This post has brewed in my mind for a long time, and yet, still comes out choppy. It’s the best I can do. I’d imagine some adoptees will agree, others won’t. I’d guess some parents by adoption (and even by birth) may disagree. I’ve only written one post here on a new adoption, someone I knew personally – and even then, I chose my words carefully.
I can be thankful an adoption has happened when the child needed a new home, and I am close enough to the situation, to be thankful it happened, and to whom.
I can’t be thankful for every adoption that has happened. Sometimes, I’m neutral about an adoption because on the surface it seems right, other times I can be very upset, when it seems like ethics were left by the wayside. It bothers me how others can think every adoption that happens is so wonderful, regardless if it’s the first time they ever heard the people’s names. I can’t imagine being that naïve to think that every adoption that happens is the best thing for the baby, their parents by birth, and that the people adopting are the best ever parents and everybody should be thrilled.
There is also the another aspect weaves into the discussion – the terms used. Even when I am thankful an adoption happened, I can’t celebrate that it happened. I just can’t because that would be celebrating a huge loss, not just for the child, but for the parents by birth as well, even if that loss needed to happen to keep the child safe. The loss still happened, and I don’t celebrate loss.
I didn’t celebrate when dad passed away, even though I was thankful that he wouldn’t suffer anymore. Can you see the difference I’m trying to paint between celebrating and being thankful? That’s how I distinguish the two in my mind. That’s why I won’t celebrate adoption, even the most extreme cases where it means the child had a chance to live – they still lost their entire family, even if that family wasn’t good, they lost them, and I don’t celebrate loss. Instead, I can be thankful. Even if they state they are celebrating the new beginning, I can’t, and won’t celebrate it, because it only happened because the loss happened first, and I see both as part of the same.
If an adoptee wants to celebrate their adoption, or someone else’s adoption – that’s their right, just like my right is to not celebrate it, rather be thankful when it needs to happen and the child ends up with parents who are empathetic, aware, and secure in who they are.