Not that I can ever imagine what a Late Discovery Adoptee (LDA) goes through, I’m sure it would break my heart and take a long time to come to any level of peace. I’m also sure there are many future LDA’s that will find out when their parents pass away and they deal with the estate paperwork, or decide one day to innocently take a DNA test that has become such a popular tool. Why did any parent think it was proper to lie to their child, especially, when others around them know the truth. Today there are parents of adopted children who don’t want to, or intend to tell, still. To me it’s selfishness of the worst kind, setting your child up for a heart-breaking discovery down the road, all to make you feel ‘real’ and keep your secrets. I have a hard time understanding anyone who willingly chooses not to tell – how can you parent your child with such a huge lie between you?
The adoptee in this story may have not been told the truth when she was, but for casually mentioning at a family dinner that she was considering dna testing. Now she is dealing with the fall-out that she has been lied to by her parents her entire life. How can anyone process that type of revelation? How can anyone do that to their child? Closed Adoption Secret Unveiled
There are others who weren’t told, enough of them to have coined the term that concisely explains what happened to them, Late Discovery Adoptee. Another LDA commented on the post above and part of her comment resonated with me:
“The essence of keeping the secret tells us that it’s bad we were adopted. That coupled with the most important people lying to us for a very long time about our birth and beginning.”
Switching gears to donor conception and people not telling.
It’s easier to pretend, until it isn’t, then it’s hard, harder than having your child always just know who they are. Lessons for non-tellers from late tellers I don’t know if those who found out later have coined a term that makes it readily understood that they were lied to their entire lives, until the secret came out. Still shaking my head that the powers that be assumed that adoption had no lessons to teach them, arrogance is what that was, and still is, today…
From the donor conception post above a snippet of what Olivia wrote:
“Most of us dislike lying, particularly to those we are close to. We teach our children to tell the truth yet at the heart of non-telling families is an untruth that is about as big as it could be. The people who should be setting a child’s moral compass are deliberately misleading them about a genetic dis-connect in the family.”
I agree with the statement above, parents living in denial need to wake up to what they are doing both to their kids, and their relationship. Telling won’t make your child – less your child, or you less their parent, it will make your relationship better because that you won’t be waiting for your lie to be exposed. At the end of the day, the comment by the LDA that lying tells them that it’s bad to be adopted, also applies to donor conception – lying says being donor conceived is bad…think about that before you begin a lie you will have between you, truth is always better.
PS…not to mention the risk you put on that child who assumes their parents family health history is their history, environment is not strong enough to overcome genes that predispose you to hereditary diseases, it just isn’t.