Question I’ve been asked

17 Jul


This post is going to focus on the opposite of what people have asked adoptees like myself, who are vocal, that really ignorant question that means; “what did your parents do wrong so we won’t make those same mistakes your parents did”.  How’s that for a slap in the face to your parents, and to you, all at the same time…

Kind of ranks right up there at the top of the list in how not to make friends…

Hopefully, this post will make some pause before they ask adoptees questions like that in the future, and shows that how an adoptee feels about the many different aspects of adoption, really, has little to do with their parents.  I hope that it makes you stop and think that perhaps, you should just listen to what they are saying…instead of assuming they just had a bad experience, or parents.

Just like every parent out there, my parents had good points, some bad as well I’m sure, but for mine, the good far outweighed any potential bad.  Areas dad may not have understood, mom did, the reverse also true.  Following are some of the lessons/values mom and dad taught us, and isn’t that what parenting is all about?  I think a lot of parents today, would have a hard time matching what mom and dad taught us, often without saying a word.

They taught us to respect everyone, or at least try be polite.  To understand that it didn’t matter how much a person had, what type of education they had received, how they spoke, unintentional mistakes with words they have made.  Everyone was deserving of the same rights, dignity, care, compassion, whether they lived on the streets, or mansions.  They also taught us there was always room at the table for anyone who needed to be there, wanted to be there.

Flowers by TAO 2014

They taught us how to live a good life, whatever that life looked like, wherever that life was.  The taught us respect for the planet, to care for the environment, why it was important to recycle, reuse, return.  They taught us how to garden and care for your property, through hard work, and that a commitment to continuous care was all that it required for it to thrive.

They taught us to live simply, that we didn’t need all the newest bells and whistles to have a good life.

They taught us to remember to be kind, even when it was hard.  That if we failed we needed to try again, no matter how hard it was, or how many tries it required to get it right.  They taught us the value of practice, repetition, study, was the only way to get better at something we wanted to do well, whatever that may be.

They taught us to be mindful.  To care for animals, and why it was important to take care for those animals who needed our help, whatever that help may be.  They also taught us responsibility to other people around us, and especially for our own actions in that respect.  To remember to give freely, whether monetary or with our time, and, not be boastful about it, that whatever we offered, no one needed to know we had done it.

They taught us how to accept whatever life threw our way, and to pick ourselves up, and continue on, with grace.  They taught us to live our lives with dignity.

They taught us the value of not just accepting what others said as fact, to research, think deeply, critically, accept what was good in something, and fix the bad.  They taught us to speak up when something was wrong, instead of being complicit by being silent.

They taught us what family was, in good times, and especially, in bad times.  They taught us that being family, meant you didn’t kick other family members to the curb when the going got rough.  That family could disagree and they’d still be family.  That you stand by your family, you lend a hand when needed, that’s how being a family works.  Family is family – no qualifiers, no removals, just family…

I don’t know that any of these lessons/values were the ones they deliberately set out to teach us, but these were the values they taught us by how they lived their lives every single day.  Now, I can’t say I have reached anywhere close to the level they achieved in any of the above values, some I think I’m naturally more inclined to mirror, others are a struggle I’m still working on, I still fail, and yet, I’m getting better at all of them, every single day.







Posted by on July 17, 2014 in Adoption, adoptive parents



4 responses to “Question I’ve been asked

  1. LoveInTheClouds

    July 19, 2014 at 6:17 am

    Love this. I’ve noticed that assumption over my sons birth parents and it does make me sad and protective of him and them. Thanks for writing this


  2. Barbaloot

    July 19, 2014 at 9:17 pm

    Aw, beautifully written and so sweet.


  3. Valentine Logar

    July 20, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    Thank you for this one Tao. I have all to often been asked the same and tried to respond in similar fashion.


  4. onewomanschoice

    July 23, 2014 at 12:06 am

    Love, love, love. Great lessons for all of us.



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