Had enough of this, we aren’t in high school anymore…

05 Mar

Imagine what it would be like if those challenged by infertility, or pregnancy losses were split into two groups.  One group grappled with the very deep feelings of pain, inadequacy, losses that were directly caused from not being able to have children.  The other group would include people like me who when I was ready and wanted to have another child, couldn’t have one because I waited too long, I adjusted quickly and continued on.  That doesn’t give me the right to dismiss how others feel who can’t have children, I’m not them, they aren’t me.  It doesn’t give me the right to blame how they feel on their genetics, how they were raised, how positive or negative they are naturally.  I don’t get to mock them to make myself feel like I’m better, or stronger, more well-rounded.

And it would not help them, it would hurt them.  It would also make them feel less-than, bad, make them wonder if something was wrong with them for not being able to just get over that very real loss and the pain that goes with that.

I know, what am I talking about?  I’m getting there, I promise.

I’m tired of people who want to box in adoptees who have felt challenged by grief from never knowing their mother or father, felt abandoned, rejected, had trust issues, or just bad about having been adopted, if they had self-esteem issues because they believed something wrong with them is why they weren’t kept, whatever way they felt, they felt it, and feel it.

Feelings are feelings, they are reflections of what it means to be human.

What I’m feeling right now is sick and tired of people bashing adoptees, applying labels, mocking them, creating images with words of a one-sided person who never feels all the emotions we are capable of feeling, only anger.

I’m especially tired of this divisiveness by other adoptees.  It makes me angry.

The same type of anger that I used to feel when I attended church, and would listen to grown-ups talking to other people, and they would have nothing but good things to say to, and about them, yet, as soon as their back was turned, their voices reduced to whispers, and ugly words would spew out of their mouths about how they really felt about ‘those’ people.  It’s amazing to me how two-faced they could be.  The anger is at the hypocrisy and shallowness.

No one is ever angry all the time, nor happy either.  We are all able to, and do, feel every emotion humanely possible based on what has happened in our life, or happening now.  We are shaped by our lived experiences.  Whether we promote adoption, are against adoption, speak critically about what is missing in adoption today, or have issues and challenges that stem from being born in one family and raised in another.

We need to stop labelling, belittling, and dividing adoptees – we need to be focusing on fixing what is wrong with adoption.

Things that should be important to all adoptees such as deporting adults who were adopted as children from other countries, and their parents failed them by not obtaining their citizenship.  Real, live, adoptees who are going to be deported back to the country they were born in because their adoptive parents failed them.

This matters, instead of this stupidity of needing to be seen as better than another.  We need to do better, we are better, and we should all be damn angry this is still happening 15 years later.

The Deportation of International Adoptees Must Stop and make sure you read about Adam Crapser.  I deleted the original link and replaced it with this link.


Posted by on March 5, 2015 in Adoption


Tags: , ,

11 responses to “Had enough of this, we aren’t in high school anymore…

  1. eagoodlife

    March 5, 2015 at 10:27 pm

    So very true. Plenty of wrongs to fix in adoption both now and from the past.


  2. eagoodlife

    March 5, 2015 at 10:28 pm

    Reblogged this on The Life Of Von and commented:
    Plenty to fix in adoption from the past and in the present.


  3. Lara/Trace

    March 5, 2015 at 10:45 pm

    I feel you when you wrote this. We have the right to be human – with all our feelings. I have to rest for weeks and not read blogs since they do speak truth and yet I feel we are facing the mountain of propaganda and can’t reach the top of the power structure who created this and now refuse to acknowledge it in any meaningful way. I do feel you and I wish we had more power to change things.


  4. Adoptee In Recovery

    March 6, 2015 at 1:55 pm

    Bravo! Do you mind if I share this with the “How Does it Feel to be Adopted?” Page?


  5. Paige Adams Strickland

    March 9, 2015 at 11:36 am



  6. Luanne

    November 2, 2016 at 11:48 pm

    I searched to see if you had talked about the Adam Crapser case and found this. My mom and my kids all sent me emails about the latest update this week. He is still being held very uncomfortably–and they still intend to deport him! I can’t even believe it. I live in Arizona where so many people come here from other countries without permission or papers, and they are going to send back a guy who is certainly culturally American and only not so in a legal sense because he was cheated by two sets of adoptive parents AND fell into an abyss within the “adoption system.”


    • TAO

      November 3, 2016 at 1:04 am

      I did post about Adam but not by name, more on the immediate need for the Adoptee Citizenship Act to be passed.

      I don’t understand how the entire adoptive parent community is not in an uproar because if anything states adoption is not considered a valid way to form a family this does.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Luanne

        November 3, 2016 at 1:17 am

        You’re right. You did. I don’t know. it’s beyond me. It ought to be a cause that unites both adoptees and adoptive parents. I get so riled up every time I think about it.


        • TAO

          November 3, 2016 at 3:13 am

          Me too…and it makes me sad at the sheer amount of apathy…this has been trying to be fixed for 15 years…

          Liked by 1 person

          • beth62

            November 3, 2016 at 3:06 pm

            A politician lawyer dude told me instead of naming Mr Casper, one of many, name the law/act and the people responsible for it and those responsible for making changes now. No one feels sorry for them, so their normal response is to be direct in communications with those responsible about what they want and expect to happen.
            Instead of just saying… aww thats not right, thats bs, blame it all on the lame parents, it’s crazy, maybe whoever it is that makes these decisions will reconsider.

            He said to call them out by name, and list contact info and maybe find and share THEIR personal and professional histories – instead of the victim’s. People tend to have a lot to say about other’s personal histories.

            So, good on you TAO for making the Act the subject of your post.
            Now maybe someone who has unlimited internet access can tell me who the people are I need to be talking about and at 🙂 LOL
            Other than the drowning in data congressmen I’ve spoken to already…



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