It isn’t about you…

14 Oct

Throughout my life I’ve been a reader.  Reading allows to escape at times, other time it teaches me what I need to know, hear.  It helps when I’m not sure about something, questioning whether feelings have changed, or will change in the future.  First I start with the past, then my era, and try to decide what it may be in the future.

Recently, what I’ve questioned is about what people say about an adoptee says they wish they’d never been adopted.  I’ve heard the responses, and generally, they tell the adoptee it’s because they just had a bad experience.  Others say adoptee’s today won’t feel that way.  Most take it as a direct attack on adoption, themselves as adoptive parents.  Discussions seldom end well, but there are also deeper thinkers out there who can understand why it was said.  I don’t know if I’ve ever said it, but, I know that it is seldom against their adoptive family, but it’s hard to articulate when you are the one in the middle, and people expect you to pick one side, which means you are rejecting the other side.  It isn’t that black and white.

So why I am I rambling on about this?

I read this very short one-page story about a man who rode the train, an orphan train rider.  Mr. Fred (Engert) Swedenburg.  Part of it is his story, his love for his new parents and life, his little brother, facts and bits about other orphan train riders, all woven into his talk about the orphan train riders to a group of sixth graders.  A small glimpse into history, and at the end, he answers if he would want to do it again.

If you want his answer, go read it.  His answer should be able to transcend time to today when you hear an adoptee say they wish they’d never been adopted, and in the future as well.  It isn’t about you, or adoption, it really isn’t, it’s about the loss, and if a sixth grader can understand, so can you.


Posted by on October 14, 2015 in Adoption, adoptive parents


Tags: , , , ,

14 responses to “It isn’t about you…

  1. Lara/Trace

    October 14, 2015 at 4:35 pm

    Reblogged this on ☀️ army of one ☀️ and commented:
    a glimpse of history and the orphan trains


  2. momsomniac

    October 14, 2015 at 6:09 pm

    Reblogged this on db mcneill – Momsomniac.


  3. momsomniac

    October 14, 2015 at 6:09 pm

    Reblogged. Let me know if you’d prefer I take that down. Thanks!


    • TAO

      October 14, 2015 at 6:59 pm

      No, I’m honored you want to share…


  4. Diana

    October 19, 2015 at 6:06 pm

    I have to disagree with you. Sometimes it is about your adoptive family. I wish I was never adopted and I hate my adoptive family so much I can’t stand it at times. I haven’t spoken to my adoptive mother in 20 years because she is an insane evil abusive witch and I never want to see my adoptive siblings again (or her). Add to that that I have always hated being told I wasn’t allowed to know who my real family is and that I still don’t have closure well, my face is on the ground with that little boy in the classroom.


    • TAO

      October 19, 2015 at 6:15 pm

      I’m not understanding how you can take ” know that it is seldom against their adoptive family, ” as never…


  5. Diana

    October 19, 2015 at 10:50 pm

    What? Your reply makes no sense. A bit snotty aren’t we? You expect people who leave a comment to be nice but you’re not. You clearly state in your post that adoptees who say they wish they weren’t adopted aren’t saying that because of their adoptive families and quite bluntly that is bullshit dearie. So that is why I said I disagree. Okay, you are way too high maintenance for me, on to a less anal blogger…jerk


    • beth62

      October 20, 2015 at 2:53 pm

      Diana, If your adopted family didn’t suck royally, do you think you would be saying adoption is super instead? Do you think you might sometimes still say “I wish I was never adopted”?

      My afamily wasn’t / isn’t so bad, far from perfect but doable. When I say I wish I was never adopted, and I do ( which for me means more like I wish I never had to be adopted) People almost always ignore me and assume my afamily sucks and that is why I say that. It’s not true for everyone, yet that is always the response and dismissal, because you know the parents reading that say, oh, well, I don’t suck, so my kid will never say that.

      In the big picture of it all I think truly sucky families are seldom.
      Sorry yours fell into the seldom realm – that really sucks, screw them, that really really sucks for you. As if it’s not tuff enough being adopted in general, then to get dealt that crap… not fair at all.

      btw, I don’t think TAO was wrong, she rarely says always or never. Here she says “seldom”. No reason to get bent


  6. beth62

    October 20, 2015 at 3:18 pm

    Regardless of the reason,
    regardless of the destination,
    who’s face wouldn’t fall,
    who’s glance wouldn’t find the floor,
    at the thought of having to board the orphan train??

    That’s my question 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • pj

      October 20, 2015 at 8:23 pm

      Yes,Beth….and I had encouraging, supportive and very open adoptive parents…but the adoption train certainly leads you on a different sort of lifelong journey and there’s no going back to the station.,,


      • beth62

        October 21, 2015 at 1:19 pm

        Wouldn’t that train be a great visual aide at the “I want to know what it is like to be adopted” exhibit.

        Step one, ALL ABOARD!
        Take one last look.
        Off we go.
        We will not be coming back.


  7. onewomanschoice

    October 22, 2015 at 3:19 pm

    Touching story. I actually have been to the Orphan Train Museum in Kansas. It is a small museum and somber like. It’s strange because I have been to numerous museums over the years but there is something different about this one. The museum is set by the old train station which was a stop for the Orphan Trains. The original train tracks are still visable.


    • TAO

      October 22, 2015 at 3:49 pm

      Then they achieved their goal of making history come alive, I’m glad to hear it. The history of the train riders mirrors the history of the Home Children sent to different countries. All break my heart.

      Liked by 1 person


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