I wasn’t going to talk about this but while editing another post for the umpteenth time and it’s still not right, it struck me that I am in one of those times where both regular and adopted grief and loss is happening, to me, now. There’s a reason why I’ve been less personal lately…and I never expected it…
I’m in the process of becoming the parent to mom, I expected it because I believe in genetics and that’s what happened with grandma. It’s been happening to mom bit by bit for a while, but now, it’s in a new phase. I’m fine (there’s that word again) with taking this on, happy to in fact, but it’s hard, harder than I remember it being on mom when she did that for grandma. I’m not talking about physically demanding, or even the emotions watching her become less of who she was, because I know what to expect, and it’s part of life that must be expected, and accepted. I’m so thankful she’s been so good both mentally and physically for far longer than most ever will.
What’s hard is that I’m so very different from mom, and I can see I’m not meeting the expectations of what her daughter would be like, and doing at this point if I’d been biological, like she was with her mom, sameness, if that makes any sense. Perhaps a final grieving of not being able to have children, regret for what wasn’t, showing through. Little things said that I know would never have been said when the filter was on, and they sting because I can’t be anyone but me, yet logically, I know, any child they had could have turned out to be more like dad than mom. I also know that those feelings seeping through, take nothing away from her love for me, or that I am her daughter, so no worries on that aspect, it’s all good.
Intersecting those feelings is what is harder to talk about, that I missed any part of my mother’s life, because I was adopted – that sounds very selfish, and it brings forth feelings of guilt in both directions, and yet, I can’t do anything about it, those feelings are very real, triggered by what’s happening to mom, knowing that in the not so distant future mom won’t be here either. So, I’m there for mom, but not in the way she’d prefer me to be because I’m not like her, and, it’s also reminding me that I wasn’t in time for my mother, and the guilt of the should have, could have tried harder in searching, or pushing for some type of contact sooner, regardless if I was successful or not. Oh those should have, could have, would have feelings, they can play some serious mind games on your soul, who knew that would be triggered by what mom is going through. Perhaps it’s simply a good reminder to be there for mom.
So, at the end of the this rambling, all I know is that I’m trying my best to be there for mom like she’s always been there for me. I also don’t want any regrets looking back and am able to make sure that doesn’t happen. At the end of the day it will have to be enough. Why does being adopted have to be so complicated?