov

The first day of National Adoption Month still has me mulling over a conversation I had last week with a former co-worker, one I hadn’t talked to for several years.  It felt good to reconnect and we chatted like we’d always done working together.  As the conversation evolved, my friend asked how I was doing now, how many years it was since my events happened, I answered him. 

Then my friend started talking about how others always say how people like me are lucky when you really aren’t.  How people can’t see how going through that, and surviving, doesn’t make you lucky.  He got it.  I wish more people could stretch that way to see it isn’t just the after, it’s everything.  Yes, I was lucky I survived, but at the same time, I really wasn’t lucky at all, my life changed because of it.  People see me, and see someone who looks fine, I do, on the outside.  I’m not though, I’m limited in many ways you can’t see, I am not who I was before, I never will be, yet, I also appreciate every day.  I can simultaneously grieve the loss of who I was, and appreciate who I am now, the life I have now even on bad days.

People who don’t have life-altering events are the lucky ones, but the way we, as a society, views it, we are the lucky ones.  I think it is because we aren’t comfortable with anything other than the good.  It’s hard to just sit with what someone is going through, or has gone through something bad, we get nervous, we don’t know what to say.  Instead of just saying I’m sorry, I’m here, I’m listening, how can I help, we resort to platitudes.  We try to see the bright side – which is good, but not when it diminishes, or glosses over the loss, the struggles, the hard, by refusing to acknowledge it is now part of who the person has become.

The above works the same for an adoptee.  We all have different stories, different events that led up to needing, or at least, to our being adopted.  Some adoptee’s will have had far worse events and losses happen in their lives than others, so much worse.  So my question will always be – when will people (society) see that it isn’t ever lucky to need to be adopted, that it really isn’t lucky to have been adopted.  Instead, just honest recognition that every child deserves a good home, to be loved, and that adoption can do that, but no child deserved what led up to them needing a different family than they were born into, to lose everything.  When will people be able to stretch like my friend did, to not just see the now, the after, but everything that lead up to now, the losses, because it’s all connected in the person who experienced it.  Everything that happened to them – makes them who they are now.

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10 Comments

Posted by on November 1, 2015 in Adoption

 

Tags: , , ,

10 responses to “It’s all connected…

  1. eagoodlife

    November 1, 2015 at 10:04 pm

    There is no scale for loss or trauma, we experience things differently and individually, so we can’t say something is ‘worse’ for one than another. All we can say is that every adoption begins with loss and trauma which we may or may not remember or be able to talk about.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • TAO

      November 1, 2015 at 10:22 pm

      True Von, I was not speaking to that, though, I was speaking to those physically abused, and/or lost their country, culture, language, etc., – so many additional layers added.

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      • anenomekym

        November 5, 2015 at 2:27 pm

        Thanks for including these layers and more, TAO.

        Like

         
  2. pj

    November 2, 2015 at 12:31 am

    Another interesting discussion…so maybe it’s semantics that confuses (some of )society ??? As I say, ” I am adopted “…maybe I should follow that with…” But I’m not grateful I had to be..” “I’m adopted ” is not enough…people just can’t/don’t know what that means if they haven’t lived it….

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    • anenomekym

      November 5, 2015 at 2:24 pm

      Sometimes I think that stating that “I’m displaced”, “I’m dislocated”, or “I’m amputated” might be more accurate, and people might respond more appropriately, less dismissively.

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  3. orphanedheart

    November 2, 2015 at 4:05 am

    Reblogged this on orphanedheart.

    Like

     
  4. yan

    November 3, 2015 at 12:55 pm

    That’s so well put. Our actual adoptions may have turned out very well, but we still lost everything we had to get there. That’s not luck. It’s tragedy. Yes.

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  5. Dannie

    November 3, 2015 at 4:27 pm

    Great thoughts put into a very visual way. Hopefully more people will start seeing it that way or at least a few people at a time which will be more than currently…..

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • TAO

      November 3, 2015 at 4:47 pm

      Thanks Dannie

      Like

       
  6. cb

    November 3, 2015 at 9:00 pm

    Well said.

    Like

     

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