Seeing pictures of family members that mirror you in so many ways…pictures of them doing things that you’ve always loved doing.
Pictures of siblings you should have grown up with. Seeing those pictures, knowing that if everything was normal, you should have shared memories of being part of that family, instead, they are complete strangers that in so many ways, mirror you.
Pictures of nieces, and nephews, that you should have memories of meeting when they were still in the hospital after coming into this world. Memories of them growing up, and becoming the next generation in your family, instead, they are complete strangers who are now young adults…that share features that you see every time you look in the mirror.
This is only a glimpse into a small part of my adoption experience…feelings I’m not good at sharing. The life that should have been, the life that was and is everything it was supposed to be, but still, I can see, and feel, what I lost…but will never regain.
How can you reconcile these feelings with all the hubris surrounding how amazing adoption is, and how wonderful it is to be adopted that are being circulated this very same month.
This part of being adopted is hard, harder than I ever thought would be…
Outside looking in…or is it..inside looking out…or back…whatever it is that I’m doing, these are the feelings, and thoughts, that have circled inside of my mind ever since I saw those pictures.