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Links to posts on late discovery…

16 Feb

Not that I can ever imagine what a Late Discovery Adoptee (LDA) goes through, I’m sure it would break my heart and take a long time to come to any level of peace.  I’m also sure there are many future LDA’s that will find out when their parents pass away and they deal with the estate paperwork, or decide one day to innocently take a DNA test that has become such a popular tool.  Why did any parent think it was proper to lie to their child, especially, when others around them know the truth.  Today there are parents of adopted children who don’t want to, or intend to tell, still.  To me it’s selfishness of the worst kind, setting your child up for a heart-breaking discovery down the road, all to make you feel ‘real’ and keep your secrets.  I have a hard time understanding anyone who willingly chooses not to tell – how can you parent your child with such a huge lie between you?

The adoptee in this story may have not been told the truth when she was, but for casually mentioning at a family dinner that she was considering dna testing.  Now she is dealing with the fall-out that she has been lied to by her parents her entire life.  How can anyone process that type of revelation?  How can anyone do that to their child?  Closed Adoption Secret Unveiled

There are others who weren’t told, enough of them to have coined the term that concisely explains what happened to them, Late Discovery Adoptee.  Another LDA commented on the post above and part of her comment resonated with me:

“The essence of keeping the secret tells us that it’s bad we were adopted. That coupled with the most important people lying to us for a very long time about our birth and beginning.”

 

Switching gears to donor conception and people not telling.

It’s easier to pretend, until it isn’t, then it’s hard, harder than having your child always just know who they are.  Lessons for non-tellers from late tellers  I don’t know if those who found out later have coined a term that makes it readily understood that they were lied to their entire lives, until the secret came out.  Still shaking my head that the powers that be assumed that adoption had no lessons to teach them, arrogance is what that was, and still is, today…

From the donor conception post above a snippet of what Olivia wrote:

“Most of us dislike lying, particularly to those we are close to.  We teach our children to tell the truth yet at the heart of non-telling families is an untruth that is about as big as it could be.  The people who should be setting a child’s moral compass are deliberately misleading them about a genetic dis-connect in the family.”

 

I agree with the statement above, parents living in denial need to wake up to what they are doing both to their kids, and their relationship.  Telling won’t make your child – less your child, or you less their parent, it will make your relationship better because that you won’t be waiting for your lie to be exposed.  At the end of the day, the comment by the LDA that lying tells them that it’s bad to be adopted, also applies to donor conception – lying says being donor conceived is bad…think about that before you begin a lie you will have between you, truth is always better.

PS…not to mention the risk you put on that child who assumes their parents family health history is their history, environment is not strong enough to overcome genes that predispose you to hereditary diseases, it just isn’t.

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10 Comments

Posted by on February 16, 2015 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

Tags: , , ,

10 responses to “Links to posts on late discovery…

  1. libinok

    February 16, 2015 at 8:42 pm

    As a LDA, thank you for covering this subject. I found out at 32. My life changed completely!

    Like

     
    • TAO

      February 16, 2015 at 8:49 pm

      I’m so sorry you found out so very late – it must have been so very hard…

      Like

       
    • Anon again

      February 20, 2015 at 12:47 am

      I am so sorry. It must shake one to one to the core.

      Like

       
  2. iwishiwasadopted

    February 16, 2015 at 10:04 pm

    I know a woman who has never told her husband, and her son that she is adopted! She claims it’s so “under the radar” that she never thinks of it. Is there a name for that?

    Like

     
    • TAO

      February 16, 2015 at 10:15 pm

      Not that I know of but it seems pretty strange to not say anything – how could she cover up the lack of family health history at the doctors with her kid?

      Like

       
      • Beth

        February 19, 2015 at 1:38 pm

        I know several people who only claim their adopted family health history and ancestry.
        A couple have given up on that idea over the years, but the others I doubt ever will.
        I don’t get it, it doesn’t look good on them, for many reasons, imo.
        That way of thinking seems much more difficult to me!
        But, that’s their story and they are sticking to it.

        Like

         
  3. eagoodlife

    February 16, 2015 at 10:43 pm

    Fairly easy I’d say if one has intent! I’d call it being so deep inn the fog she can’t see at all.

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  4. butterfly923

    February 16, 2015 at 11:03 pm

    I found out at 45 years old after my adoptive parents passed by an aunt. I really didn’t need to know. Since then, I have found my birth mother and have a friend type of relationship with her. I was better with the parents I got. I had an awesome childhood and perfect parents.. No offense to my birth mother, she seems nice enough, but she did give me away.

    Like

     
  5. Heather

    February 19, 2015 at 9:08 am

    So much unnecessary pain and damaged being caused. My son is one who is being lied to in 2015. One day I hope to be able to tell him I never wanted to be kept a secret from him.

    Like

     
  6. irmaavalishvili

    April 19, 2015 at 6:42 pm

    Reblogged this on irmaavalishvili.

    Like

     

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