Some won’t ever get it, they don’t want to…

27 Jul


I’m sorry, this post has festered inside of me for a while – and I can’t believe it’s 2014, and still it is needed…so much for how different adoption is today than my day…this is a grumpy post and if you were looking for pleasantries, just skip right on by…

Have you ever been lambasted and skewered, because you have spoken about the loss an adoptee can feel, or the need deep inside to know the totality of who you are, not just who you became?  Or worse yet, speak your concerns on how adoption is practiced today?  Told that adoptees like yourself, with your hatred for adoption, adoptive parents and prospective parents, are just mean, and spiteful, to those with infertility who have adopted, or want to adopt?  That you believe adoptive parents will never be enough, because you want to know your family of birth, or because you feel loss?

I have…sigh…(said in a very passive aggressive way)…

Those people are hurting, perhaps even angry and can’t see past that, I get that, and anything that even hints at a downside to being adopted, gets their dander up, in a flash.  No conversation can be had, let alone an in-depth discussion on the how you can’t lump the relationship an adoptee has with their parents, with that of wanting to know where they came from.  Or the relationship with your parents, with the feelings of being adopted.  Those are completely separate conversations, and one has nothing to do with any other.  Paradoxical feelings can, and do exist within your soul, it’s called being human.  It would be like me telling them, that if they had a great relationship with their parents, they wouldn’t need to have children – that makes as much sense as wanting to lump an adoptee’s relationship with her parents, with wanting to know why you needed adoption, and meet (and perhaps) get to know your family of birth, or feeling the losses that exist in the very fabric of being adopted.

Being adopted means you lost your entire family…there is no escaping that brutal fact.  How, or when you process it, how many times you process it over again – at the end of the day, to be an adoptee, means you first lost your family.  No matter how much you resist it – all adoptees must process it, in their own way, and on their own time-line.  Just because you don’t want to recognise that it exists, it’s fact.

I tell myself that it’s okay if someone doesn’t believe me, but it makes me angry when they say they have read my blog, and then proceed to tell me that I don’t believe adoptive parents will ever be enough, that I hate adoption, adoptive parents and prospective parents.  Tell me, how many posts must I write that speak of my relationship with my parents?  How many, because it seems to me that I am always talking about them in some way, shape, or form, and always as parents you should strive to be like.  Even if I wrote about them in each post, it wouldn’t be enough for them, because I speak critically about parts of the system that are broken and not child centered, the industry, the process, what needs to be better, and I will always care more about the child to be adopted, than those doing the adopting.  So by writing about that, I am being critical of them for how they want to form their family (still don’t get that leap either).  So for those who are skimming my posts while forming rebuttals in their heads, and not comprehending what I have written, this blog is not for you, please move along.

Hope you all have a great week…


Posted by on July 27, 2014 in Adoption


Tags: , , ,

22 responses to “Some won’t ever get it, they don’t want to…

  1. goofytiger

    July 28, 2014 at 1:59 am

    Well said! Thank you for your voice! (I happen to be a TRAP – but that doesn’t make response any more or less valid.)


    • TAO

      July 28, 2014 at 2:22 am

      Thanks Goofytiger – sometimes you just need to vent…cheers I thank you for your comment.


  2. Karen

    July 28, 2014 at 3:22 pm

    Excellently spoken. You need only Speke what is in your heart. Those that choose to complain will never understand anyway. Thank you.


    • TAO

      July 28, 2014 at 5:29 pm

      Thanks Karen…


  3. Heather

    July 28, 2014 at 5:20 pm

    I appreciate your anger on this. I’ve wondered sometimes if the guilt I feel about being “ungrateful” feeds into the conversations I’ve had like that– but even so they have no right. It’s hard enough feeling this loss. Being told we’re terrible children doesn’t help.


    • TAO

      July 28, 2014 at 5:28 pm

      Hi Heather – a wise person once explained to me that being appreciative is different than feeling indebted – which really is what being grateful is intended to make you feel. Nothing wrong with not being grateful because being adopted does not, and can not, make you indebted.

      This post was my attempt at being done with them, because it’s just like banging your head against a wall and not expecting it to hurt…


  4. Tiffany

    July 28, 2014 at 7:33 pm

    You, and any adoptee, should not have to qualify or defend your statements talking about the negative aspects of adoption. The only reason people are looking to tear apart what you say is because it makes them so uncomfortable.

    “Paradoxical feelings can, and do exist within your soul, it’s called being human.” Amen to this. I say it often when discussing the pain I feel for my daughter who is adopted and her other parents. I cannot imagine my life without my daughter, and I love her so much it hurts, but at the same time, my love for her makes me grieve for what she lost and wish that I had the power to make it right. Honestly, I wonder about adoptive parents who are so cavalier and dismissive of what their child lost… I don’t understand that. I hurt so much for my daughter; she was innocent and decisions were made for her that will impact her entire life. She lost so much at only a few days old. I can’t fathom dismissing that as no big deal and something she’ll just easily get over, if she thinks about it at all. She can love our family and be happy in her life with us, and still grieve and feel sad for what might have been. And this is something I will always make sure she understands. Feelings do not have to be logical. They just ARE.

    Your parents sounds amazing, and it’s obvious you loved them. If someone said to my daughter some of the things you’ve been told and it was in front of me, I would tear them a new one. 🙂 Sounds like they wouldn’t have stood for any of this nonsense either.


    • TAO

      July 28, 2014 at 10:02 pm

      Thanks Tiffany and same back to you – you too have been on the receiving end… 🙂 and no they wouldn’t have put up with it.


  5. Dannie

    July 28, 2014 at 11:57 pm

    I tend not to talk about any concerns I get or about how my daughter may need to process it all when she fully gets her adoption, because then people auddenly say she’ll be ok because I’m such a good mother. Makes me mad every single time. I know who I am, I make mistakes, I’m not perfect…..and my daughter may have a hard time with adoption even if it was inevitable given her particular case via the foster care system. People need to jump in and make it ok. I don’t need for it to be ok, I need reality talk


    • TAO

      July 29, 2014 at 10:44 pm

      thanks Dannie and do please give your little one a hug for me – can’t believe she’s getting so old…don’t blink or you will find her a teenager it’s going so fast…


  6. eagoodlife

    July 29, 2014 at 1:16 am

    Yep there are some who will never hear, never learn and sadly it is young adoptees who will suffer because of it, a great concern for many of us adult adoptees. Worse than being told some of the above sometimes is the patronage, just come from Linkedin where it was rampant.


    • TAO

      July 29, 2014 at 10:45 pm

      I have enough of it without going there or many other places…


  7. cb

    July 29, 2014 at 2:30 pm

    Great post, and yes I too know exactly how you feel. I do try to reassure APs (or rather PAPs*) that my love for my afamily is separate to feelings about adoption** and that my feelings aren’t a relection on my APs parenting.

    This often-quoted blog post is one I read years ago which also sums it up pretty well:

    **one problem with the word “adoption” is that it means different things to different people. I always to specify that to me adoption means 1) relinquishment/adoption and 2) when I’m talking about adoption itself, I mean the post war Western “replacement” form of adoption. That’s what annoys me about a lot of the lists like the one you posted recently, i.e. the majority of “adoptions” listed didn’t resemble today’s adoptions in any shape or form (just like there is no real biblical equivalent to today’s adoptions).


    • TAO

      July 29, 2014 at 10:46 pm

      thank cb – the famous adoptees who aren’t adopted always gets me – or there adoptions were in reality the guardianships of today…


  8. snapdragon99

    July 31, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    Thank you for your deep reflection and honesty. I am a mom through adoption, but I don’t think you need to be involved in adoption in any way to understand these issues. I think you need to not be in denial, and to be willing to accept that people, including the youngest of infants have feelings and experiences that no one can necessarily ever ‘fix’. All the love in the world does not take away loss. It can help you struggle through it, but it doesn’t erase the loss or the pain around it. I feel really sorry for kids, adopted or not adopted, who have parents who cannot accept that their kids have feelings about all sorts of things. Again and again I see kids told by adults that their feelings are not real or that they shouldn’t feel what they feel. It sucks.


  9. Beth

    August 2, 2014 at 1:08 pm

    “Tell me, how many posts must I write that speak of my relationship with my parents? How many, because it seems to me that I am always talking about them in some way, shape, or form, and always as parents you should strive to be like.”

    I think around 2,345,976 more times should do it?
    That is the most aggravating thing!!!! My parents, like yours, didn’t come much better. They raised us very well, job well done, I am proud of all of them for it.

    I’ve often said, like 5,987,420 times, that my parents taught me the importance of family, any type of family, and taught me respect for family, love for family. IMO, that’s a good thing!
    So who’s fault is it that I think all of my family, even My original family is important? That I should have respect for them, maybe even love for them?
    Am I that different from a real human? 🙂
    Is this idea not for me, only for the non-adopted? wth?
    Should I not be teaching my children the same about their families?
    I think I am not the one who is nuts and needs to face reality 🙂


  10. Beth

    August 2, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    lambasted and skewered
    had to laugh at that – that is what it feels like tho!
    singed and full of holes, yet still kicking!


    • TAO

      August 3, 2014 at 12:30 am

      It just seemed the best way to explain it – and I don’t think I had used those words before…got to have a bit of fun…


  11. Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy

    September 30, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    Can I please please use this quote in a presentation I am giving on Friday in LA??? I’d rather it be said by an adoptee and you jsut said it perfectly!

    “Being adopted means you lost your entire family…there is no escaping that brutal fact. How, or when you process it, how many times you process it over again – at the end of the day, to be an adoptee, means you first lost your family. No matter how much you resist it – all adoptees must process it, in their own way, and on their own time-line. Just because you don’t want to recognise that it exists, it’s fact.”


    • TAO

      September 30, 2014 at 3:42 pm

      Of course Claudia – anytime you find something worth sharing. Good luck.



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