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What it was like for an adoptee who searched while following the rules…

28 Sep

By TAO

I read a couple of the posts on the blog I linked to yesterday, posts that tell about searching following the rules laid out by the state, and then by the adoption agency.  Two posts that detail the timeline, run-around, pay-a-lot of money with zero guarantees because you have no rights as an adoptee, the endless wait, being put off, the emotions evoked knowing strangers have access to your information that you don’t have the right to see.  The toll on you from all the emotions felt in a search over so many years.  To be asked by many who know who they were born to be, why is this so important, and told, to just move on.  Unless you have done it, you can’t even begin to understand how wrong it is that adoptees in sealed states must do this, JUST to answer the age-old question of “Who AM I?”…

Go read these posts to get an inkling of what it is like.  Listen to the underlying emotions, frustrations, longing to just know…

The Search

The Search – pt 2

 

 

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12 Comments

Posted by on September 28, 2014 in Adoption

 

Tags: , , ,

12 responses to “What it was like for an adoptee who searched while following the rules…

  1. eagoodlife

    September 29, 2014 at 12:02 am

    Reblogged this on The Life Of Von and commented:
    Longing to know – having a right to know!

    Like

     
  2. elishannah

    September 29, 2014 at 1:08 pm

    Hi. Very new to all this. I’ve started my own blog- elishannah…thoughts and reflections shared transparently on becoming a mother myself after having been through care system and subsequently adopted at 13years old. Take a look if you feel it anyway helps/ inspires/ you have any comments

    Like

     
    • TAO

      September 29, 2014 at 1:15 pm

      Thanks for reaching out and I’d love to take a look at your blog.

      Like

       
  3. cb

    September 30, 2014 at 7:55 am

    Look forward to part III.

    Like

     
  4. Beth

    October 2, 2014 at 3:58 am

    “The toll on you from all the emotions felt in a search over so many years.”

    just wanted to say that again, it’s a big thing

    nearly 15 years later… I’m not sure if I can ever recover from that damage done to me on purpose.

    Like

     
  5. stephanie

    October 17, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    I recently started my search for my birth mother. I followed the rules and sent out for non identifying and identifying information. Its been almost 6 weeks. In that time my birth mom was located, I received my non identifying info (not sure what to do now), and she has consented to releasing her identity. Whew……. I seriously did not expect it all to happen so fast. In a few weeks I will know a name and have contact info. Does it always happen this fast or am I an exception. I feel I have not had time to prepare for all my emotions. Now i keep thinking uh what do I do next.

    Like

     
    • TAO

      October 17, 2014 at 3:14 pm

      I think you got someone who was having a slow day…

      First step: Breathe, remember this is a journey not a race. You may be tempted to / feel compelled to jump right in and let it overwhelm your world. If you do it may become too much…

      Second step: Start thinking about what you want for your reunion. Is it only information or do you want a relationship. How much time do you have to commit to getting to know your family? Get those basic questions answered.

      Third step: Start drafting a letter – it’s hard. You want to put down enough so she knows who you are but you don’t want to go into great detail or you will have nothing to talk about. Take your time. You don’t know whether or not she has wanted or expected a reunion or this was completely out of the blue. She may or may not have told anyone else and if not, may be worrying about being outed. Even if you don’t send the letter but call instead, having taken the time to sort out your thoughts on paper can help.

      Some think it is best to have an adoption therapist to talk to and work through things. That’d be great if you can find a good one. Someone to bounce things off of. There are reunion books but I’m clueless as to which are good and which aren’t.

      Every reunion story is as unique as the characters who in taking part.

      What are your first thoughts on this?

      Like

       
      • stephanie

        October 17, 2014 at 4:25 pm

        well I have talked to the search spec a few times this last few weeks. I know my birth mom was shocked that i wanted to find her, my conception was not from a good situation in fact it couldn’t get any worse. I know she has children that don’t know about me (no surprise). After i found out she made contact with the spec I prepared myself for the fact that she would probably not want contact due to the sensitive nature of my conception. Then a week later he was ready to release her identity. So while I wait for the information I try and decide the best way to contact her. I think about what will happen next. I did have to write her a letter when I requested the identifying information. I have an idea of what I want to know and what I want to share. I know what i expect for myself but am open for things going awry.
        while I wait I decided to look up blogs and I find I do not feel the way many seem to feel. I never felt a sense of lost, or confusion on who I am, I am not angry at my birth mom, I don’t feel abandoned, I feel okay about my life and the path God laid out for me.
        I do get a sense that my birth mom is much like me including career choices, just based on what I was told by the spec.

        Like

         
        • TAO

          October 17, 2014 at 4:58 pm

          No two adoptee experiences are the same. Take what works for you from what you read and leave the rest behind. I would warn you that sometimes, perhaps often, emotions you never felt and expected to ever feel can catch you completely off guard in the actual reunion…good luck…

          Like

           
          • stephanie

            October 17, 2014 at 5:34 pm

            thank you

            Like

             
    • TAO

      October 17, 2014 at 3:19 pm

      http://priscillasharp.blogspot.ca/2012/04/phone-dialogue-for-contacting-family.html

      Priscilla Sharp is a first mother who has quite a bit of experience in searches and the above post may give you some insight.

      As I find others I will post them.

      Like

       
    • TAO

      October 17, 2014 at 3:25 pm

      https://www.facebook.com/adoption.stories?fref=ts

      You may find other reunion pages on FB. The above is a post on what you would do different…and perhaps that will help you.

      Like

       

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