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Worth the read…

20 May

An article by Claudia Y. Vercellotti, rebutting an editorial about the new Ohio state law:  New State Law is a welcome start

Editorial she’s talking about: New State Law Could Be Risky

 

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18 Comments

Posted by on May 20, 2015 in Adoption

 

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18 responses to “Worth the read…

  1. yan

    May 20, 2015 at 9:51 pm

    The original opinion essay is condescending and AGAIN conflates access to birth records with search and reunion. Yes, they’re connected. No, they aren’t the same thing. But also, we’re adults now, with the ability to stand our own truths if we seek them out. If only someone trained in therapy could see that.

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  2. cb

    May 20, 2015 at 10:52 pm

    “But also, we’re adults now, with the ability to stand our own truths if we seek them out. If only someone trained in therapy could see that.”

    Exactly.

    Why do people think adoptees are idiots? Do they really not realise that, hey, perhaps the adoptee has considered all the possible outcomes themselves?

    And as yan also pointed out, unsealing records is about access to birth records, not search/reunion specifically.

    Btw I was born in NZ and live in Australia. Both places have had the majority of their records unsealed for over 20 years (although Queensland only just unsealed theirs a few years ago)). The sky hasn’t fallen in.

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    • beth62

      May 21, 2015 at 2:03 pm

      “The sky hasn’t fallen in.”
      cb,
      Glad you are over there so we can know for sure, because I can’t really tell from here, and I don’t trust the news so much 🙂
      I was sooooo afraid the sky would fall in with all the devastation found from knowledge of the truth!
      hmmm
      Are you sure it hasn’t rained frogs, or maybe the locusts have come, what about the water!? what color is the water??? Do you still get rainbows? Are there any fluffy bunnies left or did they all perish at the news?
      Does the sun still shine over there? 🙂

      This woman speaks as if adopted people have never felt it rain before at some point in their lives, do people think we as a group are that sheltered? Are we made of something different that we will just crumble and melt if we get rained on?

      Are we really thought of as so sweet and tender, the precious gifts, infants forever to be protected from anything and everything?
      Are we different than those in fully-open-record-adoptions?

      Or is it all of the parents that they are more worried about being devastated by us and our new found knowledge that was NOT part of the deal?

      I do think there is some sort of sick idea out there that we should stay vulnerable and sheltered forever. A forever child that can be legally lied to forever, in their best interest.
      A forever child that better be independent and successful – happy and grateful, as soon as possible so that we don’t devastate all of our parents.

      Loved the rebuttal, I am saving that one!
      I’m with Claudia, being denied access to true knowledge of my birth has been beyond devastating to me.

      Those lies/hidden truths fall on our kids too – that is where my deepest fiery anger was born and found by me. I am very lucky to not be in prison right now because of that.

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      • cb

        May 22, 2015 at 11:40 pm

        Lol – love you, Beth, you always make me laugh. Actually we do have locust plagues and large multitudes of bunnies have perished – OMG NOW I KNOW WHY!!! (Actually, the CSIRO would probably have been thrilled if rabbits could have been killed off so easy – we had a major plague in Australia up to the 50s until the CSIRO introduced myxomatosis. Also locust plagues have existed since the mid 1800s)

        As you say, people do really seem to feel that adoptees are sheltered or rather, haven’t matured since the age of 10. I think there is a misunderstanding about today’s online adoptees – many of us are exploring our biological connections and resultant emotions for the first time ever – the abstract has become real, however, many non-adopted people assume that we have been stuck in the same emotions all our life. 10 years ago, I might have been considered the “ideal adoptee” and had all the acceptable feelings that society expect from adoptees – however, reunion (even though only with extended family) has changed me and I am thinking about things I’ve not thought in depth about before and questioning adoption practices (which I’d never thought about before) – I am an ideal adoptee gone bad.

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        • beth62

          May 23, 2015 at 5:50 pm

          Nooooo not the bunnies!!! 🙂
          myxomatosis – That’s not a new diagnosis, or new group, for reunited adopted people is it?

          “funny” bunny story: My son walks in yesterday, looking serious and sad, and says, 😦 “The rabbit died.”
          I nearly pass out and ask him to elaborate.
          “The rabbit we were trying to save that I hit with the lawn mower.”
          I say in relief, “OH! Thank God!”
          He says, “What is wrong with you Mom!?”
          … apparently he’s too young to know about old sayings and old pregnancy tests.

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          • TAO

            May 23, 2015 at 7:20 pm

            You made me laugh Beth – I think that most people alive today have no idea when I try to explain ‘the rabbit had to die’ while trying to explain why mothers had to come see dad to get blood drawn to find out if they were pregnant.

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          • belleinblue

            May 25, 2015 at 4:36 pm

            Ha, the rabbit died. Thank you MASH for teaching me that one.

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  3. Jess

    May 21, 2015 at 11:27 am

    “Do they really not realise that, hey, perhaps the adoptee has considered all the possible outcomes themselves?”

    Yes, the patronizing was unbelievable–we know better than you do what your rights should be. Tempered enthusiasm, indeed. The rebuttal was magnificent.

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    • TAO

      May 21, 2015 at 5:22 pm

      I thought so Jess, it hit so many valid points…

      Between the original patronizing post by that woman and the comments to the adoptee on Dear Abby – it’s so incredibly clear that adoptees are not seen as fully human…that’s the best way I can describe how ludicrous it really is….to be…an adoptee…

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      • cb

        May 22, 2015 at 11:56 pm

        I think also that people see adoptees in black and white and can’t understand that adoptees may have multiple feelings at the same time. Adoptees are often accused of having “fantasies” about their bparents but people don’t always realise there may be conflicting “fantasies”, i.e. both negative and positive. I don’t know about others but I was prepared for the worst but hoped for the best.

        One thing that I do find hard, funnily enough, is that reality was actually better than my expectations and I find it hard to talk about my bfamily because, sorry to disappoint people, they are actually very nice. I just feel sometimes that I’m being judged for talking about my bfamily in a positive way which is why I feel I have to always make people aware that I also see my afamily in a positive light.

        Also, re the Dear Abby teenager’s anger, there seemed to be the assumption that the anger was steeped in hate which is often not the case (in fact, it is sometimes the “indifferent” adoptees (“they are nothing but sperm/egg donors”) who despise their bparents not the so-called angry ones). I remember once on another forum, a member (an AP actually) said that when her father died, she was angry at him for dying and to me that is a similar anger to how an adoptee might feel, i.e. angry at the person for not being in their life. Btw I don’t know that I ever really felt angry at my bmother or ever hated her, I don’t know that I necessarily felt abandoned. What adoption does do is send the message that we came along at a bad time in our bparents life and I do know that when I was younger, I never wanted people to find my presence inconvenient which meant I did often try not to outstay my welcome.

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  4. L4R

    May 22, 2015 at 1:01 am

    Was it painful to be rejected? Yes, it was. But, it was far more painful to not know anything.

    The original editorial post would only be revelatory to the general public and a small number of adoptees. Before obtaining their OBCs, most adoptees have had at least two decades of life to think of many possibilities that would have led to the adoption.

    I didn’t expect a fairytale.

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  5. beth62

    May 23, 2015 at 5:34 pm

    All I can think lately is…. how fragile is the adoptive relationship (parent-child) really?
    And what really makes it more secure?

    From what I have seen, I think many assume it is far more fragile than I do.

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    • cb

      May 25, 2015 at 2:51 am

      Beth, I agree. There has always (mostly) been a natural bond that forms between a child and the person raising them and most of the more traditional practices understood that. It has always seemed to me the architects of the Western form were so lacking in trust of that bond that they felt the need to force it (by obliterating the biological connections and making the child “as if born to”).

      A few posts ago, I posted a link to an article by the ex-CEO of the NCFA and all I could think was “How insecure are you, Mr CEO?”.

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      • cb

        May 25, 2015 at 3:02 am

        This is a section from the NCFA article that demonstrates the insecurity:

        “Third, mandagory openness undermines the strength of the adoptive family:

        A chief reason adoption has been so successful is that society and law have respected at the adoptive family as the child’s true and permanent family. Adoption is not “long-term foster care”, until the child grows up and can reunite with the “real” family. But by empowering one side to force herself or himself on the other, mandatory openness etablishes the state as a reunion advocate, rather than the neutal party it should be. It establishes as the legal norm and the cultural expectation at adopted persons and their birthparents will, and should, “reunite” when the child reaches the age of majority. Such a policy not only promotes emotional and traumatic experiences in famillies, it sends the corrosive message that adoptive families are somhow inadequate to meet the pyschological needs of their adopted members.

        This message attacks a very foundation of adoption, that the adoptive family is the child’s true and permanent family. Adoptive parenting has provided untold social and familial benefits to children throughout the years. Law and society must continue to respect the adoptive family as the adopted person’s true and permanent family, in order for those benefits to continue”

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        • beth62

          May 25, 2015 at 3:41 pm

          Yikes, that is entirely too brainwashed-savage-slave-like-scary to me.
          I’d bet he has a verse or two from the bible to back up his theory too.
          Yikes, ideas like this push me to hide in the woods where I am safe from so called “civilized” humans.

          In this day and time I do not understand how people get away with this sort of completely insecure and proven dangerous thinking. Only in adoption…

          “…Adoptive parenting has provided untold social and familial benefits to children throughout the years. Law and society must continue to respect the adoptive family as the adopted person’s true and permanent family, in order for those benefits to continue”

          uhhh, my adoptive and biological families are my true and permanent families, and the benefits of both have not disappeared for me at all because I consider my entire family my family.
          Isn’t that what “they” want? The adoptee to feel secure with their family?

          It must be a tiring life thinking in such an insecure way. Made me mad when my parents did it, and I refuse to allow it in my family 🙂 absolutely refuse to accept that crap from anyone, especially those that claim to love me!

          Sometimes when someone is pushed off the boat into the insecure true and permanent sea they insist they must have – they find that it is impossible to get back in the boat until they suck it up and simply believe and trust that others on this earth can truly love them for who they are, not for who they want to be.

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  6. beth62

    May 25, 2015 at 3:58 pm

    Holding up my mirror to this guy to see what he’s saying to himself

    “…Law and society must continue to respect the adoptive family as the adopted person’s true and permanent family, in order for those benefits to continue”

    It really is sad to me that someone would need to hold this belief to be able to feel like, or to be, someone’s true and permanent parent.
    The insecurity is astounding.
    Yet when we see it plainly, we don’t dare point it out to most adopted parents LOL unless we want to be talked to like we are 7 years old, and told how wrong we are and why…

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    • belleinblue

      May 25, 2015 at 4:48 pm

      I watch my son being raised with that insecurity on the part of his mom. She doesn’t realize, nor care, what that is doing to him. What she cares about is how she feels about adoption. How having to have me the big bad birthmom and adoptee (which I don’t think she ever remembers) around. She care about how much that infringes on her being a mom, which again, speaks to her insecurity.

      I will give my folks this, if they were insecure about things I didn’t know it at the time. I know now that my mom sometimes struggled with it. That wasn’t my burden to bear though, and she knew it.

      I think these days we are seen as the “fixer” for infertility, maybe not by our own parents, but by society. How many times have heard, “just adopt” when I mention my secondary infertility. Sigh, not happening. I’d rather spend my money on the four leggers, crafts, and travel. Funny how people think that I’m yearning for a kid though and that adoption will just repair all that. I didn’t plan on a life without raising a child, but it is what it is, and I’m ok with it for the most part.

      Ok, not really sure why all this rambling came out, it is amazing what happens when you’re in your office alone on a holiday.

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      • beth62

        May 26, 2015 at 6:34 pm

        I could feel the insecurity in my parents at times, especially at reunion, (which is understandable – I found insecurity/fear in the relationship on my end too, especially at reunion).
        They ‘ve managed to struggle on with it and didn’t put it on me too much.
        They are determined and loyal people in other areas of life too, I know that helped/helps me find security in our relationship.

        I see (read) the insecurity online with others all the time, but I have never seen anything my parents might type online about it, so I might have a different opinion if I did see such a thing!
        I do know one thing about them, they would have associated with my bio family in some way if they knew that was a good thing to do for me. They always visited or kept in touch with people in their families – even when it was a pain – just because that is what they believed you are supposed to do.
        So I am pretty sure if some professional told them it would/could be good for me and us to have some kind of contact they would have made it happen.

        “What she cares about is how she feels about adoption. How having to have me the big bad birthmom and adoptee (which I don’t think she ever remembers) around. She care about how much that infringes on her being a mom, which again, speaks to her insecurity.”

        I think about this a lot. And I get what a pain it is to make arrangements to meet with other people, and to talk to the kids about it. It is, it just is sometimes LOL BTDT. Doesn’t mean you don’t want to see them, or anyone else to see them, sometimes it just means you’re LAZY! I think this is a typical thing for lots of people when it comes to family relationships. (not saying that is what is going on with you Belle! keep reading lol)

        My beliefs come from some of the kids that have lived here, and were able to keep in touch with family. I struggled sometimes. It was easy with the family members I liked LOL some of them eventually came to live here too. But the annoying ones seemed like such a waste of time, and didn’t seem to be much good for the kids. But, me being me, I knew it meant something to them, if not now, later it would. And I made them do it even when they didn’t want to. Good or bad experiences, as adults, every single one of them has thanked me for making them do it.

        But this is different, I do think about adoption differently, I never sought to adopt anyone, I even refused when it was pushed on me, I have never adopted anyone and I never will unless I get pushed into some corner of no way around.

        [which reminds me of another thing – I think people expect adopted people to adopt, or to want to adopt to pay back what was done for them, like we owe, ugh]

        I wasn’t trying to be “Mom”. There were no infringements on that, only on my time. I ran into people of all ages, 9 days to 99 yrs old, that needed somewhere sane and safe to stay, I had that somewhere just sitting there. They needed a safe school to attend, I went there everyday anyway. They were hungry, I had food. They needed money, I had jobs. They needed to belong somewhere, I offered and they choose here. (Oh, btw, we have a trailer park and campground, businesses and farm, and are surrounded by military people, and lots of retired people and neighbors that chip in and…)

        When people came around to visit, or the kids left for a visit, I could not help but think how my thinking would be different if I was trying to be THE Mom, The Real Mom.
        I did not like that feeling at all!

        I think I probably even went in the opposite direction by insisting their mom’s where their Mom’s, to them and to their Moms. I did not once step on that relationship, I attempted to heal it or them.
        Looking back, I never asked them to think of me as Mom. I acted like their Mom, most of them called and still call me Mom or some variation of it, I get Mother’s Day cards and presents, when they hold up a sign or wave “Hi Mom” on video I know which ones mean me their Mom. I worry about them and have hopes for them like their Mom, and they know it. I wear my military Mom t-shirts they gave me all the time. “ARMY MOM Don’t confuse your rank with my authority” haha. (these shirts get me the best seats, service and cause speeding tickets and requests for misc. donations to *poof* disappear!)
        But I know, that they know, I made sure that they know who their Mom is, and it ain’t me.

        Now Grandmother… that’s a whole new ball game! In my world I have made a new rule, a new proclamation – The One that catches the newborn sweet and beautiful orange headed black baby Josie girl is THE Grandma, not just a REAL Grandma, but the #1 Grandma, and the very BEST and FAVORITE Grandma.
        And that is how it’s gonna be 🙂
        ’cause this little one is gonna need ME and the universe knew it. So all these other nosey old ladies that think they know somebody better back up a little 🙂

        Thank goodness life can be filled with Grandmothers, and a little “Grandma” competition is expected and healthy, right?

        sorry, stuck in the office alone LOL and would rather do this than work!

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