Lucky, saved, rescued…

By TAO

With November being Adoption Awareness Month and the over glorification of adoption message this month always sends, I’ve been thinking about the dreaded lucky, saved, rescued comments that get directed to adopted children, even if it is a societal message vs. a direct statement made to them.  The reason I’ve been thinking about it is that for some, it will continue to be the message reiterated over the course of their lives (we have an entire month every year dedicated to doing just that) and the broader implications of that on people who are adopted.

How those statements of lucky, saved, rescued give other people the belief that they have the right to voice their opinion on what the adoptee should, or shouldn’t do.  How it’s used to shame them for making choices on how to live their lives, whatever those choices are.  If that choice is to search, society (people) still treat them like recalcitrant children that must be told who their real parents are.  That same message is given if they remove themselves from a toxic relationship with a parent (and yes, even an adoptive relationship can be toxic).  If they are dealing with an addiction they have an added level of shame put upon them because they were given opportunities, and they failed. Even just admitting they feel loss, grief, or have anger and need help, society is there to judge them, and tell them how lucky they are, and why can’t they just move on.  Sometimes that message doesn’t even have to be reiterated, because it was given often enough while the adoptee was growing up – that everything they do they judge themselves as not being good enough, and there isn’t any point…

But you all know me by now, and that’s really not what I want to talk about today, that’s just the reason behind my thoughts below…

What I’ve seen over the years is the adoptive parents countering that message with the reverse, no, we are the lucky ones, or, she saved us, or rescued us (dependent on which word was used in the comment).  For years I’ve wondered if this is the right approach, but, I’ve hesitated to open the discussion because I don’t want anyone to think I’m telling them they’ve done it wrong.  I don’t know if what adoptive parents have done is wrong.  I’m just asking if there is a better way, a way that reduces the number of times that message is given and received over the years when the child is most impressionable, and more importantly that the parent has told them the message is wrong.  That belief that allows the societal disapproval and belief that the adopted child, now grown up can still be judged because they a so lucky, they were saved, rescued.  So adoptive parents who happen to read this – breathe, just breathe, because I’m not bashing you, just opening a discussion…

Should the response be a message that speaks to what is wrong with the statements themselves?

Of course, like everything else in life, you would need to decide whether there is any point in trying to get them to see why your child is not lucky, not saved or rescued. But, what if, instead of reversing the statement to apply to you – that you looked at the person with bewilderment, and asked the speaker point-blank something like this…

What is lucky about losing your entire family?  Do you think that is something good, or that she should be thankful for it?

I’m not sure why you would think she needed saving? Saving from what?  Do you think she needs to feel extra grateful for something she had no control over?

Why would you assume she was in danger?  What or who do you think she needed rescuing from?  What message are you trying to tell her?  That she needs to be extra good as compared to a non-adopted child?

The above are just off-the-cuff responses, and I’m sure other people more skilled in crafting words could create better responses to use, and are only meant to give you an idea of what I mean when I say is there a better way to deal with the comments.  A way to stop and get people to really think about the messages they are sending to children who are adopted, and stop and consider exactly what a child has lost, and often, what they have gone through in their very short life.  To think about the added burden they are putting on the child with their unsolicited and often ignorant preaching.  Unless people stop and think – they won’t get it.  They won’t get it because as a society we glorify adoption, no one digs deeper when everyone cheers about how wonderful adoption is.  The children are special, lucky, they’ve been given such a wonderful opportunity and they better never forget.

So, tell me your thoughts, is it better to simply reverse it, and put it on the adoptive parents?  Or is there a better way, and what way to do you think would make a difference?  Is it possible to change how people think about adoption and the burden they can place on the child with the message?