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Knowledge…

01 Nov

By TAO

In the past I’ve talked a lot about how I was challenged by the lack of physical genetic mirroring, both growing up, and in my adult life.  I’m sure pictures help in that respect for some adoptees today, and I’m thankful they have what so many of us never had.  This post is not about genetic mirroring in that respect, because it’s only scratching the surface of the topic.

I’m middle-aged, and up until this point in my life, I’ve struggled with what I see as weaknesses on my part.  I worry a lot (that’s an understatement by the way) and can’t seem to resolve that and become the person I want to be.  I’ve hated that weakness and tried to overcome it, I’m still trying to overcome it, sometimes I win, other times, not so much.  Finding out my mother was a worrier made such a difference to me.  Finding out recently that my grandmother was a worrier to the same degree I am – has meant the world to me.  It’s not just me.  I’m not a worrier just because I’m weak, I come to it naturally despite not being raised in my family of birth, I’m just like they were.  That knowledge allows me to be more gentle on myself, it doesn’t give me a free pass to use it as an excuse to not continually work on myself – but it provides me comfort in knowing it’s not just me.

Knowledge of your family of birth is power, something adoptees were, and are, commonly stripped of.  Adoptees today face that same reality unless they have a personal relationship with their family of birth, not just a picture and knowing few bits and pieces, that can only offer a mere glimpse of who that person is, nor does it offer information on what is passed down generation after generation.  Some adoptees won’t need that genetic mirroring of looks, personalities, weaknesses and strengths – others will need some, adoptees like me seem to need it a lot.

The knowledge I’ve gained has offered me a type of peace that words alone can’t begin to describe…

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13 Comments

Posted by on November 1, 2014 in Adoption

 

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13 responses to “Knowledge…

  1. rhegankim82

    November 1, 2014 at 3:54 pm

    I’m still amazed at the things that are actually nature, not nurture. Seeing not only how I look like my mom, but how similar we are in personality, sense of humor, and other things has left me free to be me. More comfortable in my own skin. I’m discovering who I actually am and who I want to be. So blessed to be in reunion.

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    • TAO

      November 1, 2014 at 3:55 pm

      I’m so happy for you – nature is powerful – living without makes it that much more amazing connecting the dots…

      Liked by 1 person

       
  2. Beth

    November 1, 2014 at 4:39 pm

    One of the biggest reliefs in my life was finding that many things are not wrong with me, it’s how I am supposed to be 🙂 exactly how I am supposed to be, and now I know, no wonder!
    It’s not just seeing similarities in pictures. My son and my half bro look somewhat similar, but you would never put them together as genetically similar – until you see them walk, until you hear their voices, until you see their similar interests and personality, and their feet – now I think they could be clones – clones that just don’t look so much alike in the face. Blows my mind.
    Me, my mother, my daughter – we all have this thing, hard to explain, it’s plain as day when you see our art, we all have it. it’s beautiful, I thought it was weird until I saw it in my daughter and my mother – now – wow – it’s amazing, and I intend to grow it bigger in us all.

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    • TAO

      November 1, 2014 at 4:47 pm

      Yes…

      Some days I think I should just give a description of something, then sit back and let everyone who has the ability to describe stuff better then I ever will – be the ones who actually write the blog post in the comments…

      Happy belated Halloween my friend – had about 80 kids stop by – had to turn out the lights after we ran out of candy – hubby was giving 3 pieces to the little ones just to piss off their parents…and 2 to the older ones…

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      • Beth

        November 2, 2014 at 1:08 pm

        You must be proud 🙂 I have a tear here. Please get that man some cake, he deserves it, job well done. It brings me such joy to see someone who was raised right! The chocolate holidays have begun, and now instead of one or two, or three, tiny little pieces we get to give them a whole box, or two, or three, at a time 🙂 Chocolate holidays are the best.

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  3. Paige Adams Strickland

    November 1, 2014 at 8:57 pm

    Absolutely!

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  4. cb

    November 1, 2014 at 10:32 pm

    Though I’ll never know my bmother, I feel like I have a lot in common with my extended bfamily. We seem to have a similar approach to life. It’s a bit hard to explain – I suppose I’ve always just “got” them.

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  5. flrpwll

    November 2, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    Yup. I was ridiculously thrilled to find out one of my half brothers hates the beach, and particularly the sand, just as much as my oldest son and I do.

    It’s such a small thing, but when *everyone* loves the beach …

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    • TAO

      November 2, 2014 at 1:31 pm

      Completely agree.

      Like

       
  6. Beth

    November 4, 2014 at 2:55 pm

    There are so many little things, I had to sit down just trying to remember them 🙂
    It was very surprising all of the “coincidences” and similarities – stuff I never expected. I looked for same eyes, same smile, same art, same smarts – and I found it all here and there and not exactly where I expected. My environment/genetic project is amazing to me, and I know it’s a never ending project.. I am so glad I was able to find what I needed to begin my project.

    The hard part is… there are no coincidences, or are there? How do ya figure that one out??? I spent a lot of time trying to notice and not notice the possible similarities, the synchronicity, the possible coincidences – I give up! I accept that there is a lot in this world that one can never figure out, it just is, and it’s often entirely too freaky.

    My dad and I had the same car, same year, same color – and the same HOUSE that we built ourselves, located in the same spot on our properties with water in the back – him a lake, me a river. We both had a log cabin that we built ourselves back in the woods near the water.

    My middle bro is a giggler like me, they said he’s giggled since day one. It’s said we both have a million different laughs. And he has been a quiet big brown eyed fish too, like me, since the beginning. The rest of ’em were shocked when we first met, all sitting at the dining room table (me not giggling too much quite yet even tho I was about to pop with excitement and nervousness), my little adult bro sits down and lets out the first giggle, it was all over then. We sat there for hours with the giggles, and it spread. My daughter and his mother talked too each other seriously about our giggling issues and realized it must be normal for us. When you’re given a t-shirt that says The Giggler – the girl with a million giggles – sort of makes you feel like something must be wrong! No one has really even mentioned the giggling since we met my bro, unless I am giggling and it makes them giggle, I guess it is not as annoying since finding it is normal for us and there isn’t much hope left that they can fix it:). haha

    Neither of us can always help the giggling, believe me I have tried my whole life, so has he. So it helped everyone’s annoyance of it for him because of me (same for me and mine). And it’s helped us see it in each other, we can see what it looks like, we know it’s not some freaky illness or condition! It’s just us, we are just so dang happy, peaceful and easy going. So we work on limiting the giggling around others. It’s hard and annoying that people don’t want us to be so happy, seems dumb to us, might as well say impossible, but we both see it clearly in each other more than we can see it in the mirror.

    I get to have a private gigglefest with him soon 🙂 We are trouble together, too happy, too smart, we were built to be a team, we may rule the world soon and insist everyone find the funny and giggle daily or suffer the punishment. Oh, and we both have blackbelts, both of us into stick fighting – he swears he let me whoop him on purpose, several times, cause he couldn’t hurt his sister, I think I’ll let him save face for now, since he is not used to having a sister. My abros have requested him to win one for them. I trust this guy more than anyone, ever, I know he would never hurt me and would always protect me. He’s the one that has the big deep love, and hugs, the one that I was once searching for. That ache is gone for me now, thanks to him.

    My dad and I have never had a disagreement, or gotten hot under the collar, when seriously discussing politics or religion. Never had that happen with anyone before.

    You know what it is like talking with many of my found family members? Just like when you talk to other adoptees, like a huge relief, you don’t have to explain every little thing, they just get it, it’s easy.

    Another cool thing is looking at how our environment handled many of these little things, like the giggling, or sex, or grades, outlooks on life, drinking, food, work, even migraines….anything. Often the thing was dealt with differently depending on environment, so now I can look to see how each environment worked with the issue, and the different outcomes. Very, VERY interesting.

    Finding all this stuff to examine has brought me so much understanding, and freedom.
    It’s allowed me to know how to be myself.

    All this soulful growth I and my family members have experienced only began when I was finally able to find my parents names.

    Still today I have troubling nightmares of being denied, and now they are worse than ever because I really know what I am actually being denied of!

    Before, I was uncertain, now I know for certain that I would fight to the death for it.
    It is that important to me, and for my kids.

    You should see my kids soar now 🙂 OMG what joy it’s brought us, thinking of them makes my face hurt daily from smiling so big and my ribs hurt from giggling.
    I am so glad I rocked everyone’s boats!!!!!!!!
    I think I will go super happy giggle out loud for a while outside now 🙂

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  7. Wrking21

    November 12, 2014 at 4:48 pm

    I think having that genetic mirror is important. It’s funny how much of my children’s parents of origin shine through. DD#2 always sits with her legs out crossed at the right ankle. Her other Mom sits the same way. She sleeps face down and loves to be smashed in to a pillow, yep other mom same way. We celebrate these things. She’ll always have that mirror thankfully.

    Beth I’m fairly certain I’m ready to attend your family gatherings. I’m already a fan of your Dad and your brother sounds like a hoot.

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    • TAO

      November 13, 2014 at 1:45 pm

      Of course, I agree it is important wrking – you’d be amazed at how many are uncomfortable with it and want to claim credit for it in some way – instead of accepting it’s real. I’ve been thinking about it and I think it is one of the different ways that bonds are formed – perhaps trivial compared to others but bonds aren’t just because of one thing – many things intertwine to make it strong.

      Tired today from a visit yesterday that took all the wind out of my sails – so not sure I’m really making sense.

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