Interesting article by an adoptee who is also becoming an adoptive parent.
Anyways, as always, it’s been interesting to see the reaction by adoptive parents. I’m happy to say that many agreed with author of the article, on the FB Adoptive Family page with about 90 comments that about 40-45% percent agreed. Minds are changing. That thread included the author of the article, and an adoptive parent that vehemently disagreed. My oh my, I felt sorry for the author but I’m not a member so I couldn’t respond…
The author noted in one comment that she’d been reunited for years, but hadn’t told her parents, even though they had said they’d support her, she didn’t want to include them. So what does the AP who vehemently disagreed say?
God I would hope that my son would never HIDE from us if he had a relationship with his BF as an adult! What a slap in the face to the family that raised u. Wow. Just wow! How awful! And just plain mean. I sure hope others feel the way I feel on this. Or I may just be the minority! Shame
And after being told it was exactly that attitude of entitlement that causes adoptees to not share…
But why do u feel the need to hide it!? It’s not about your parents. It’s about how you are hiding something from them. Wow. Just wow!!
Another adoptive parent told her to that her tone was confrontational, and another parent tried to explain what the upset adoptive parent was saying in a different way…
…was trying to say was that as an AP most parents would love to be involved and help their children find their BP. It’s such a big life changing event. They want to be there if something good or bad happens. Hopefully, it turns out good and get to learn just like you about your family.
Perhaps some do, I doubt the upset disagreeing poster felt that way, and I’m not sure if I could put it into words that wouldn’t offend any adoptive parents reading this, but it includes insecurity, ownership, and a sense of entitlement to be part of perhaps the most emotional journey a grown adoptee in a closed no info adoption ever undertakes.
I can’t even begin to imagine the pressure the adoptee would be under knowing your parents are scrutinizing (what it would feel like) your meeting of your mother (and/or father) that brought you into this world. Talk about pressure to make sure everyone else, except you, is feeling secure, don’t be too excited, turn and seek approval that you are handling it right, do they look upset, maybe pretend like this is really not a big deal, just like meeting some friend. That wouldn’t have worked for me, even just meeting a relative for the first time was probably the scariest, and yet, one of the most emotional amazing moments I can recall. I can’t imagine ever allowing anyone to witness it if I had had the chance to meet my mother. I wouldn’t have felt free to just be me. I didn’t keep it a secret seeing as mom petitioned the court for me – but I would not have invited her to be present to such an intimate highly emotional occasion, and she wouldn’t have expected, or wanted to be there. Not something adoptive parents should expect they should be present for, when the adoptee is an adult – of course there will be exceptions, I’m sure.
Unless you tell your parents everything that happens to you, should you really need your child to tell you everything they choose to do as an adult? I didn’t tell my parents half of what was going on in my life unless they needed to know. Even my divorce which took a full year, I didn’t tell them about, until it was almost over, and then I briefly explained what was happening. Very personal things you shouldn’t feel obligated to share, with anyone, until you want too, if you ever do..
What is the solution to the amended birth certificate? Who knows, and I’m sure nothing will happen very soon. I will tell you that in the UK they don’t amend the original birth certificate, the adoption certificate is what is used after an adoption as proof of your legal identity (for life), and your parents proof they are the legal parents. This works for them. I have yet to hear that they can’t find any people to adopt because they don’t get to see their names stating that they gave birth to that child, on that specific day, in that hospital, all signed off by the doctor. Nor have I read about adoptive parents having issues with having to show an adoption certificate because it’s their norm.