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“Selfish Bastard”…

29 May

I know, I couldn’t have picked a more provocative title if I’d tried.  Last night, while winding down, I read an article about why the Adoptee Rights Bill in Texas didn’t get to a vote.  An adoptive mother who is also a Texas state senator stopped it – in its tracks.  Wow, just wow is all I can say to that…

But of course, I was curious about what the comments were like, and I was slapped in the face by this comment by ‘Not You’…

Being adopted, She’s right.  There are very few fairy tale stories of finding the mother that gave you away….

They didn’t want you then what makes you think that they will want you now?

You have to be a selfish bastard to not understand the love given by your adopted parents.

That didn’t elicit a Wow, just wow from me.  I was gobsmacked, speechless.

Later, as I told a friend, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the irony of calling adoptees – selfish bastards.  It also stung, more than I’d care to admit – even though it wasn’t directed at me, it was directed at other adoptees.  Whether ‘Not You’ is just an ignorant jack-ass and that’s a common phrase that person uses, or ‘Not You’ used it on purpose because he/she is an adoptee and knows the connection between a bastard and adoption – who knows.  Personally, I suspect the latter and that it was used to shame other adoptees in Texas daring to want what everyone else born in Texas has access to, their factual historical record of birth…

Box 23 on my OBC

For those born more recently, the snippet above is from my original birth certificate, question 23. Legitimate? Yes No.  Not only is there an X in the No box, they also circled it, to make it clear it wasn’t a mistake.  This question is missing from my amended certified raised seal photostactic copy sent to mom and dad when they adopted me, it is only a short form birth certificate.  If they issued a long form amended birth certificate, it would show an X in the Yes box.  Magically rewriting history to say I was born legitimate…therefore, not a bastard…

illegitimate

Definitions

adjective

  1. born of parents who were not married to each other at the time of birth; bastard
  2. forbidden by law; illegal; unlawful
  3. contrary to logic; incorrectly reasoned

noun

  1. an illegitimate person; bastard
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29 Comments

Posted by on May 29, 2015 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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29 responses to ““Selfish Bastard”…

  1. beth62

    May 29, 2015 at 4:28 pm

    I always wondered which box they would really check if you were married before/at conception and divorced or widowed before the birth.

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    • TAO

      May 29, 2015 at 4:30 pm

      Funny Beth… pretty sure they would check the Yes box for any of those, definitely for widowed…

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      • beth62

        June 3, 2015 at 1:55 pm

        How annoying this legit rule is! And they don’t even do it right. Seems to be the time of birth part that determines status, yet they go on and on with the hateful judging of unmarried sex.

        What’s the big deal then, where is the guy with the booze, ring and shotgun? 🙂

        I guess I should just be glad we don’t literally stone the illegitimate pregnant mothers to death anymore? Nor exile her whole tribe?

        Call me crazy but I deeply believe that is what marriage is for, or actually IS. Creating a human together, two becoming one, the joining of two families.

        This insane idea that an individual male has the power to determine if their child, or another man’s child, is a genuine or legitimate person on the earth is beyond me.

        Little too ancient to still be a thing today, yet obviously this idea is still is alive and well in our laws. (Sealed OBCs )

        It’s no wonder so many adopted people I know think of marriage certificates and other legal docs as having the same value as toilet paper. And, pffft why bother.

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  2. L4R

    May 29, 2015 at 6:01 pm

    Not You is the selfish, ignorant bastard. Buy into the adoption myths much, Not You? I was wanted. Both of my parents wanted me. My mom just didn’t want my dad (or more likely, my grandparents didn’t want him to marry my mom.)

    And, if anyone is selfish in this scenario it is the senator/adoptive parent. Why is she involved in this at all?

    How dare Not You lump us all together.? Some adoptive parents are attrocious, yet we’re supposed to celebrate all of them. And, while most of us did have average to excellent parents, that has nothing to do with adoptee rights.

    I didn’t know that society was forever going to view me as a pound puppy who needs to pay sole homage to my adoptive parents for giving me a home.

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    • TAO

      May 29, 2015 at 6:08 pm

      Brilliant L4R, simply brilliant…

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    • beth62

      May 30, 2015 at 11:49 am

      “I didn’t know that society was forever going to view me as a pound puppy who needs to pay sole homage to my adoptive parents for giving me a home.”

      I’ve heard many times lately that the pound puppy, once grown, will always owe, and should also adopt from the pound to “pay back for their good fortune”

      The selfish bastard discussions are churning here in sarcastic wise guy land. ug.
      The Illegitimate Humans out number the Legitimate Humans here, by far.
      The Legits should watch their backs 🙂
      My legit human husband was actually walking around yesterday acting like he is Somebody. madness.

      Um, What do they call the bastard pound puppy’s mother?????

      I can be a bastard bitch or a bitch bastard, they are still deciding on which they prefer…

      Better add Proud and Happy to it is all I have to say about this madness.

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  3. yan

    May 29, 2015 at 9:35 pm

    I’m fine with the bastard part, as at least it’s factually correct. And honestly, I like it a little because it makes some people uncomfortable and squirmy, and that’s exactly how I feel when people who know nothing about what it’s like to grow up adopted call me selfish for wanting to know my own story.

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    • TAO

      May 29, 2015 at 9:38 pm

      I never thought I wasn’t fine with it either Yan, I have my OBC proudly hanging on the wall for all to see… It stung though hearing an adoptee using it as a slur to other adoptees…that just crosses the line that made it not okay…

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      • yan

        May 31, 2015 at 3:20 pm

        It’s the lack of compassion within the group of people you’d most expect to understand, I’d think. Hearing “you should be grateful” stings me much more coming from an adoptee than it does from a non-adoptee.

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  4. Nara

    May 29, 2015 at 9:45 pm

    I find it weird that people consider illegitimacy such a bad thing. Most children seem to be born out of wedlock nowadays. Maybe it is that I don’t live in a religious country. But I see it as a swear word, and many times (in the UK) it’s also an affectionate word used between friends… It has next to no meaning from its original etymology for me. I don’t associate it with myself, not because I am illegitimate but because it seems like an anachronism in that context. I’m sorry to hear it upset you. That sucks. There are some very mean people commenting on adoption online, I’ve found! It’s strange that a lot of them don’t even seem to have any experience of adoption yet have such strong opinions on it!

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    • TAO

      May 29, 2015 at 9:52 pm

      Nara – getting back to normal after visitors – haven’t forgotten…

      Today, there isn’t the stigma – when I was born there were laws in place in the US (most countries) that allowed people to legally discriminate against people who were illegitimate…why tens of thousands of babies in the US each year had BFA marked on their files at birth (Baby for Adoption) – because of the stigma to the families and what the future held for the babies.

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      • Nara

        May 29, 2015 at 9:59 pm

        Hi there! Don’t worry at all… I’m interested in your thoughts and you’ve already given me lots of info, so thank you so much!
        There definitely was a stigma when I was born too… That’s why there were plenty of babies up for adoption then whereas it’s older kids now. It is horrible to think that people would discriminate based on an arbitrary social / legal arrangement! I’ve never felt discriminated against for being illegitimate. It’s a horrible thought, but I guess it’s a two pronged grief as many of us wouldn’t have been adopted if it hasn’t been for the then stigma of illegitimacy. Aren’t humans strange in what they value.

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  5. eagoodlife

    May 29, 2015 at 11:01 pm

    Proud to be a bastard and to reclaim the word for myself…also I’m a ‘love-child’. All are ‘legitimate’ except for us bastards born out of ‘wedlock’ – what a quaint word that is! In my 70 years I’ve come to know that the stigma of bastardry never leaves and will remain whatever anyone says. And I live in a country that gave us our rights 40 years ago! It takes time. First let’s get rid of that obnoxious word ‘illegitimate”!!

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  6. cb

    May 30, 2015 at 7:12 am

    Here is an article from earlier in the year which mentions Donna Campbell’s previous shooting down of the bill:

    http://kxan.com/2015/01/19/adoption-group-pushing-for-access-to-original-birth-certificates/

    and her comments that time around:

    “Texas Sen. Dr. Donna Campbell disagrees. She has a daughter through a closed adoption, and shot down a bill last legislative session that aimed to make original birth certificates accessible to adult adoptees after the birth parents have died.

    “A decision that was made at the time [of adoption] needs to be respected, and the government does not need to get involved in that decision,” said Campbell.

    In the last 15 years, a handful of states have reversed sealed records laws.”

    By the way, the comments on the particular article I’ve attached are worth reading and, with a non-adoptee (qwertyuiop) asking some questions out of genuine interest, it gives some of the commenters an opportunity to give some good answers.

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    • TAO

      May 30, 2015 at 1:44 pm

      “A decision that was made at the time [of adoption] needs to be respected, and the government does not need to get involved in that decision,” said Campbell.

      I had a ‘lively’ discussion with hubs on the very same argument, they made a decision and that’s it – so I turned it around. Trying to remember how it went (and failing) but what if his parents made a deal with someone that if they could get pregnant/have him – when he grew up he couldn’t ever do X because a deal is a deal. Funny how it wouldn’t have been okay for his parents to do that to him, but perfectly fine for other people to have to accept deals made by other people…

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  7. L4R

    May 30, 2015 at 8:25 pm

    “’A decision that was made at the time [of adoption] needs to be respected, and the government does not need to get involved in that decision,’said Campbell.”

    This is unsettling. We’re not to be confused with property. Sure, when a deal is struck regarding property, the deal is generally done.

    But, we’re people. And, we’re people who had no say in the original decision.

    Moreover, her argument is highly flawed. The original decision was to give us up for adoption. That decision wasn’t going to be reversed by this bill. Thus, that decision is still respected.

    Stop treating adoptees like property, please.

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  8. cb

    May 31, 2015 at 2:27 pm

    “A decision that was made at the time [of adoption] needs to be respected and the government does not need to get involved in that decision,” said Campbell.”

    But the government is already involved – they are the ones who sealed adoption records so they couldn’t be accessed and people are asking to have that access restored.

    Also, I think I read somewhere that Campbell’s daughter is about 8 – this decision was made recently when there would have been a choice of whether the adoption was to be confidential, semi-open or open. This choice is something that is available in all states even states like Kansas (an always unsealed state):

    https://www.kcsl.org/Heart_To_Home_Birth_Parents_FAQ.aspx
    http://www.adopteesearch.info/states1.html

    However, for older adoptees/bmothers, there was only once choice, i.e. closed, thus the real desires of individuals cannot be determined when there is only one choice. Thus implying that bmothers chose closed adoption during that time is disingenuous

    Here is a link to the Texas Adoptee Right Organisation:

    http://www.texasadopteerights.org/

    From last session:

    “Last session a bill that would allow adult adoptees to access their original birth certificates if their birth parents were already dead, was also killed by Senator Campbell. In the committee hearing when discussing the legislation, she began by asking if contact was financially motivated “Why the need would a child want to go back and find, for financial reasons? That they should be allowed something…?” She repeated the statement “fail to see the value” and later continued objections, saying “This to me slaps in the face…of how the adoptive parent would like to raise these children up in talking about things.” Adoptee Advocate, Connie Gray reminded Senator Campbell in her testimony that as minors, of course the parents are the authority but, “We do grow up, and we have our own rights to our own records.” Video can be viewed here:

    http://tlcsenate.granicus.com/MediaPlayer.php?view_id=9&clip_id=810

    (beginning at 51 minutes)

    “This to me slaps in the face…of how the adoptive parent would like to raise these children up in talking about things.”

    So it is all about her.

    Btw here is an old article written in 2005 reprinted by the NACAC:

    http://www.nacac.org/adoptalk/accessbirthrecords.html

    It gives some good advice eg

    “•Be deliberate about the language you use to talk about adoptee access issues. For example, the phrase “opening adoption records” is misleading because it suggests people want to grant unfettered access to the records. “Restoring adoptee access to birth records” more accurately describes what we support. In the same way, “Giving adopted children their records” is misleading while “Allowing adopted adults to obtain their birth records” is more exact.”

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  9. onewomanschoice

    June 1, 2015 at 6:39 pm

    Comments like that anger me greatly too Tao. And I hate the word illigitimate. Human law can’t make us legitimate. The fact that we are here in flesh and blood, created by our creator, no more, no less than any other human being on earth, we are real and therefore, we are legit.

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  10. beth62

    June 2, 2015 at 3:28 pm

    http://www.history.com/shows/the-bible-rules/videos

    Just watched episode 6. Interesting ancient rules and ways regarding slaves and bastards in different countries/cultures.

    Heard some new words associated with the unplanned.
    Exposed.
    Genuine.
    Very interesting.

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  11. N

    October 12, 2015 at 2:56 am

    I was cast off by a mother who didn’t want me, and a father who doesn’t know I exist. I was adopted into a family who scarred me and later abandoned me. I am neither selfless nor selfish, but I’m pissed no adults had the courage to intervene on my behalf. One almost did, but backed down after my adopted parents threatened her.

    My bio mother told me to go away when I made contact. She hides my existence from my siblings. Even if she had not rejected me twice, too much time passed to make us anything but strangers. So I’ve got a mother who doesn’t want me, a father who doesn’t know I exist, a dead adopted father who hurt me in ways that still take my breath away, and an adoptive mother who neglected and resented me as soon as that “new baby” nirvana wore off.

    I feel like an alien that was hatched. I doubt there is an ugly name that could be hurled at me that I haven’t already used against myself. Adoption hurts.

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    • TAO

      October 12, 2015 at 3:38 am

      I’m sorry, no one should have your story.

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  12. beth62

    April 15, 2016 at 3:25 pm

    What a wonderful mood I am in 🙂
    A wonderfully kind Adoptive mother, about 10 yrs my junior, called me a “Selfish Ungrateful Illegitimate Bitch Bastard of a Whore” to my face today 🙂

    I got them all in one fling!!!
    It was awesome!!!
    Job well done 🙂 I am truly proud of myself. Seriously! I I think I should get some kind of prize, or certificate or something. A medal, that would be perfect.
    Have a feeling I will be smiling for quite a while 🙂
    Not just one or two – but all of the lovely labels in one mouthful. 🙂 my job is done for now. 🙂

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    • TAO

      April 15, 2016 at 3:31 pm

      Holy crap – you did hit the motherlode – and Holy crap again – she’s raising children she adopted? WTF is wrong with the homestudy screening today that is supposed to catch those PAPs who are wholly unsuited to be granted the right to raise children they didn’t birth?

      I want to hear more…

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    • eagoodlife

      April 16, 2016 at 12:26 am

      Excellent result!! Warmest congratulations on your efforts and keep up the good work.

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      • beth62

        April 18, 2016 at 4:46 pm

        Thanks for the creds and congrats ya’ll! It really did make my day LOL

        Still laughing. Bless her heart is all I can say.
        She did apologize that night with a gift and calm talk. I tried to apologize for laughing, and I owed her one too, but I still can’t stop. Progress was made IMO, she eventually began to laugh with us.

        She basically confessed to the “enemy” and didn’t even know it. Then add in a funny adoptee (not me!) saying, Let’s tie her to a stick and lower her into the pot, or would you rather rotisserie? (old private joke) While the amom agrees, thinking she’s talking about the newly found mother.

        She did not know she was in an Adopted One’s lair, It was traumatic for her when she found out. I know it was. She heard it was a group that just happened to have a lot of people with adoption in their families. So naturally, ug, she expected pro-rainbows, chicken soup and unicorns. The look on her face was priceless when she realized where she really was… (i was not the lone giggler, come on now it was funny!)

        We had a military spouse/parent/family put em on the bus/ breakfast. (really a trick to find after hour child care by some of the moms with littles). Had a bunch of newbies, yay. Well, not all yay, most of the sons/daughters/spouses have been deployed, but good to see those here waiting for their return connect and support in this way, kind of yay.

        After the bus carried the madness away for the day, this particular mom was upset and venting. It was an appropriate place and time for support.
        So she is sharing her pain that her son had made contact with his original mother while deployed.
        You surely know how that goes… disloyal, doesnt really love me, blah blah, youve probably heard what is often said in this circumstance before… it was ugly and full of fear jealousy and hate.

        It hit him while off floating in a scary other world while facing possible death. He hadn’t told her before he did it, she was not included, he was far away, wasn’t telling her enough details, ditching her, planning a visit to them when he gets home…. And she said she didn’t mean details about his family, but details of WHY he chose to do it, why he chose to hurt her like this… You know, a common first response, slightly understandable FIRST response when hit with such a thing from what I have seen. I get it.

        Soooooo, several of us reunited, sensible, peaceful and caring Adopted ones, and other aparents listened to her, tried to comfort her, help her understand stuff. We talked and explained how things can work sometimes. Not one of us Adopted ones mentioning our own connection. We’ve learned. It’s still hard not to look at each other in amazement and not at least chuckle a little when this happens.

        Eventually she gets frustrated that we aren’t saying what she wants us to, says that we don’t know what it is really like, we don’t actually live it!

        Adoptee in the know glances and busted out laughs commence. I have tears by this point.
        Probably not so supportive LOL

        One of us fessed up, and started telling our stories in brief. The look on her face was pure horror when she realized she was literally surrounded by several old (well, older than her) Adopted people and their related supporters.

        Then she really freaked out, screamed ugly stuff at me – and all I did was sit there trying not to keep laughing at her….

        Then a hard as nails someone, not Adopted, says, Honey, you can look around before you say something hateful or tell a joke about many groups of people – adopted people just arent one of those groups. now ya know.

        She ran, embarrassed, horrified, upset and cying. fairly reasonable response – just like my laughter :}

        We, the tough-skinned, caught her, so all is well, and will be better for all.

        Another handsome, strong, brave, young soldier owes me one 🙂 And I absolutely plan on collecting!

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        • TAO

          April 18, 2016 at 5:22 pm

          Sometimes people forget to stop and think…not the first time an adoptee in the military decides it could be now or never – literally, and searches, reunites. I have a military story of a similar nature – and yes – she expected the same reaction and didn’t get it…no idea why I forgot to note he was in the service at the time…

          “Mom also wasn’t shy about disagreeing with someone else. I’ll never forget the day one of mom’s friend (also an adoptive mom) was sitting at the kitchen table telling us that she was cutting her son out of her will. She said she was doing it because he’d made contact with his family by birth and was spending time with them. Mom didn’t raise her voice, but she told her bluntly what she was doing wrong. She defended her friend’s son, tried every which way she could think of to get her friend to understand why her son needed to reconnect, how it didn’t have anything to do with her or her husband and their relationship with him. That what she was doing was wrong and that everyone would be irrevocably harmed, that one day she’d be sorry. I don’t think mom words made a difference to her friends attitude that day. I do know that mom stood up for what she believed was right.”

          Well done for catching her and calming her down to be able to hopefully think rationally Beth…

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  13. beth62

    April 19, 2016 at 2:48 pm

    I’m glad your Mom stood up for that. I remember you talking about that in the past, I will always remember it as an especially great Mom moment in my book 🙂

    Thanks for giving me a space to vent and get this out of my system, I plan to move on from this drama quickly!

    This one started in a similar way, we were packing boxes of goodies to mail. And she says we could, but she “ain’t sending my ungrateful little bastard son shit”. And that she hoped he was miserable and alone over there, because that is what he deserves for what he’d done to her.

    And when she said why, I wasn’t so shy about disagreeing either! No one was. I know she was shocked that she was alone on her side of the fence, the rest of the amoms were on my side of the fence with mouths hung open a little and eyes as big as mine, trying to figure out what in the world we should say, first.
    I asked if she had said things like that to her son? (Yes) One Amom/Adoptee got really upset (very much out of character for her) and asked if that was something she would say in front of other adopted people, like her adult friends/family or her pre-teen kids? And if so, you know what? maybe this isn’t the group for her, because she just did! And then she started pointing, I’m adopted, she’s adopted, she’s adopted, he’s adopted, she’s adopted….. she reunited, he reunited, she’s trying, and so is she, he would but he can’t because of, well, underthetableslavery, most of us are all proud bastards, or proud mothers of them, here. LOL
    It got really angry and ugly on both sides of the fence in no time.

    And, please don’t get any ideas that I got up to chase this unstable woman! I did not.
    I did encourage others to run a little faster “before she finds a bridge”, but I did not get up, oh no.
    I went about my business and waited for an apology before I said another word.
    And it came eventually, as it should have, first.
    If anything, I pointed towards the leap of shame and said, it’s that way—>> before I rolled my eyes and suggested maybe someone should catch her before she gets there.

    The only thing I owed her pre-apology was a good punch in the nose and a swift kick in the ass for the way she talked to me, about me, she doesn’t even know me.

    I did tell her I personally don’t have the time or energy to deal with unnecessary selfish bullshit drama like she was spewing, that she needed to suck it up and eat her beets like the rest of us – if she wanted to be included or able to talk to me about any of it in the future. ha ha.
    I wasn’t alone in saying that, so we will see.

    Now she won’t quit texting some of us… ugh, that’s what you get for helping hold someone up for a bit, they want you to keep holding them up.

    I won’t carry her or her stuff, she’s leaned on us long enough to rest, she needs to eat her damn beets she picked up or carry them on her own now. Liking them or not is beside the point! No one really likes them, but it is entirely possible to get them down anyway, if you want to survive a journey like this.

    Me and mine ALWAYS choose to survive, it’s what we do, in any and every instance, and we’re well trained at it by now.
    Maybe she will choose that as her only option too.

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  14. TAO

    April 19, 2016 at 3:40 pm

    Right now, spewing is one of my favorite words…

    and what can I say – beets…it really says it all (dpen)…

    I’m still gobsmacked that any human can’t understand why an adoptee would want to search. The only answer I can come up with is that they must be completely void of any curiosity whatsoever and they just can’t relate. Nor do I understand the insecurity that after a couple of decades being mom/dad they have such little faith in their parent/child relationship.

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  15. beth62

    April 19, 2016 at 4:53 pm

    Im glad its a favorite word today LOL cause I feel like a stinky wet dog that just came in here and shook that woman’s spew all over the place!!
    ew, sorry ’bout the spew :-/

    Like

     

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