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Good article that sparked discussions about the amended birth certificate…

28 Dec

By TAO

Interesting article by an adoptee who is also becoming an adoptive parent.

I don’t want my name on my daughters birth certificate

Anyways, as always, it’s been interesting to see the reaction by adoptive parents.  I’m happy to say that many agreed with author of the article, on the FB Adoptive Family page with about 90 comments that about 40-45% percent agreed.  Minds are changing.  That thread included the author of the article, and an adoptive parent that vehemently disagreed.  My oh my, I felt sorry for the author but I’m not a member so I couldn’t respond…

The author noted in one comment that she’d been reunited for years, but hadn’t told her parents, even though they had said they’d support her, she didn’t want to include them.  So what does the AP who vehemently disagreed say?

God I would hope that my son would never HIDE from us if he had a relationship with his BF as an adult! What a slap in the face to the family that raised u. Wow. Just wow! How awful! And just plain mean. I sure hope others feel the way I feel on this. Or I may just be the minority! Shame

And after being told it was exactly that attitude of entitlement that causes adoptees to not share…

But why do u feel the need to hide it!? It’s not about your parents. It’s about how you are hiding something from them. Wow. Just wow!!

Another adoptive parent told her to that her tone was confrontational, and another parent tried to explain what the upset adoptive parent was saying in a different way…

…was trying to say was that as an AP most parents would love to be involved and help their children find their BP. It’s such a big life changing event. They want to be there if something good or bad happens. Hopefully, it turns out good and get to learn just like you about your family.

Perhaps some do, I doubt the upset disagreeing poster felt that way, and I’m not sure if I could put it into words that wouldn’t offend any adoptive parents reading this, but it includes insecurity, ownership, and a sense of entitlement to be part of perhaps the most emotional journey a grown adoptee in a closed no info adoption ever undertakes.

I can’t even begin to imagine the pressure the adoptee would be under knowing your parents are scrutinizing (what it would feel like) your meeting of your mother (and/or father) that brought you into this world.  Talk about pressure to make sure everyone else, except you, is feeling secure, don’t be too excited, turn and seek approval that you are handling it right, do they look upset, maybe pretend like this is really not a big deal, just like meeting some friend.  That wouldn’t have worked for me, even just meeting a relative for the first time was probably the scariest, and yet, one of the most emotional amazing moments I can recall.  I can’t imagine ever allowing anyone to witness it if I had had the chance to meet my mother.  I wouldn’t have felt free to just be me.  I didn’t keep it a secret seeing as mom petitioned the court for me – but I would not have invited her to be present to such an intimate highly emotional occasion, and she wouldn’t have expected, or wanted to be there.  Not something adoptive parents should expect they should be present for, when the adoptee is an adult – of course there will be exceptions, I’m sure.

Unless you tell your parents everything that happens to you, should you really need your child to tell you everything they choose to do as an adult?  I didn’t tell my parents half of what was going on in my life unless they needed to know.  Even my divorce which took a full year, I didn’t tell them about, until it was almost over, and then I briefly explained what was happening.  Very personal things you shouldn’t feel obligated to share, with anyone, until you want too, if you ever do..

What is the solution to the amended birth certificate?  Who knows, and I’m sure nothing will happen very soon. I will tell you that in the UK they don’t amend the original birth certificate, the adoption certificate is what is used after an adoption as proof of your legal identity (for life), and your parents proof they are the legal parents.  This works for them.  I have yet to hear that they can’t find any people to adopt because they don’t get to see their names stating that they gave birth to that child, on that specific day, in that hospital, all signed off by the doctor.  Nor have I read about adoptive parents having issues with having to show an adoption certificate because it’s their norm.

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23 Comments

Posted by on December 28, 2014 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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23 responses to “Good article that sparked discussions about the amended birth certificate…

  1. L4R

    December 28, 2014 at 11:48 pm

    It took me a while to tell my mother that I found my other mother and father. She wouldn’t have been able to handle it any earlier than I had told her.

    And, it’s an odd place to be in. My b-dad doesn’t ask about my a-family. My a-mom doesn’t ask about my b-dad. They just aren’t interested in each other. I am sure the experience is different for each adoptee.

    But, I certainly find it strange that people think our a-parents deserve to know. My a-family is not related to my b-family. I don’t tell my family everything about my life, and if parents believe they have the right to know about our lives, it points to the idea of adoptees as perpetual children. It points to the idea of parental ownership of adoptees.

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    • TAO

      December 28, 2014 at 11:54 pm

      I agree L4R – it seems though, to be a growing assumption…(your comments will now automatically post)

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  2. AdoptiveBlackMom

    December 29, 2014 at 1:14 am

    I’ve been watching that thread and some of the blogs posts/articles that have been inspired by it. Wow! I know every time I pull out Hope’s birth certificate I feel weird. I didn’t give birth to her and yet it suggests that I did. It’s just weird and wrong.

    I don’t feel entitled to know everything about Hope’s life. She’s a young teen now and we’re learning boundaries about sharing as it is! I want her to tell me everything that she’s comfortable telling me. My job is less about expecting/forcing her to tell me things–including her need/desire to reach out to members of her extended b-family–and more about creating an environment where she wants to. I think that parents (all parents) forget that that’s a core part of parenting really is.

    As always a thoughtful post, Tao! Thanks for your voice.

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    • TAO

      December 29, 2014 at 2:54 pm

      Thanks ABM…I think the ABC is a very divisive issue – some desperately seem to need the validation, despite others telling them that the parent child relationship is about far more than names written on a piece of paper – the adoption created the relationship but it’s what you do after that, that determines what the connection is, or isn’t…:) Others turn summer-saults trying to show that a ‘birth certificate’ or ‘certificate of live birth’ with their names on it do not in anyway state they gave birth to the person listed on the certificate – my eyes always start rolling when I hear that – it’s called a birth certificate not a legal parentage and identity certificate.

      I’ve always been a very private person (despite writing this blog) and I’ve been given the respect of being able to share when, and if, I’m ready – not by demands that *I* tell them…half a century – and not to say that mom hasn’t grumbled about it at times, but not in a way that made me feel guilty, if that makes any sense. Happy New Year to you and yours…

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  3. Beth

    December 29, 2014 at 5:46 am

    ahh the slap in the face comment. My favorite. I heard that from so many people just for wanting to know my families, as well as for not telling for quite a while. And from people I would never expect to hear it from, it was shocking.

    I don’t tell my parents about a lot of things, especially those things they don’t want to hear.

    I don’t tell them everything about my husband, my in-laws, my friends, my drinking friends haha, my job, my health, my hobbies, not even my kids. They don’t tell me everything either.

    It’s a long slap in the face when no interest is shown all along.

    It’s a slap in the face when you only hear Statements like: “If you ever decide to, we will support you.”
    It’s a slap in the face growing up dealing with insecurities in your adult parents and their fear present, and the threat of being disloyal, of popping the bubble they need so badly, and feeling the need to hide things for their sake, or never even go there, for them.

    It’s a slap in the face when Questions like these aren’t asked:

    Do YOU want to know your first family? (Um, if the answer is “No, I’m fine, it’s all fine.” that feeling of needing to hide it is typically already there)

    Do YOU want me to help search, be there for you, go with you, be involved – or would it be better if I stayed in the background and be here when you need me?

    I can do whatever you need me to do, I’ll be fine, this is about YOU, not me, this will be harder for you than for me, what can I do to help YOU?

    What is YOUR opinion?
    What is YOUR Plan?
    What do YOU feel comfortable with?
    What do YOU want?

    Now that I think about it LOL I think I asked all of those questions of my daughter about her fella and family, her wedding, HER day.
    I know some moms that didn’t approach it in that way at all LOL
    And they didn’t get invited to the bachelorette party like I did 🙂 and they didn’t get asked to sleep all night next to their daughter on the night before they gave her away.

    I agree, it’s all about creating an environment where they want to include you. And an environment that can still be comfortable if they don’t want to include you.
    It’s not all about whether they include YOU or not.

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    • TAO

      December 29, 2014 at 2:57 pm

      Everyone should read this comment you just wrote Beth – and I do mean everyone….

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      • cb

        December 29, 2014 at 9:36 pm

        Tao, you said what I was about to say!

        Beth, what you said was perfect 🙂

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        • Beth

          December 30, 2014 at 4:31 pm

          I really believe it, what I said, and live by it.
          It took me about 30 years of motherhood to figure it out LOL
          Hopefully, in time, the scolding mother who posted will too – like it or not!

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  4. TAO

    December 29, 2014 at 4:44 pm

    Just adding in links to other blog posts that stem from the article I linked to in this post…if you find others feel free to link to them as well.

    http://thebeautifulopportunity.wordpress.com/2014/12/28/birth-certificates-erasing-birth-parents-names/
    https://allmypretty.wordpress.com/2014/12/27/why-original-birth-certificates-matter/comment-page-1/#comment-1537

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  5. Cherry

    December 29, 2014 at 11:11 pm

    As someone whose son was adopted by strangers within the closed system when he was newborn and I was 16, and who didn’t see each other again for thirty years, it was terribly important that we had the time to listen to the subtlest and deepest of our inner feelings when we met again. I think it’s imperative that nothing whatsoever disturbs that time – it is something that belongs solely to the mother and child who were once separated and are now in each other’s presence again. I feel everyone should respect that wholly.

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    • TAO

      December 30, 2014 at 2:11 pm

      Cherry, that’s how I feel as well.

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  6. anenomekym

    December 30, 2014 at 2:55 am

    Wow, just finished reading that thread.

    I do feel some progress in unsealing records and having hopefully more honest and accurate records available for adoptees, but it does surprise me when AP’s like CCMS feel so much entitlement to barge in on other people’s personal lives. I wonder if she would be hurt if she wasn’t present at her child’s first kiss, date, or loss of virginity too?

    I wish people like her with such aggressive entitlement weren’t allowed to adopt.

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    • TAO

      December 30, 2014 at 2:11 pm

      Funny, as I was trying to find the words – those were my thoughts too…

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  7. amarie1scf

    December 30, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    I am adopted and in August found my huge Paraguayan family. Im blessed that my adoptive parents took the journey with me. It was a crazy emotional not to mention a long expensive journey. Communication, respect and support was exactly what i needed and thank God it is what I got because the search is scary in itself. If i didn’t have the support of my parents I may have not chosen to take the much needed journey. My parents know that if it wasn’t for Maria I wouldn’t be alive. They acknowledge that. I think they have a slight fear of her and my relationship but they do their best to mask it and I appreciate it. Also, they know they raised me and nurtured me and i’ll never forget that.

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    • TAO

      December 30, 2014 at 2:10 pm

      It must have been a wonderful journey…

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      • amarie1scf

        December 30, 2014 at 9:28 pm

        Yes and im hoping to publish my first book next year!!

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    • Beth

      December 30, 2014 at 4:10 pm

      I’m so glad you were able to share that with your parents, and they were able to be there for you. And very happy you got to meet your family that is so far away!
      No doubt they have worries and feelings of their own to deal with.

      It’s not easy, I’ve gotten a taste of sharing my kids with other families, and some I have to share with the armed forces. It’s hard to trust others with someone so dear to you.

      Letting them go is never easy, no matter why it is. All parents have to eventually, and I’ve found that to be the hardest part!

      My mother had to let me go the second I was born, she set me free in the world, it certainly wasn’t easy for her, or me. Eventually I learned that all parents have to do it at some point. So glad I didn’t have to do it at second 1 with mine. 😦

      I still have days when I get jealous of my daughter’s mother-in-law. Worry about how she will influence my baby girl. Get annoyed or upset when she annoys or upsets my daughter. It’s a hard thing, even when I really like her MIL and know she adores my daughter and wants only good things for her son and daughter in-law.
      Those feelings pass quickly – and make for a really good laugh once they do 🙂
      I do far better with it than she does with me and her son LOL
      We’ll see how it goes if they bring some kids in the mix.
      My husband is already making his plans of how to be the favorite grandpa…

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  8. Momengineer

    December 30, 2014 at 5:41 pm

    Thanks for opening up the subject.
    My Daughter is adopted from China. I have always used her original birth certificate and our adoption certificate issued in China. The American document is a fake, to me. I have never had the documents rejected and no one has ever made a comment, with the exception of noting how cute her baby picture is on her birth certificate.
    I am responsible for my daughter leaving her home country so it just makes sense to pay the expenses of her eventual search. At her request, I’ve done a bit of research already.
    Too many parents forget we are raising future adults. The journey begins with knowing everything, then should evolve to trusting this adult to care for themselves in every way.

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    • TAO

      December 30, 2014 at 5:44 pm

      What a wonderful way to describe parenthood – raising future adults. If you visit again your comments will automatically post.

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    • Jess

      January 4, 2015 at 12:52 am

      Yeah, sorry to burst your bubble but your daughter’s China birth certificate is fake too. Didn’t you know that?

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  9. valentinelogar

    January 1, 2015 at 3:20 pm

    Last year another sibling was found. She is only a couple of years younger than I am, she is my BF child, also adopted. I think she is likely the only child he didn’t know about. She had a different BM than I. She found us through 23 and Me. She has not told her AP’s yet about finding us, connecting with us. She has not searched for her BM and at this point doesn’t intend to.

    Thirty two years ago, when I searched and found my BP, my father fully supported me; on the other hand, my mother was kept in the dark for months. It is, I think, all about relationships.

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    • TAO

      January 1, 2015 at 3:24 pm

      Hey Val, no idea why you went into moderation…

      It is about relationships and the one adopted should not be shamed and talked down to because no one knows the dynamics at play…

      Happy New Year – I wish you the best.

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      • valentinelogar

        January 1, 2015 at 3:43 pm

        I have been bouncing into a great number of peoples moderation lately, no clue.

        Happy 2015 to you also.

        I suspect we have different relationships with different people. I knew I could rely upon and trust my AF, he would have my back and support me. I also knew my AM would be polar opposite, think only of herself and what she wanted, what was in it for her. Thus the difference for me.

        For my new sister, I think right now she simply wants to sort out her own feelings. Her finding us, well it wasn’t intentional.

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